Extra Hollywood Access: My heart will go on (and on and on)
Emmy buzz seems to be ruling the infotainment shows these days, but we've got bigger fish to fry, so let's cut this introduction short and dive head first into the shallow end of the celebrity pool:
On Extra, Tyra Banks talked about her new talk show, which will feature an actual runway that her guests can walk up and down for some reason. Have you ever been stuck in a group for some high school or college project and one person always comes up with these "amazing" ideas, completely unaware of the fact that their ideas are actually quite terrible? But you couldn't convince them otherwise because they were so sure their ideas were gold? Tyra Banks is that person. She then gave a tour of her posh dressing room and named every company that helped furnish it. I give Tyra Banks one month. I don't mean I give her show one month, I mean I give HER one month until the audience becomes so annoyed they actually attack and eat her on the air.
The celebrity worship and egregious product placements continued on Entertainment Tonight, where Cameron Diaz forgot the name of her designer before being told by her publicist. If it makes Cameron feel any better, I have no idea who silk-screened my Zippy the Pinhead T-shirt, and I don't have a publicist to save me from embarrassment if someone asks me. Later, Aretha Franklin spoke about the late Luther Vandross. Aretha has taken to holding her microphone out to the audience during songs, I assume so she can catch her breath before struggling her way through another lyric. The "holding the mic out" thing is a sure sign you're getting older and losing your chops. This was followed by concert footage of Aretha walking onto the stage, placing one of her records on a turntable, and saying, "Okay, there you go. Somebody holler when it gets to the end of side one and I'll get one of the roadies to flip it over."
If there exists a metaphysical bridge between "gay" and "Southern" it is Clay Aiken, who showed up on The Insider as a correspondent, and, actually, did a pretty good job. Pat O'Brien informed us about the upcoming "controversial" interview with Prince Harry, which somehow stirred up controversy despite nobody having seen it yet. O'Brien then told us about a "delicious" sandwich he hadn't eaten and promptly disappeared into his time machine. There was more talk about Luther Vandross and the upcoming tribute album, which will feature, among others, Celine Dion, who claims that she never gets tired of singing "My Heart Will Go On." She then spoke about her rare health condition that makes it impossible for her to hear herself. Fast forward to a fashion shoot with Eva Longoria, who looks smoking hot even in a sweater and winter coat. I think I can say without hyperbole that Eva Longoria is so hot that if she passed me on the other side of a concrete wall that was separating us and I wasn't even aware of her presence I would still be turned on.
Okay, that's all the infotainment that could fit in my brain without it taking over important motor functions. See you next time...