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August 30, 2015

Extra Hollywood Access: The E! News Weekend edition

by Adam Finley, posted Sep 18th 2005 10:31AM

First things first. I caused a minor kerfuffle when, in my last column, I wrote "If there exist a metaphysical bridge between 'gay' and 'southern' it is Clay Aiken." This was erroneously construed as a slam against The Clay and caused a few folks to venture a guess as to what the hell I meant by that. The statement was not an insult. It was the result of months of exhaustive research that took me on a journey not only to the outer reaches of the cosmos, but into the depths of my very soul.

When I see Clay Aiken I see a man who sometimes carries himself in a manner that screams "gay." However, there are times when those same traits seem not "gay" at all, but rather the mannerisms of a simple southern gentlemen. It is these two facets, both in conflict with one another, but also feeding off one another, that have led me to believe that Clay is not actually human, but rather a pan-dimensional entity who was brought into existence, either by a Higher Power or his Own Will, to serve as a bridge between these two concepts. I have created a visual aid to help explain what I believe to be Clay's place in the Grand Scheme:

His enigmatic role in the universe confounds even me, but as a terrestrial being I cannot question it.

Okay, now that we've cleared that up it's time to stick the leftovers back in the fridge and cram a whole new load of delicious infotainment down our gullets. Grab your spoons, kids:

E! News Weekend can't seem to stay away from Reese Witherspoon. About every ten seconds they came back to her to discuss Just Like Heaven, or to talk about Walk the Line, the movie where she plays June Carter to Joaquin Phoenix's Johnny Cash. During encounter number 543 with the actress we were told that there is already "Oscar buzz" surrounding her performance in the Cash biopic, buzz that seemed to be caused solely by the staff at E! News Weekend. This frightens me, because it means that E! News has the ability to not only report what's happening, but can also bend time and space to make it happen. This was proven later when a correspondent actually caused a polar bear to materialize out of thin air:

Correspondent: We're here at the opening of Just Like Heaven with Reese Witherspoon. Now Reese, why did you bring a polar bear as your date?

Reese: What are you talking about? I didn't bring a po-- OH MY GOD!!!

Later, Lost actor Dominic Monoghan said that when celebrities make their love lives public and celebrate them on TV, it "feels tacky." Apparently Monoghan has never felt the pleasure of courting a young female and luring her into his freaky sub-religion like some demented caveman. How dare you question the ways of love, Mr. Monoghan.

We then cut to Star Jones, who is hosting E!'s coverage of the Emmys today. Jones claimed that Will and Grace's Debra Messing "is the funniest woman since Lucille [Ball]." She then said that "Hellmann's Real Mayonnaise was the greatest beverage since Cognac."

Next we got an insider's look at a celebrity health spa, where apparently one of the qualifications to work there is to say the word "Evian" six hundred times. I haven't seen or heard such blatant product placement since McDonald's and Coca-Cola financed the movie Mac and Me. Eventually neither the employee nor the E! correspondent could stop saying "Evian" so the interview was cut short so both could have their brain chips replaced.

In all seriousness, product placement can be very lucrative, which is why this edition of "Extra Hollywood Access" is brought to you by the men and women of Undersocks. "Undersocks: It's underwear for your feet! (TM)" 

Catch you next time...

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I'm a Clay Aiken fan, & I thought your ponderings were pretty darn funny, Adam. :-D Hey, didn't Diane Sawyer say while interviewing him a while back that to some, every Southern guy is automatically gay? (to which Clay added that others have the same dumping-ground perception of British guys too) Can the stereotypes, people!! Most of Clay Nation came for the voice & stayed for the man. It's about the music, and the heart.

September 22 2005 at 3:10 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Romy S

If there exists a metaphysical bridge between a writer and a bully, it's Adam Finley. When I read your column, I imagine a man who carried himself like a hologram that screams "inferior". The depths of his very soul is so shallow that have led me to believe he is human, but pathetic. Actually he's a hate mongering wraith who only purpose is to denegrate goodness in people. Surround YOUR picture with supercilious spoutings, hateful harrangs and bullying blustering. PS I really would like to know why you people pick on Clay. Does this make you part of a clique, like in high school? Do your friends think you're funny? Is it to be "hip" and "with it" so you're part of this particular show business crowd. Why are you concerned about another man's sexuality? That seems a little suspect to me. Maybe you find Clay appealing in your morbid mind and can't reach his attainment, so you try to pull him down to your freaky level.

