The Daily Show: March 27, 2006

March Madness is still running rampant and Jon has been doing less than well... He lost so much money that he has been banned from watching any more college basketball. With basketball on the mind, I thought Jon said that the interview for the episode was going to be Michael Jordan... but it was Michael Gordon. Oh well.

There's some crazy stuff going on in Florida right now... It's Spring Break and there's a killer on the loose! A serial killer that targets prostitutes! Well, with all the scantily-clad ladies around, half of Florida might be wiped out before April rolls around. FOX News reported on this and picked absolutely the worst possible footage to accompany discussion about how dangerous this killer is. Lots of gyrating and pelvic thrusting. If you weren't looking at the screen, you heard a very serious report... If you were looking, you got an erection.

Hundreds of immigrants formed a peaceful protest against Congress' new anti-immigration bill. Senior Los Angeles Bureau Chief Ed Helms reported on the issue and how it affects us. These immigrants are taking away work from American protesters, working for minimum rage (low response on that one... well, I laughed, Ed). Helms broke down and started crying, explaining how this hinders his plans for providing a better future for his children... His hopes have been completely dashed because his life is just too damn awesome. How are his kids supposed to top that?! Helms stopped crying after Jon brought up the fact that he doesn't have any kids (I don't think that'll be true for much longer... judging by the rate that the Daily Show correspondents are having babies). Damage is well-controlled after these immigrant protests because they clean up their own mess for only $6/hour.

Apparently, there's a new Wal-Mart that caters to wealthier shoppers. It includes a sushi bar and "a bathroom that doesn't reek of elderly greeters' urine and tears".

People are still pretty riled up about the idea of tightening security at ports because it takes forever and costs too much. Instead, many propose that we only check the containers that pose the biggest threats... like the ones labeled "rabid child molesters with knives riding lions". Check them double-quick if there's a bomb fuse on top.

The night's guest was, again, not Michael Jordan, but Michael Gordon, chief military correspondent for The New York Times and author of Cobra II : The Inside Story of the Invasion and Occupation of Iraq (not as cool as Space Jam, but whatever). Jon was his usual amiable self, trying to start up some riveting conversation. Gordon sat about the entire time, staring at Jon, not laughing, barely smiling. I mean, Jon pulled out all the stops here, including a Flavor Flav joke that I really enjoyed. Eh, Gordon annoyed me a bit. We could have gotten a lot more information about his book if he just played along and worked those jokes in as segues instead of pretending they weren't there.

Jon/Stephen: Stephen Colbert screwed up his fairy tale references while trying to explain the Cinderella story of George Mason. Moment of Zen: FOX News brings you straight into the SPHERE OF DEATH. Oh em gee shift one.