The OC: The End of Innocence

Jimmy should have died! Why is he still alive? I seriously thought he was beaten to death. Actually, me and Robbie, my roommate, came up with this little plot twist: Jimmy is beaten to death by thugs on the beach, while his daughter is having sex with her boyfriend for the first time, also on the beach (I KNEW they'd never done it before). Marissa wakes up the next morning, feeling all aglow after having made sweet love to her #1 tater muffin and...and oh my gosh, what is that floating in the water? A dolphin? No, your father's bloody corpse. (Enter melodramatic music by some up-and-coming emo band.) But that didn't happen. 

Jimmy survived his beating and he ran away again. And what a chump he is by having his daughter do his dirty work. If you can't be man enough to tell Julie Cooper that you're in debt (again) and that you're leaving the family (again), then well, I guess you're not really a man. And I don't think Jimmy is really a man. In fact, if he and Julie would have gotten married it probably would have been void in California since same sex marriages are illegal there and since Jimmy obviously has a vagina. Well actually, now that I think about it, it would be a heterosexual marriage because Julie has balls bigger than any other man on that show.

Ryan and Marissa -- they did it! They finally did it. I had a feeling that they'd never done it before. I didn't have conclusive evidence, but I'm usually pretty good at being able to tell when people are doing the horizontal tango, and I wasn't picking up that vibe from Marissa and Ryan. And the romantic cabana was a nice touch. If I was going to make love to my bad boy Chino boyfriend for the first time -- I would want to do it in a lighted cabana that was stolen by my two best friends from my former high school's production of South Pacific too. Of course, that's only if a white unicorn was not available. A stolen, lighted cabana would be my second choice behind a white unicorn.

Also, I totally think that prissy Taylor girl and Feathered Bangs Dean are humping. I think that whole thing was taken straight from Election. And why is Feathered Bangs always at school and always in a suit? Mine and Robbie's second plot prediction is that Seth and Summer (Team SS) are going to catch Taylor and Feathered Bangs making desks squeak in an empty classroom. Then, Team SS will be able to blackmail them into letting Ryan and Marissa back into school. That's our prediction, at least.

The reading of Caleb's will was in this episode too. Turns out the richest man in Newport was broke and Julie and Kirsten get nothing. I hate that Caleb was broke. I didn't like it when Rocky lost all his money in Rocky 5 and I don't like Caleb being broke post-mortem. I like my rich people to be rich. Case closed.

And Kirsten has finally come home. Finally! I haven't been this excited about someone coming home since reading Snoopy, Come Home. Turns out that Charlotte is creepy and that apparently she's broke too. Well, she might be barking up the wrong tree. I don't know how much money the Cohens are gonna have now and there are only so many more people that can fit in that house of theirs.

Next week's episode looks like another winner. Marissa is starting a new school -- a public school and the director did a good job making public schools look like a cesspool of rusty lockers and mean-ass bitches with big bangs.