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November 28, 2014

Extra Hollywood Access: Fake babies and real problems

by Adam Finley, posted Jan 13th 2006 6:16PM
pat obrienHey, Walter, it's been awhile, hasn't it? In fact, I think it's been longer than a fortnight since I led you on a wild toboggan ride through the crazy world of celebrities and infotainment. If you'll strap yourself in, we'll careen down that hill yet again. The ride is brief, but the memories last a lifetime.*

 

What many people don't know is that Extra, Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, and The Insider are not "TV programs" in the traditional sense. If you watch any of those programs more than once, you realize that they're all covering the exact same topics in the exact same way. There is a very simple explanation for this, and when I explain it to you you're going to feel kind of dumb for not figuring it out on your own. Every infotainment show is actually a projected mirage coming from a gelatinous space creature that lives behind the moon and has the power to absorb every inane, trivial thing a celebrity does. It then projects "humanoid representations" to the Earth, which we perceive as entertainment reporters. This is why you can hurl a brick at Pat O'Brien's head and it will just go right through him. Seriously, you should try it sometime.

However, this doesn't mean we can't learn things from these shows. For example, at a recent event with Rupert Murdoch, Nicole Kidman was seen rubbing her belly a lot. This led to speculation that she might be pregnant. She isn't pregnant, but that doesn't matter. The point is, she did something that could vaguely be interpreted as her being with child, and that's all you need to start cranking up ye olde rumor mill. What follows are some pictures of celebs doing seemingly mundane things, with a caption included for each one. If you're lifelong dream is to right reactionary copy for gossip rags or be an entertainment reporter, you may want to clip and save these:

 

Queen Latifah is shown here wearing a hat. Why is she wearing a hat? Perhaps it's a fashion statement, but more likely, it's to hide a GIGANTIC EXTERNAL TUMOR.

 

 

 

 

 Here, Brad Pitt takes a sip from a cup which seems way too small. Clearly, Brad Pitt is slowly growing into a giant who will eventually destroy us all. Those he doesn't devour will be placed in a gigantic birdcage and forced to dance for his amusement. As his body grows, his brain will deteriorate, leaving him powerful but emotionally unbalanced. If you are currently within one hundred miles of Brad Pitt, it is advised that you seek shelter immediately.

I'll end it here and let you soak in all this information. It's heavy, I know, but we'll get  through it together. Stay frosty, kids.

 

*By "lifetime" I'm referring to the life expectancy of a house fly, which is five days.

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Robert

They'e exactly the same 'cause they're merely distribution channels for Hollywood PR firms. The major qualification for the talking heads that host these shows is the ability to spew such nonsense and untruths (e.g. TomKat!) with a straight face.

On a side note, Howard Stern was able to finally play the infamous Pat O'Brien pre-rehab clip on his debut show on Sirius. Contrary to his cheesy, wholesome demeanor on air, on the tapes he propositions a woman he's barely met to get coke, get a hooker, do a threesome with he and his girlfirend (foursome including the hooker?), and describes in detail what he'd like to do with her. Very amusing.

January 14 2006 at 11:47 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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