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October 9, 2015

The Daily Show: January 5, 2006

by Annie Wu, posted Jan 6th 2006 6:32PM
Jon StewartJon seemed to be really honored that he was chosen to host the 2006 Oscars (bwaha! Next... President!). Sure, he may not have been that great in the movies, but I'm sure he'll be brilliant hosting an event about the movies.

Israel's prime minister, Ariel Sharon, suffered a bad stroke and Pat Robertson decided to be a jerk about it, saying that Sharon had a stroke because he divided God's land. Real sympathetic, man. Jon, however, questioned Robertson's reasoning. Dividing God's land caused a stroke? Well, judging by just the pictures of Sharon, the cause seems more likely to be "fat, age, and stress... Unless God was personally force-feeding Sharon knishes".Senior Hebrao Medical Analyst Ed Helms commented on Sharon's condition. He stated that if Sharon doesn't make it, the event may very well cause instability in the region and a "spiral of violence leading people to a web of despair and hopelessness, or as they call it here in the Mid-East... 'Thursday'".

"Braked Alaska": Ted Stevens was being a sneaky bastard and tried hiding some oil exploration stuff he wanted in the annual Military Appropriations Bill. Then he whined about it in front of the Senate... while wearing a Hulk tie. Yes. A Hulk tie. I didn't believe it when Jon pointed it out but it was definitely and clearly a Hulk tie (his little pocket handkerchief was green too, haha). Anyway, Robert Byrd scolded Stevens for a while, but not before talking about how much he cared for Stevens. Brokeback Senate! "Ted Stevens... I wish I knew how to quit you!" Ahh, get a room... or a ranch. Whatever. Then there was a "Coot-Off" (Dagnabbit) where Byrd and Stevens battled for Yosemite Sam points. Byrd won (by a fraction of a Sam). He will get a lifetime supply of The Way Things Used to Be.

"Spear Pressure": Jason Jones filed report on some Pennsylvanians that want to start hunting with atlatls (they're spear-like things... you chuck 'em at deer, pretty much). I still think Jones goes a little too over-the-top... He's got to work on his mock-serious. Anyway, I learned that Jones really sucks with altlatls (both throwing them and pronouncing the word). He should probably stick to his clubs and bicycle chains.

The night's guest was Pierce Brosnan of the upcoming film, The Matador. Brosnan's usually pretty handsome, so I was a little surprised by his funny little beard (for a split second, I thought of Mel Gibson... not really sure why). Apparently he's sporting this General Custer-esque facial hair for a Civil War film he's working on with Liam Neeson. He and Jon talked about The Matador and his current position as an official ex-Bond. I didn't know that Brosnan was originally asked to return as Bond for a fifth film (plans were changed at the last minute and he was booted). Like a true friend, Jon said to Brosnan, "Fuck 'em." Brosnan then nodded and said, "I have to agree. Fuck 'em." Haha, fantastic.

Moment of Zen: Byrd complains a bit. Stevens complains a bit. A coot complains about some ornery ol' mule skinner. Dagnabbit, indeed.

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