American Idol: Austin Auditions

by Lacy Hall, posted Feb 1st 2006 10:04PM
texasWow, I didn't think anything could suck more than the Vegas auditions. But Austin, you proved me wrong! You are the suckiest city so far. People from Texas can't sing, but hot damn they're attractive. (My family is from Texas. Wink wink; nudge nudge.) Yup, Texas has a lot to be proud of -- the acting skills of Jessica Simpson, a great president, and a lot of good-looking people who can't sing worth crap.

Where do I begin? I suppose with Julian, the 27-year-old dancer, who can do full leg extends and the splits...in cowboy boots. Or how about Paula, the all-pink nutbag who likes to draw life-size pictures of Paula Abdul? She was pretty rad. Couldn't sing, but her boobs were huge, which earned Austin 2 points on the hotness scale and 0 points on the talent scale. Cierra was also very pretty (strike that) gorgeous, but after her renditions of "O Holy Night" and "Silent Night" Simon described her as being more "The Nightmare Before Christmas." My male roommates went nuts over Allison, the brunette with the tight pink top. I sorta thought she was just average-looking, but they both proclaimed her super hot. I guess it's that whole girl next girl thing. Well, Allison couldn't sing worth anything, but she did have a great zinger with the "pictured Simon in his swimming trunks" crack. She was so cute (apparently) that the judges gave her an extra half hour to practice, but surprise, surprise...she still sucked.

Jason, the funeral director, was a gleaming light of hope. He was an attractive dude and he could really belt a tune. He sounded so much like Josh Groban while singing "You Lift Me Up," that it was creepy. I really enjoyed it and I don't even like Josh Groban. So what, Jason is a funeral director. I can look right past that, but can the voting public?

Then there was super hottie Ashley, the "fit model." What in the hell is a fit model? A million points if someone can explain it to me. Ashley explained it during the audition, but I couldn't understand her. Something about trying on clothes to make sure they fit. What does that mean? I thought that Ashley's voice was average, but her super hotness got her through to Hollywood. That and she can sing with her mouth totally closed. Creepy. The judges thought she had a likeable personality, but I found it absolutely obnoxious. I just hope that she squeezes through to the later rounds...just so I can not vote for her.

And then there was Ronnie or RJ, as his friends call him. But everybody is his friend, so everyone calls him RJ, ha ha. Those are his lame words, not mine. RJ is a self-proclaimed ladies man who seduces old ladies for 25% tips, while working as a waiter. He is all things arrogance. In short, a total schmuck. I hated this guy and I was really hoping that he would suck, but he had a great voice and made it to the next round. Argggggh, where is karma when you need it, Carson Daly?

My favorite audition was 16-year-old William. What a cutie! He looked like a taller Fred Savage, circa my 8th grade fantasies. He was absolutely adorable and he could sing to boot. Yes, finally someone who is cute AND can sing.

Finally, the commercials made a big stink about Tessie, a tubby girl with yellow braids, who squeezed her big tushy into a tight pair of pink pants. (Simon described it as stuffing potatoes into a sack, and I take it a step further by saying, "stuffing scalloped potatoes into a sack.") The commercials made it seem like she was going to be the next William Hung and yes, she did suck. But just marginally. It wasn't really even that funny. The best part was when she tried to slam a swinging door and instead fell into her mom's arms and cried for her broken dreams. Not funny, so much as sad.

Boooo Austin....you suck!

Next Tuesday it's Boston, which will be wicked awesome, I'm sure. (Insert your Ben Affleck and Matt Damon impression here.)

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Denise Calhoun

In all fairness to the Austin auditions it doesn't take a brain scientist to see that they only showed what THEY thought was good TV. It really reminded me of an audition for "Let's make a deal" or a really bad Fear Factor. My son auditioned in Austin and was rejected. He has been in the Texas All-State Choir for 2 years which means he competed in 3 other competitions to get there. The Texas All-State choir is one of the best choirs in the nation. He also was given a special award for solo ensemble competition. I went to San Francisco (I don't know why they had to lie but that shows you what kind of people we are dealing with) There were some tremendous kids with phenomenal voices that didn't make it and unfortunately were never even seen. Most went in and sang songs that showed their forte. They were told they had great voices but that was not what they were looking for. If they were auditioning for the best voices it would be a totally different show. Instead it looks like American Idol Circus. The people you are seeing should never have gotten to the third round. Of course they made it look like Randy, Paula and Simon were there for round one. NOT! First they auditioned for the cast directors, then the producers and if they made it through those two auditions then they auditioned for RS&P. Don't be fooled by what you are seeing. They are only looking for good TV not for the best voices. Summary the kids that had really good voices were turned away and told they were not what Idol was looking for. So Kudos to the austin contestants that auditioned and are already champions in their own right. BRAVO!

February 08 2006 at 8:59 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
alyssa

WOW. Austin really sucked. They showed *maybe* 5-8 good people.. and the rest of the auditions, horrible. I hear stuck up simon won't allow any celeb. judges on there this year. < ANY BODY KNOW WHY?.
Anyways, hopefully Boston will bring better auditions.

February 07 2006 at 4:47 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
denise weinstein

I THOUGHT THIS SEASON WAS SUPPOSED TO SHOWCASE THE BEST TALENT OF ALL THE OTHER SEASONS...THIS YEAR SO FAR HAS BEEN A WASTE OF TV TIME...GET RID OF THE AWFULS AND JUST SHOW THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE POTENTIAL TO WIN. YOU ARE GOING TO LOST TV AUDIENCES THIS WAY.
FT. LAUDERDALE, FL.

February 04 2006 at 2:57 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kit

I went with my daughter to the audition in Austin, and let me tell you, there were plenty of very talented people at the audition. Unfortunately, the show deals with entertainment more so than true talent. Part of the fun of watching is to see all the really bad singers. I think that "staging" a show is far more important to them than picking a lot of serious singers. Don't judge Texas by the untalented, judge it by the talent that you find playing in venues all over the state. Texas has some of the finest musicians in the world.

February 04 2006 at 2:05 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Marilyn

I am sure there were good singers in Austin Why didn't they go on Am Idol.As for Jessica Simpson,all she has it a rubber behind she totes around most times and sometimes her behind is flat.Sooo phony she is, cannot sing and has no acting talent. All she has is a great bod which will fade away like the rest of them.WOW,wait til Am Idol hits Big Bad Boston.Go Boston,you be the first for the great singing talent.

February 04 2006 at 2:02 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Frank

A great President? Well, now you've really established your credibility with us. Barf.

February 04 2006 at 1:49 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Frank

A great President? Well, now you've really established your credibility with us. Barf.

February 04 2006 at 1:48 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
CaptnJack

Why on earth would ANYONE think theres anything in Austin but a bunch of fruits drinkin tea and wearing orange?

February 04 2006 at 1:25 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
michael

Well I'm from jason's church and he sings there often. When he sang at American Idol, that was not even close to his best. I have heard him sing that song plenty of times, and that time was his worst.

February 04 2006 at 1:19 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
kat

I think Austin is an incredible city with promising talent. Get it? THAT'S why it was such a disapointment for American Idol. It's not so much a knock to the city as a surprise.

February 04 2006 at 1:19 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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