On the 6th day of Festivus, TV gave to me
...Six Biggest Bitches.
We all know why Martha Stewart's Apprentice failed -- she wasn't a big enough bitch. And Twiggy replacing Janice Dickinson on America's Next Top Model? Smurfette could out-bitch Twiggy even on her smurfiest of days. Martha and Twiggy let us down. But these primetime bitches did not.
1) Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria), Desperate Housewives- According to my Super Bitch 2005 Guidebook, "Any woman who threatens to smack a nun is not only qualified as a bitch, but is automatically crowned queen bitch." Gabrielle is not only one of the sexiest bitches ever, but certainly the one with the shiniest head of hair. What is amazing about Gabrielle is how she uses her skills of manipulation so flawlessly and effortlessly. She gets everything she wants. Honestly, if a woman like this existed in real life, she wouldn't just be living in a nice house on Wisteria Lane, she'd be the Secretary of State.
2) Marguerite Perrin, Trading Spouses- I have a feeling that when Marguerite's audition tape came into the Fox offices, a group of producers high-fived and went out for jumbo margaritas at Chili's on their lunch hour. The greatest fiction writer in the world couldn't create a bigger bitch than Marguerite -- only Jesus can take credit for this one. Not only did viewers get to watch Marguerite isolate everyone she met, but were also treated to the sweet sounds of her dry-heaving to imaginary garbage. Thank you, Jesus, for another winner.
3) Ana Lucia (Michelle Rodriguez), Lost- Those menacing eyes, that wicked snarl. Ana makes Sawyer look like a cuddly little puppy. Sure, she has reasons for her bitchiness (i.e. multiple gun shot wounds), but I've got a sneaky suspicion that she was a major bitch even before that. Call it type-casting, but Jamie Pressley always plays a white trash slut and Michelle Rodriguez always plays a tough-ass bitch. I love Ana The Island Bitch, but I've also got my fingers crossed that a good roll in the sand with Jack might put a smile back on her face. (It'd put a smile on my face.)
4) Taylor Townsend (Autumn Reeser), The OC- When Taylor first appeared this season on The OC, I rolled my eyes. She was an obvious knock-off of Reece Witherspoon's character in Election. But I have learned to not only like Taylor, but love her in all her stuck-up bitch glory. What is so great about Taylor's character is that her bitchy antics seem to be fueled not by personal gain (like Gabrielle), but by her desire to destroy other people (i.e. Seth and Summer). She seems to be a bitch because it's her hobby, an after-school extracurricular activity, much like recreational sailing.
5) Angela (Angela Kinsey), The Office- We don't really know much about Angela. We know she likes posters of kids dressed as adults (creepy), she's humping Dwight (puke), and that she can french braid her hair perfectly (always a sign of bitchiness). Angela is the type of co-worker that takes her role on the party planning committee way too seriously, and it's easy to hate her for it.
6) Liberace, Showdog Moms and Dads- Technically, Liberace was a male dog, but since his balls never properly descended, I think it's safe to qualify him as a bitch. I always thought showdogs were supposed to be well-behaved? Liberace was a bitch. He was the only mini-pooch on the show (minus that vagina-biting beast), that routinely tried to bite his owners and the judges. But I don't blame the pooch, I blame his super queer drama queen owners, Brandon and Ryan.