Extra Hollywood Access: The E! News Weekend edition
First things first. I caused a minor kerfuffle when, in my last column, I wrote "If there exist a metaphysical bridge between 'gay' and 'southern' it is Clay Aiken." This was erroneously construed as a slam against The Clay and caused a few folks to venture a guess as to what the hell I meant by that. The statement was not an insult. It was the result of months of exhaustive research that took me on a journey not only to the outer reaches of the cosmos, but into the depths of my very soul.
When I see Clay Aiken I see a man who sometimes carries himself in a manner that screams "gay." However, there are times when those same traits seem not "gay" at all, but rather the mannerisms of a simple southern gentlemen. It is these two facets, both in conflict with one another, but also feeding off one another, that have led me to believe that Clay is not actually human, but rather a pan-dimensional entity who was brought into existence, either by a Higher Power or his Own Will, to serve as a bridge between these two concepts. I have created a visual aid to help explain what I believe to be Clay's place in the Grand Scheme:
His enigmatic role in the universe confounds even me, but as a terrestrial being I cannot question it.
Okay, now that we've cleared that up it's time to stick the leftovers back in the fridge and cram a whole new load of delicious infotainment down our gullets. Grab your spoons, kids:
E! News Weekend can't seem to stay away from Reese Witherspoon. About every ten seconds they came back to her to discuss Just Like Heaven, or to talk about Walk the Line, the movie where she plays June Carter to Joaquin Phoenix's Johnny Cash. During encounter number 543 with the actress we were told that there is already "Oscar buzz" surrounding her performance in the Cash biopic, buzz that seemed to be caused solely by the staff at E! News Weekend. This frightens me, because it means that E! News has the ability to not only report what's happening, but can also bend time and space to make it happen. This was proven later when a correspondent actually caused a polar bear to materialize out of thin air:
Correspondent: We're here at the opening of Just Like Heaven with Reese Witherspoon. Now Reese, why did you bring a polar bear as your date?
Reese: What are you talking about? I didn't bring a po-- OH MY GOD!!!
Later, Lost actor Dominic Monoghan said that when celebrities make their love lives public and celebrate them on TV, it "feels tacky." Apparently Monoghan has never felt the pleasure of courting a young female and luring her into his freaky sub-religion like some demented caveman. How dare you question the ways of love, Mr. Monoghan.
We then cut to Star Jones, who is hosting E!'s coverage of the Emmys today. Jones claimed that Will and Grace's Debra Messing "is the funniest woman since Lucille [Ball]." She then said that "Hellmann's Real Mayonnaise was the greatest beverage since Cognac."
Next we got an insider's look at a celebrity health spa, where apparently one of the qualifications to work there is to say the word "Evian" six hundred times. I haven't seen or heard such blatant product placement since McDonald's and Coca-Cola financed the movie Mac and Me. Eventually neither the employee nor the E! correspondent could stop saying "Evian" so the interview was cut short so both could have their brain chips replaced.
In all seriousness, product placement can be very lucrative, which is why this edition of "Extra Hollywood Access" is brought to you by the men and women of Undersocks. "Undersocks: It's underwear for your feet! (TM)"
Catch you next time...