America's Next Top Model: Episode 5
Everybody sing along now! Lisa's a bitch, a bitch, she's a bitch, bitch, bitch. A bitch, a bitch, bitch. A bitch, bitch, bitch. Bitch, bitch, bitch. (Big finale, so get those twinkle fingers in the air) Liiiiiisa's a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch! Yeah! Why is Lisa such a bitch? And apparently, she's an alcoholic bitch. I knew she was boozing it up way back in Episode 2. Whenever you see someone on a reality show drinking too much from the same unmarked "drinking glass," you know they're boozing. And Lisa is boozing. That's not Sprite; that's vodka.
Did you see how she wouldn't let Nicole have a swig of her vodka? She just wanted a swig. Lisa had a whole bottle, plus a couple of other ones. She was like, "No, I don't want to share." How much do you need to be drinking while you're competing on a national talent/reality show competition? You'd think she'd cool it a little, but I guess alcoholics can't. If she brings a flask out at a photo shoot...I'm gonna fall off the couch and land on the floor.
And why was Lisa being such a bitch to Coryn? Okay, we all know that Coryn is secretly a man. We've talked about this before, but the girl is trying. She got the eyebrows waxed. She can't help it that she's so skinny and diesel. Okay, maybe she can. Perhaps a few White Castle burgers (a few hundred) would help the "curvitization/femination" of her body. But by the looks of Coryn, all those little hamburgers would just go to her biceps, not her hips. Still...Lisa had no right to be so critical of her. It's the judges' job to be critical, not fellow models. Plus, who is Lisa kidding? Her face looks like a man. She's totally got the Sandra Bernhard thing going. She should stop kidding herself.
I did love the special guest photographer this week...Janice Dickinson. I especially liked how Janet out-bitched Lisa. And what did Lisa do? She cried. I think that by making Lisa cry, we got to not only see how weak Lisa truly is, but also see the superior powers of Janice's bitchiness. She's not just the first Super Model; she's the first Super Bitch. Janice forever!
I really liked this week's photoshoot. Way better than last week's, which was sorta lame. (The Fashion Don't Witch? Come on!) The exaggerated plastic surgery thing was great. And how hilarious was it that Janice was the photographer? Miss Plastic Surgery Superstar herself. But I disagree with the judges' decision to send Diane home. Sure, she was going to go home eventually, but I didn't think it was her week. Not yet. I thought it was Kim's week. Kim sucks. I'm sorry. In all her pictures, she's got the same face. The same face! She hasn't been studying men's fashion magazines, like Tyra told her to. Her picture totally sucked. It was boring. Kim has about as much sex appeal as an oscillating fan. Plus, how many times did we see Janice yelling at her to show more expressions in her face. And yet, she kept just laying there like a dead androgynous lesbian...like she always does. Booooooring!
Next week's episode looks like things are going to heat up. Yes! The girls start to fight. Finally, some personalities (other than Lisa's) might start to emerge. It's only a matter of time before beautiful women get catty and the claws come out.

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