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July 24, 2014

Extra Hollywood Access: Boat love is true love

by Adam Finley, posted Feb 20th 2006 1:21PM

maypor mccheeseOkay kids, I'm going to keep this edition of Extra Hollywood Access short and sweet. I've got a chicken in the oven and its incessant screaming is really making it difficult for me to concentrate. Let's get the party started:

On Extra we learn that Jennifer Lopez is working on a movie (El Cantante) about the salsa movement which began in the mid 70s. For those of you who don't know salsa's rich history, it began with a group of cattle ranchers in Texas who insisted their salsa was better than anything that came out of New York City. This resulted in the Great Salsa War of 1976, during which no tortilla chip was spared. The country wouldn't see carnage of this magnitude until the Ketchup vs. Catsup conflict of 1989, which claimed the lives of both Mr. Potato Head and Mayor McCheese.

On E! News we learn that despite those nasty tabloid rumors, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have not split up and are still very much in love. Why do we know this? Because they were hugging on a boat in Australia. At least, they were hugging when the cameras were on them, but I truly believe they were simply caught in the middle of a twelve-hour non-stop boat hugging session. That's how unbelievably in love these two creepy, ever-smiling freaks are, and I don't think the mere fact that only mental patients look that ecstatic all the time should dilute our notion of their love one bit.

Of course, some want to rain on TomKat's parade by insisting that their love is a manufactured Hollywood sham and that it's shameful they're bringing an innocent child into the world because of it. E! News described Katie's tummy as having "an ever-expanding 'baby bump.'" Frankly, that's a load off my mind, since I was fairly certain it was actually a human child gestating inside a sac of amniotic fluid. Now that I know it's just a "baby bump" I'm not so concerned. I think that can be cleared up with a little Cortizone if I'm not mistaken.

Okay, that's all I have for now. I would have watched more of these entertainment shows but after so long my eyeballs actually tried to eat themselves. I'll catch you next time.

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