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September 30, 2014

Extra Hollywood Access: It's not easy bein' green

by Adam Finley, posted Sep 30th 2005 9:30AM

Alyssa MilanoE! News Daily, Extra, and Entertainment Tonight were all on at the same time, so for this installment I clicked back and forth, sampling from the salad bar of infotainment while trying not to throw up on the sneeze guard of fawning celebrity worship. Please take a clean plate and follow me.

 

First on Extra, we get a sneak peek at Diane Sawyer's upcoming interview for ABC's Primetime with actor George Clooney at his Italian villa in which she asks him two of the most important questions ever asked: "Blonde or brunette?" and "Skinny or curvy?" I think it's about time that Diane Sawyer had the guts to point out that those are the only type of women who exist, and that redheads of medium build are actually nothing more than a shared hallucination. Trust me, once you've had your eyes opened to this Truth you'll never see the world the same way again. Also, you'll taste bacon in the back of your throat. It's strange, I know.

Soon, host Mark McGrath was joined by yet another guest host. This time it was Kermit the Frog, who was controlled by one puppeteer, as opposed to McGrath, who is controlled by twelve.

Flipping over to E! News, Hilary Duff's eighteenth birthday is announced thusly: "A teen queen is finally legal." You heard it correctly, E! News wants you to get into Hilary Duff's pants as fast as you possibly can. She's legal now, damn it, and there's no point in wasting time.

Stepping away from E!'s pimping of Hilary, Extra has the scoop on Charlize Theron getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That's really  awesome. Not only do they give stars to actresses, but Charlize Theron gets one, too. Way to go, Charlize!

Meanwhile on Entertainment Tonight we get a firsthand look at all the stuff we've already seen on Extra and E! News. They do however, manage to send a reporter in a helicopter to give us a first hand look at how the California wildfires are coming dangerously close to many million dollar celebrity mansions. Taking a page from some of the reporters in New Orleans who pitched in to help out with the relief effort, the ace reporter actually positioned the helicopter so that the propellers fanned the flames toward the homes of poor people. You are noble, ET. I thank you, God thanks you, and Alyssa Milano thanks you.

I'm stuffed. Time to go sleep this off. We'll talk next time....

Special Note: Paris Hilton is on these shows so often she starts to become like white noise. She does have something important to teach us, however, about developing a good catchphrase. Her phrase, "That's hot!" has become her signature, and it's because she has a limited vocabulary, which makes everything she says punchy and easy to comprehend. This is why Paris has her own catchphrase and Noam Chomsky, by contrast, does not. Think about that, won't you?

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