Extra Hollywood Access: Rocky and roll
I'm back with another column in which I guide you through the world of infotainment like a drunken sailor hauling bloody nets of suffocating fish into port. Open up, Flipper, cause it's feeding time.
On Extra, Sylvester Stallone mentions Rocky 6, a new sequel which is bringing it dangerously close to becoming the Friday the 13th of boxing films about Italians with a brain hemorrhage. I don't know what the movie will be about exactly, though I speculate it will center on Rocky as a retired boxer who solves crimes using boxing:
Rocky: Lookee here, this window is broken. That's how the criminal escaped! [Throws a couple quick jabs in the air]
Policeman: Why did you do that?
Rocky: Do what?
Policeman: Punch the air like that?
Rocky: It's what I do. I solve crimes through boxing.
Policeman: But it was completely unnecessary.
Rocky: This crime ain't getting solved with you talkin' nonsense! Now let's get forensics in here! [mimes an uppercut]
On E! News, we learn that Ricky Martin has a new album out, his third English album. He said he's not concerned with the record's success, and neither is the rest of the world, so it works out nicely.
Speaking of singers, Jamie Foxx crooned during an interview with E! News about his new movie Jarhead, which, incidentally, has nothing to do with singing. He's actually been breaking into song on these shows a lot lately. Rumor has it that an interview with Foxx now involves just sitting still while he performs a three-hour version of "I'm A Little Teapot."
Moving on to Entertainment Tonight, the music just kept on coming, it did. Madonna has a new album, and she claims that disco is cool again. I was actually born during the disco era and it's why I remain the only infant on record who ever tried to commit suicide. Regardless, Madonna has always been the bellwether for such nationwide trends as virginity; materialism; making out with black guys in church; dating Warren Beatty; sucking on water bottles; pretending to play baseball; losing endorsement deals with Pepsi; voguing; singing about Argentina; swearing on television; setting crosses on fire; rolling around on the floor in a wedding dress; marrying British guys; and falling in love with matadors, which are all things I've dabbled in myself, often all at once.
Okay, my medication is starting to wear off, so I better end this. I'll catch you on the flipside.