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October 1, 2014

Extra Hollywood Access: Fast guns and big Macs

by Adam Finley, posted Sep 23rd 2005 4:14PM

The Hollywood train's a comin' down the track! It's about to knock a slew of celebrity news right into your face with the cowcatcher of love! Clearly, I need to work on these introductions! Scrape the gum off your shoes and come on in, kids...

Hollywood Access claims Dr. Phil McGraw (or just "Dr. Phil" if you will) was quite the "diva" at a recent event with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, refusing to use a public restroom and demanding a private one. Could it be that the man who knows how everyone else should live might, deep down, be a child himself in need of some love and attention? There was only one way to find out, so I spoke with his father, Quick Draw:

What was Phil's childhood like?

"It was ever so difficult. Ah sure tried to provide fer him as best I could, but fallin' into a cactus patch didn't pay like it does now."

 

Has he always wanted to help people?

"Sure enough! Ah remember he was the one who convinced Baba Looie to find his inner child. Turns out his inner child was Hispanic, and that really worked for him."

 

Baba Looie wasn't Mexican?

"French-Canadian, actually."

 

 

So why was your son behaving so rudely recently?

"Well, ya have ta realize that times were different back then. I'm a law and order man, but mah hooves don't make fer very good gun firin'. Phil was shot accidentally a few times."

 

Dear god, how many?

"Only a couple times."

 

 

Really?

"Twenty-three times."

 

 

That would explain his irritability. So how did an animated horse father a human child?

"Ah made a deal with Satan."

 

 

The crew at Access Hollywood then delved into the life of model Kate Moss, who had the nerve to allow herself to be photographed doing lines of coke instead of doing it secretly like other models. She issued this written apology:

I am deeply regretful that those pictures were taken. It was wrong of me to allow my drug use to be shown publicly. In the future I hope that my private cocaine use, coupled with the collective delusion of everyone reading this, will put this nasty business behind us and allow me to continue to be high.

Moving on to Extra, host Mark McGrath presents his guest host for the day, Donald Trump, who announces "I'm a big fan of Extras!" And I love The Apprentices, Mr. Trump.

But enough about Donald, cause Bernie Mac is back after dealing with health issues to kick off the fifth season of The Bernie Mac Show. As you know, Bernie Mac made a name for himself on the stand-up circuit as a comedian who was impossible to understand half the time. Extra spoke to him:

Interviewer: What can we expect in the next season?

Bernie: Oh, it's going to be great. I don't think you guys are going to be disappointed at all. Also, the deviled egg reasons.

Interviewer: Did you say the "deviled egg reasons?"

Bernie: Curtain.

Interviewer: What?

Bernie: Oh sure, she was great to work with. Seventeen angry ducks, I'm tellin' you.

Interviewer: Um, okay.

Later host McGrath was joined in the studio by Gene Simmons, who talked about what it was like to be old and have money. He may have said more but I was writing up my grocery list while I was watching.

Meet me back here next week, and make sure to bring a dessert.

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