The Daily Show: February 14, 2006

Jon Stewart started off by wishing us a Happy Valentine's Day and hopes that we're all getting laid ("Consider us foreplay this evening"). Aww, cheers, Jon. Same to you.

As if TDS didn't rub it in Cheney's face enough in the last episode, they brought it up again: Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 78 year-old man in the face because he mistook him for a bird. Well, it turns out it was a lot worse than they had previously stated. In actuality, Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 78 year-old man from the side and then up to the face (birdshots spray). Holy crap.

And it doesn't end there... The injured man, Harry Whittington, is in the hospital and just suffered a minor heart attack because some material from the birdshot lodged in his heart. Oh, my God. Jon then announced that the hilarity level had taken a downgrade from "Incredibly Hilarious" to "Still Funny, But, Mmm... Now A Little Sad". And if Whittington dies from the injury, the level drops straight to "Brechtian".

Scott McClellan offered to answer questions at the latest conference and was immediately faced with numerous reporters curious about the Cheney incident. His response to the Cheney incident was less than satisfying. The press continued to hound him and Jon couldn't help but take pleasure in it, enjoying the reporters over teatime and responding to suggestions of Cheney's resignation with his trademark nipple-rubbing. Hee hee, that gets me everytime.

Young Nate Corddry then filed a report about the true, bloody history of St. Valentine's Day. He declared a "war on St. Valentine's Day", accusing the holiday of being a secular orgy, celebrating disgusting items like lingerie and chocolate thongs. He went undercover ("went undercover" means "donned a fake moustache") to find out exactly how this martyr's death is being commercialized. He even consulted a romance expert ("Isn't 'romance expert' just a fancy way of saying 'slut'?"), but she had no idea what the history of the holiday was. Nate decided to take matters into his own hands and educate small children about the gruesome details. I loved Nate's puppet show for the kids (he used handpuppets to demonstrate Valentine's beheading). He suggested that people take in the real meaning of the holiday by not buying flowers, but sitting quietly and reflecting on the death; fast instead of having a fancy dinner; and not buying cards (unless they're for papercutting your neck). Ahh, this was a great segment. Nate's still doing wonderfully. Before the commercial break, they also showed a short clip of Nate in the classroom, doing a disgusted double-take at a list titled "What we can do with balls" (included verbs like "bounce") tacked on the board. I proceeded to laugh straight through the commercials. What can I say? I still laugh at "balls" jokes.

The night's guest was Peter Tertzakian, author of A Thousand Barrels a Second : The Coming Oil Break Point and the Challenges Facing an Energy Dependent World (these guests sure like long titles...). Tertzakian and Jon had a discussion about America's "addiction to oil". Jon revealed that he owns a hybrid car... it's half-Hummer, half-Escalade (a heavy -5 miles per gallon). Tertzakian surprised Jon with a special fact: America's greatest oil supplier (or, in drug-lingo, "pusher") is Canada. Why haven't we invaded Canada?!

No Colbert check-in again (more re-runs). Moment of Zen: A special (and strange) Valentine's Day image... Baby sheep dog suckling from a mamma pig. Dude! It's like Babe... but different!