American Idol: Vegas Auditions

I had a feeling the Vegas auditions were gonna to suck. Any town that proclaims itself as a Mecca of talent is seldom that. Only 11contestants from Vegas are moving on to Hollywood, but one of them is actually named Mecca. She's a tiny girl with a big voice, but she has horrible tastes in wardrobe. I wasn't against her newspaper boy look, but I think it's a shame to hide such a cute little face under the biggest Sanford & Son hat ever made. Strange wardrobe choices from a girl who is also a belly dancer. I guess she wanted to cover-up for the Idol auditions, so Simon would pay more attention to her voice and less to her abs. Good thinking.

But for every Mecca there was also an Alexia.

Or should I call him Dylon, his "Rastafarian" moniker. I'll just call him Dork. Dylon rolled up in Old Navy shorts and a "Jamaica Good Music" t-shirt, a horrible Rasta wig, and a fake Jamaican accent that sounded more Dracula than Bob Marley. Of course, he's not from the island, but rather...Bakersfield, California. Wow, he almost had us fooled. He did a song that he called "a reggae version of American Idol" but he was really just rapping...and badly. The judges didn't enjoy his shtick and sent him packing. But what was weird was him crying during the post-interview ,and berating himself for not coming into the audition has a serious performer. I was confused by this. Was he seriously upset or was that his new shtick? Cause those tears looked real. If singing doesn't work out (and it won't), then he should audition for All My Children.

Vegas brought a lot of returning freaks back this year. The best being psychic Bobbi Mae, who was acting as a talent coach for her just as talent-less little sister Erica. And surprise, surprise, Erica sucked too. She was better than Bobbi Mae, but still in a sucky way. Bobbie Mae vowed to return and Simon pleaded, "Please, can you just watch it next year?" JC was also back this year, and with a mullet. Remember JC? He was the scary guy with buggy eyes who makes stabbing motions when he sings. Totally American Idol material. But alas, Simon wouldn't even let him sing. He brought down the show before it even got started. I was disappointed. I was looking forward to the performance merely for the comedic material.

But Vegas was not without its rock n' rollers. Ryan the Cusser showed up ready to hardcore rock our butts! Too bad you couldn't understand anything he sang (i.e. screamed). The back of his black hoodie sweatshirt was blurred out, and I don't know if that was because the logo didn't get approval or because it had profanity on the back of it. Good thing, I don't think I could take much more of his @*&$# or his %$#@$.

Heather the prison counselor was a treat. She had that sort of likeable charisma that makes you want her to win. The pre-interview was a little bit awkward. Not because of her, but because Simon revealed that it's "normally him who uses handcuffs on other people." Hmmmm, too much information. Heather performed "Redneck Woman" and the judges were shocked by it. Wanna know why? Cause she's black. A black woman singing "Redneck Woman"? That's insane! Almost as crazy as that black woman on Lost who has a white husband. It's just madness. I love it when American TV pushes itself into the 19th Century in regards to racial stereotypes. It's very forward thinking.

If I learned anything from the Vegas auditions, it's that sweater vests don't look good on 350 pound guys. Okay, so sweater vests don't look good on anybody, and Big Boy Anthony just proved that point. The weight problem aside, he just didn't have the voice, or the attitude. Why argue with the judges? Besides, who would feed all 75 of his pets if he got sent to Hollywood?

Haggai had to be the best of the worst. He's an immigrant that is trying to become a citizen and follow his dream. I don't know what country he's from because they never said, but I know they are kicking themselves for allowing such a musical titan to slip across their borders and into America's loving embrace. I don't know what I loved more -- Haggai's American flag t-shirt or his pitch-perfect keychain. I think I liked how he asked the judges for new batteries when Simon said that the keychain sounded a little off-key. No, no. I think my favorite part is when he told Ryan Seacrest that he had beautiful eyes. That wasn't awkward at all. Nor was it awkward in his post-interview when he explained that he didn't make it to the next round because none of the judges were making eye contact with him. He claimed that Randy was looking around the room, Simon was looking at a book, and Paula was too busy staring at his body(?) You wish, dude.

The show wrapped up with Taylor, who at 29 has a full head of gray hair. According to Taylor, he started to go gray at 14 and just didn't try to fight it. The gray hair wasn't helped much by his big bushy black eyebrows, but his voice was wonderful. He sang Sam Cook, but his stage presence was super dorky. He sorta moved like Ray Charles, but minus the blindness, so somehow that makes it less acceptable. Simon admitted that he had a good voice, but didn't want to let him on to the next round. Paula and Randy gave him the thumbs up, and Simon frowned because he knows that they are just gonna ax the poor kid before he gets a chance to go on to the live shows. Which prompts the question, is Simon really that mean? Sure, he's blunt, but is he just saving some performers from getting their dreams crushed at a later time? Is he really looking out for the contestants, while Randy and Paula are serving them up for slaughter? Five seasons and I'm still not sure what's up with Simon.