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October 9, 2015

Extra Hollywood Access: Shiny globes for shiny people

by Adam Finley, posted Dec 13th 2005 10:32PM

ALFDrugs! Sex! Smoking! These are all things I would rather do than watch Extra, Entertainment Tonight, and E! News, but whatever, we haven't ventured down this road in some time, so take my hand, Amanda, we've got some celebrity happenings to discuss. Lift the lid off the container and lets try and choke down this steamy Hollywood goodness together:


The big news on all the infotainment shows was the Golden Globes, the greatest award that can be given to someone in the entertainment industry next to the Oscars, the Espys, the Clios, the Boy Scouts Of America's Pinewood Derby trophy, World's Greatest Golfer, Biggest Popcorn Ball in Iowa, and the "[Insert Name Here] Lost A Tooth Today!" certificate given away in most metropolitan dental offices. Several great shows and actors were nominated, but I was distracted by a hot dog. I mean, it was a really awesome hot dog, with sauerkraut and everything. Just as I was about to start paying attention to the TV again, I received a call from the Golden Globe people:

GG Person: Hey, this is Ron with the Golden Globes! How's your hot dog?

Me: What?

Ron: Your hot dog, is it there?

Me: I'm eating it.

Ron: Whoa! Slow down! She's been nominated for a Golden Globe!

Me: She?

Ron: Yeah, she's up against ALF.

Me: My hot dog.

Ron: Yes, your hot dog.

Me: Is up against a puppet from a show that went off the air twenty years ago?

Ron: Isn't that wonderful?

Me: You guys just give this award to anyone, huh?

Ron: Yes!

Me: I'm speechless.

Ron: Well, tell your wiener to get excited!

Me: There's probably a better way you could have phrased that.

I hung up and caught some information on Extra about Colin Farrell checking himself into rehab. Seems he began to suffer from exhaustion while on the set of Miami Vice. It wasn't the physical stress of doing the movie, it was the mental stress of trying to figure out why they were making a Miami Vice movie in the first place. When I first learned of the movie a year ago I stayed up for three days straight trying to figure it out. I developed a tumor on my frontal lobe that eventually grew into another person and is now holding a gun to my head as I write this. I'm going to try to escape out the window. I'm four stories up, but I'm hoping I can limp my way to a nearby police station.

Later on Extra Carmen Electra went shopping for Levis. She tried on one pair of jeans that made her butt look so nice she exclaimed, "Who needs plastic surgery?" The scream was so loud, in fact, that it caused her breast implants to explode, flooding the entire store. The Extra crew was able to kayak down the stairs and out into the street, unharmed.

On E! News Britney is said to be welcoming her hubby Kevin Federline back home, on the condition that he quit smoking. He's allowed to continue looking like a garage mechanic who shops at The Gap, though.

There was nothing much to see on Entertainment Tonight except for a rehash of everything already talked about on Extra and E! News, however, Mary Hart did speak to Jennifer Pryor, wife of the late Richard Pryor. Before the interview Mary Hart had her "sad face" put on, which is applied with a series of machines much like Darth Vader's mask at the end of Revenge of the Sith. She applauded the widow for her courage, then stood up and walked directly through a brick wall and out into the street where she was sealed in titanium casing until her next interview.

All this entertainment news has made me dizzy, so I'm going to fix myself a salad consisting of fresh fruit and random items from my medicine cabinet. I'll catch you dames and gents later.

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What is with women that they always want to know how their butt looks in jeans? I mean, how many men really care!

December 14 2005 at 10:54 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I agree- hilarious! The description of Kevin Federline was my favorite.

December 14 2005 at 10:28 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

OK, it's very hard to ignore an entry that includes references to a BSA Pinewood Derby, Richard Pryor, Carmen Electra's ass, and the slipped in a reference to the best song on Boston's third album (Amanda from Third Stage for the clueless!). I have no comment other than that this entire entry just made me laugh! "'Cause tomorrow may be too late"

December 14 2005 at 12:45 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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