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August 29, 2015

Extra Hollywood Access: Pamela won't return my calls

by Adam Finley, posted Sep 27th 2005 7:20PM

wizardPeople are getting married, people are getting divorced, people are having babies, and people are getting married to divorced babies. It's time to crack open the skull of Hollywood and scoop out the gray matter. Join us, won't you?

On The Insider, correspondent Kathie Lee Gifford broke the news to Brooke Shields that Asthon and Demi had finally tied the knot. That's not really a question, but clearly Kathie Lee has taken entertainment journalism to a whole new level, one beyond mere "questioning." She also told Shields that she had a slice of honeydew for lunch, and that when she was six-years-old she went down the playground slide backwards on a dare. Profundity, your name is Kathie Lee.

Next, we catch a glimpse of Chelsea Clinton, who now has flat hair. This was considered a great fashion move by several people whom I've never seen or heard of but for some inexplicable reason their opinions are now more important to me than my own. Yes, clearly Chelsea's curly locks were holding her back from obtaining greatness. It was said that shortly after she ironed here hair she gained the ability to set fires with her mind. Soon we will all perish as Chelsea unleashes years of pent up rage for all the nasty stuff we said about her. But we can't be bothered with that right now.

Host Pat O'Brien teased us with this line right before the commercial break: "Have Ghost Whisperer's stars ever talked to the dead?" I took a wild guess and decided the answer was, "No, what the hell kind of stupid question is that?" As it turns out, many people do talk to the dead, but it involves standing in cemeteries and screaming at the ground really, really, loudly.

Moving on to Extra, host Mark McGrath was joined by Constance Marie of George Lopez, who tried to out-phony McGrath by flirting with the camera and tossing her head back in laughter at the slightest provocation. Mark upped his phoniness in order to compensate, but soon reached a level of such profound phoniness that he turned to stone and had to be brought back to life by an elderly, time-traveling wizard.

Next we found out that Pam Anderson was being harassed by a stalker in Malibu. When she finally approached him he told her he had a script he had written for her.

Okay, first of all, Pam, I wasn't "stalking" you, we just happen to go to all the same places. The same grocery store, the same shops, the same school your children attend that my children would also attend if I had children. It's called COINCIDENCE, Pamela. Also, if you had bothered to look at the screenplay for my movie, titled My Daddy Has No Left Side of His Body, you would have jumped at the chance to be in it. Here's a snippet:

Dad: Son, come here and give me a hug.

Son: I love you so much, Half Daddy!

See? It's a heart-warming tale of trial and redemption in the American heartland. I wanted you to play an end table in the aforementioned scene, but I guess you're too good for that.

Ok, I gotta take my muffins out of the oven. I'll see ya'll next time...

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Sara Volk

Hilarious and true.

November 06 2005 at 11:23 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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