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American Idol: Austin Auditions
Wow, I didn't think anything could suck more than the Vegas auditions. But Austin, you proved
me wrong! You are the suckiest city so far. People from Texas can't sing, but hot damn they're attractive. (My family
is from Texas. Wink wink; nudge nudge.) Yup, Texas has a lot to be proud of -- the acting skills of Jessica
Simpson, a great president, and a lot of good-looking people who can't sing worth crap.Where do I begin? I suppose with Julian, the 27-year-old dancer, who can do full leg extends and the splits...in cowboy boots. Or how about Paula, the all-pink nutbag who likes to draw life-size pictures of Paula Abdul? She was pretty rad. Couldn't sing, but her boobs were huge, which earned Austin 2 points on the hotness scale and 0 points on the talent scale. Cierra was also very pretty (strike that) gorgeous, but after her renditions of "O Holy Night" and "Silent Night" Simon described her as being more "The Nightmare Before Christmas." My male roommates went nuts over Allison, the brunette with the tight pink top. I sorta thought she was just average-looking, but they both proclaimed her super hot. I guess it's that whole girl next girl thing. Well, Allison couldn't sing worth anything, but she did have a great zinger with the "pictured Simon in his swimming trunks" crack. She was so cute (apparently) that the judges gave her an extra half hour to practice, but surprise, surprise...she still sucked.
Jason, the funeral director, was a gleaming light of hope. He was an attractive dude and he could really belt a tune. He sounded so much like Josh Groban while singing "You Lift Me Up," that it was creepy. I really enjoyed it and I don't even like Josh Groban. So what, Jason is a funeral director. I can look right past that, but can the voting public?
Then there was super hottie Ashley, the "fit model." What in the hell is a fit model? A million points if someone can explain it to me. Ashley explained it during the audition, but I couldn't understand her. Something about trying on clothes to make sure they fit. What does that mean? I thought that Ashley's voice was average, but her super hotness got her through to Hollywood. That and she can sing with her mouth totally closed. Creepy. The judges thought she had a likeable personality, but I found it absolutely obnoxious. I just hope that she squeezes through to the later rounds...just so I can not vote for her.
And then there was Ronnie or RJ, as his friends call him. But everybody is his friend, so everyone calls him RJ, ha ha. Those are his lame words, not mine. RJ is a self-proclaimed ladies man who seduces old ladies for 25% tips, while working as a waiter. He is all things arrogance. In short, a total schmuck. I hated this guy and I was really hoping that he would suck, but he had a great voice and made it to the next round. Argggggh, where is karma when you need it, Carson Daly?
My favorite audition was 16-year-old William. What a cutie! He looked like a taller Fred Savage, circa my 8th grade fantasies. He was absolutely adorable and he could sing to boot. Yes, finally someone who is cute AND can sing.
Finally, the commercials made a big stink about Tessie, a tubby girl with yellow braids, who squeezed her big tushy into a tight pair of pink pants. (Simon described it as stuffing potatoes into a sack, and I take it a step further by saying, "stuffing scalloped potatoes into a sack.") The commercials made it seem like she was going to be the next William Hung and yes, she did suck. But just marginally. It wasn't really even that funny. The best part was when she tried to slam a swinging door and instead fell into her mom's arms and cried for her broken dreams. Not funny, so much as sad.
Boooo Austin....you suck!
Next Tuesday it's Boston, which will be wicked awesome, I'm sure. (Insert your Ben Affleck and Matt Damon impression here.)
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