September 21 2005 at 9:42 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I never saw the original comment. But, I also laughed at this. Clay is an original, that's for sure. And, for anyone who doubts how widespread he is, just look at the coverage of him at the Kenneth Cole fashion show and at the Emmys. Donald Trump wants him down at Mara Lago, for gosh sakes! Camryn Manheim called him "the biggest rock star ever!" (Clay humbly demured, saying,"I doubt it!") Zach Braff(one of my favorite comedic tv actors) said,"I love me some Clay Aiken. I'm not ashamed to admit it." He was treated more as a guest than a correspondent. Clips of him signing autographs, girls screaming. I also fail to see how it's anyone's business what someone's sexual orientation is. That goes for Clay, Ryan Seacrest, and anyone else who's ever been the target of such "jokes." And, I also fail to see why anyone would waste their time and energy bashing anyone. And, not all Clay's fans let everything he says go. Trust me, they get plenty upset over some things. Not all Clay's fans think he's perfect. About the only thing we unanimously agree on is the quality of his talent. We are about as diverse a bunch as you will ever see!

September 20 2005 at 9:15 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Best quote evar: "Clay Aiken is 'a shirt tag on the back of your neck. Even if you don't see him, he still annoys you.'

September 20 2005 at 2:10 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kissing Summer Rain

I still do not understand what Clay's sexual preferance has to do with anything. He is an entertainer that happens to have manners and good family values. More entertainers should strive to be more like him. He is one of the few people in the entertainment industry who is not trying to be something he is not, just to make the big music executives happy.

September 19 2005 at 6:59 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

'It's simple: Just don't write about him." and then what? Clay falls into the abyss? his fans wouldn't allow that to happen. You all, for all your whining and bemoaning about articles like these keep them going. If you ignored them, they'd die down with a scant few replies but here we are 21 posts into it with people bashing the writer and defending the subject. None of it matters in the long run. Perhaps Clay is gay or perhaps he is a southern gentleman *gasp perhaps he's a southern gay gentleman* Just as writers could ignore Clay, his fans could choose to ignore writers who write these kinds of things. It's a two way street.

September 19 2005 at 5:25 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Clay fans, have you all been to the Claymate Woodshed? It's a board on www.ezboard.com. You will see how classy you all are. ;)

September 19 2005 at 5:23 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

LOL Claymates are the funniest creatures ever. Isn't it funny how they let Clay say anything he wants, yet when someone else posts a comment about a Clay, all hell breaks loose? On the Josh Groban board, a poster simply wrote that he "was not a fan of Clay Aiken's voice or his looks.". Some Clay fans invaded the board and took it upon themselves to posts pictures of Clay all over the board just to convince people that Clay is a force to be reckoned with. I thought that anyone had the right to like or dislike whomever they want. Apparently, not being a Clay fan is a crime against humanity.

September 19 2005 at 5:20 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I just have a question: If you don't want to hear from the tons of people who will defend Clay, then why does one write about him? It's simple: Just don't write about him. And, you can't say, "well, he's a major notch in celebrity conversation," because, he's not. There are THOUSANDS (and I stretch that word to the farthest degree) who you could talk about the same way. Or, if not in the same way, find some other sick, stupid thing you'd like to harp on and talk about that. It's not hard. But, as it seems, people always come back to him, because of the things he does, but those same people fail to look at all the other so-called celebrities who do more intimidating things and no one talks about them. It's hideous. And, it's people and writers like you that put up these fronts about certain things that have no use being in the media.

September 19 2005 at 4:08 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Clay Aiken ROX. Having said that, I think your explanation is quite funny. I just wish the Kelly fans would quit stalking all these sites and us as they are truly weird and demented. As Kelly fans, you are doing her such a disservice and it's her career you will harm in the long run if you keep this crap up.

September 19 2005 at 1:58 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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