The Daily Show: April 6, 2006

There are a lot of sick perverts out there, perusing through the Internet for young children to take advantage of. One such man: Brian Doyle. Doyle was recently arrested for soliciting sex from a 14 year-old (who turned out to be someone undercover). Here's the twist: Doyle works for the Department of Homeland Security... and he told the 14 year-old that he worked there. Wow. Bravo, sir. If only we had a department in charge of investigating this sort of stuff... Hmm. The irony is too much. Al-Qaeda must think we're retarded. Despite the horrors of this scandal, it still doesn't top McGruff's flashing issue from earlier in the year.

"Rice-A-Rongi": Condoleezza Rice admitted that the US made "thousands" of tactical errors since the beginning of the Iraq War. Just when you thought the government was going to start owning up to their own crap, Rice retracted the comment, stating that it was meant figuratively. What she really meant to say was "an unfathomable shitload"... It's an idiom! It's kind of like the way the British say "lift" instead of "elevator".

Dan Bakkedahl filed a report about the hottest thing during Spring Break: marketing. This time of year is the perfect moment for companies all across the country to flock to the beaches to try and reel in drunk 18 to 24 year-olds to buy their stuff or sign contracts they can't read. Whoo! Get naked if you want a free gift when you sign up for Mastercard! Bakkedahl hung out with some of the scantily-clad youths, consuming goods and services.

"Votive or Die": I thought this was a complete joke but, apparently, an actual study was conducted in which researchers attempted to find out if prayers from others would help the conditions of post-surgery heart patients. In all cases, with or without prayer or the knowledge of any prayers, the percentage of post-surgery heart complications came to about 50%. So what did we learn from this research? We desperately need better heart surgeons. And as for prayer... "Complications include dizziness, loss of faith, vomiting, or atheism." Please consult your doctor or priest.

The night's guest was Josh Hartnett, star of the new film, Lucky Number Slevin. Jon and Josh were both in the ever-so-cheesy The Faculty, so most of the interview consisted of reminiscing on both their parts (I've never seen the film before, but I was amused to find out that Jon grew a little beard for the role... I should probably watch it).

Jon/Stephen: Stephen Colbert greeted Jon as he did a teleprompter/eye test, blurry camera and all. Moment of Zen: Benny Hinn will bring God to you by swirling his blazer round and round.