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July 22, 2014

The Daily Show: June 20, 2005

by Annie Wu, posted Jun 21st 2005 9:25AM
The Daily Show castJon Stewart begins with the two most important people in the world: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Cruise has proposed to Holmes (at the top of the Eiffel Tower, of all places). They are now engaged. That was fast. Stewart reports that this morning, Holmes gave birth. The kid is now seven. And a doctor. "Because everything they do, they do all out! Whether it be meeting or getting engaged, they do it with intensity!" he screams, almost drenching the screen in spit. Surely I'm not the only one that's feeling that the only people making a massive deal out of this relationship are Cruise and Holmes themselves. Well, attention Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes -- We don't care!

 
On to news that actually has relevance in this world. In 2002, FBI Director Robert Mueller announced that the Bureau would undergo a redesign for a refocused team. Y'know, one that wouldn't "f*ck things up as much". However, there's a lawsuit in place against the FBI for promoting people with little experience in anti-terrorism in the department rather than those with more experience. Some claim that experience is not an important element. It's all the same! Just things blowing up, right? Bombs. Pfft. Whatever. Let's grill some of the top dogs and see if experience and knowledge in the field is actually an important thing. Dale Watson, the FBI's terrorism chief, was questioned on a series of important facts that someone in his position should know. When asked if he knew the difference between the Sunni and Shiite Muslim, Watson answered, "Not technically, no". A recent TIME article shows strange findings as well: Porter Goss, director of the CIA, when questioned on Osama bin Laden, exclaimed that "I have an excellent idea of where he is. What's the next question?". Next question is clearly: Why don't you go out and find him?! All he's willing to divulge is that bin Laden is currently in a sovereign nation.

Stewart offers a question of his own to these seemingly clueless men, "Is humus is (A) a terrorist organization or (B) a delicious chickpea dish?"

Senior CIA Analyst, Ed Helms, chimes in. Is Goss simply being coy in not revealing any more information on bin Laden? "Goss was being specific!" Helms says. In saying that bin Laden is in a sovereign nation, he clearly means that he's on land! And we know he's not in America or Israel! "Do I need to draw you a map?" asks Helms sarcastically. Stewart says yes and so Helms flashes a split second of a map. It's so clear to me now!

Ever since 9/11, tourism's really gone down. Rob Corddry investigates this situation in a segment called "Rob Corddry's Gotta Go!" So why has there been a decrease in foreign visitors? Corddry explains that some people blame it on our foreign policy -- but this is drowned out by exploding bombs and gunfire. After watching a video of foreigners burning American flags, he pops up holding tiny flag and a sparkly 4th of July thingy to show his support. Unfortunately, he holds them in the same hand and the flag catches on fire. Anyway, tourism has dropped dramatically. "The dollar is so low that we're using it for it's nutritional value," Corddry says as he nibbles on a salad of $10s and $20s. Bo Dietl, a security expert, says a reason why might be that some tourists feel uncomfortable because they know that "they're going to question you, they're going to talk to you, they're going to check your bags, and they might look up your ass" because they might have a computer chip or a "really dirty bomb".

To investigate further, Corddry dressed as a normal overseas visitor -- one that looks remarkably like the man that started the Holocaust, completely with a tiny moustache and Nazi band around the left arm. Corddry is surprised by the overwhelming bad reactions. This whole time I'm thinking, "Holy crap! How the hell did he get through this without getting shot?!" Okay, in conclusion, Corddry says, "We need your money. If you're going to hate America, at least come and do it in America."

In more America news: The first map to ever display the Earth as a globe and to ever use the word 'America' for land was auctioned off a few days ago for over $1 million. America was named after Amerigo Vespucci. And it's a good thing we went with America rather than Vespucci because really, who's going to watch Vespuccian Idol?

Okay, tonight's guest is Ringo Starr, the former Beatle (I hope none of you actually need me to say that), and he's here to promote his new album, Choose Love. He sits down on the couch, looking very Ringo, and after anything even remotely interesting, the audience starts cheering and clapping. Suck-ups. He and Stewart discuss how Starr feels about his new album and his role in it. Starr says that although he's starting to work more in the production aspect of it, he'll always be a musician, really. They go on to discuss jam sessions and Stewart looks pleadingly towards to man for an invitation... even though he doesn't play an instrument.

Tomorrow's guest is musician Dwight Yoakam. And now your Moment of Zen: Glaciers falling apart to whining trumpets.

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