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April 17, 2014

Extra Hollywood Access: Songs, love, and children

by Adam Finley, posted Sep 14th 2005 11:06AM

With this new feature for TV Squad I will be giving you the highlights from some of the infotainment shows you know and love. Who's getting married? Who's pregnant? Who shot J.R.? I will be answering exactly none of these questions for you today. Now let's get crankin':

Access Hollywood asked Martha Stewart what she did with the tracking device once attached to her ankle. Martha's answer: she threw it out. Unfortunately, the interview failed to pry further, so we don't know where the device can be found, recovered, and eventually sold on eBay. No matter, because the interviewer was able to extract even more information from Martha, like the fact that being in prison made her unhappy. Listen, Martha, I've seen Jailhouse Rock, okay? Prison is nothing but a non-stop fantasy land of sing-alongs and choreographed dance numbers. I myself commit several felonies a day with the hopes of being arrested.

Fast forward to Paul McCartney, who has a brand new album out that probably has some kind of title and some songs which are listed on the packaging somewhere. McCartney bristled at the suggestion that his other solo albums weren't very good, at one point telling the interviewer, "You don't always peak. Your wife knows that." That's when the other junior high boys in the locker room gathered around and were all like, "Ah hells, yeah! It's on!" Unfortunately, the gym teacher came in and split up the fight before it could happen.

"I don't really think, I just walk." That's what Paris Hilton said when asked what goes through her mind before stepping out onto the fashion runway. They then cut to commercial, but one of my operatives in the TV biz sent me the videotape. This is the rest of her quote: "I don't really think, I just walk, for wasn't it Lao Tzu who said 'the journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step?' This is more than some superfluous fashion show. This is the chance for me to rid my mind of conscience thought and begin my journey to the next plane of existence, where I shall become pure energy and mingle with the cosmos, taking my place as another cog in the great machinery of time and space." Then she got distracted by a lady bug and wandered outside where she was eventually lured back indoors with a slice of ham.

On Extra, host Mark McGrath was joined by fellow rocker and guest co-host Tommy Lee. Tommy seemed awfully nervous for a guy who has been seen naked by most of the free world, but apparently the producers wouldn't let him speak into the camera while having sex with someone, so he had to sweat it out the old fashion way. The rest of the show was kind of a wash, although we did find out that Angelina Jolie would like to eventually have a veritable herd of multi-ethnic children living in her home. Before the interview was over she adopted three more kids, and on her way out the door also adopted one of the cameramen and a lamp that "kind of looked like a child."

Until next time...

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Adam

Thank you, Mr. Clunk.

September 14 2005 at 8:07 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Ken Clunk

Funny shit! Very well written. I only wish that I read it at home and not work, so that I didn't have to hold the laughs inside. They need to be unleashed!

September 14 2005 at 11:34 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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