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July 31, 2014

The Five: Reasons to not turn off TV during 'TV Turnoff Week'

by Richard Keller, posted Apr 24th 2006 11:17AM

Don't turn off the TV during TV-Turnoff WeekApril 24th begins the annual "TV Turnoff Week". For seven days we are to turn off the boob tube and focus on other activities inside and outside our home. For instance, talking to the other members of our family or walking out the front door into that space full of yellow light and green grass. I think we call that the outdoors.

Of course, the purpose of "TV Turnoff Week" is the total opposite of what we do here at TV Squad, which is, um, report on television. So, as a public service to you we present this special episode of The Five: Reasons to not turn off TV during 'TV Turnoff Week'.

You can post comments on TV Squad articles:  We love your comments, even when you say we're messengers of Satan because some of us don't like Pearl Jam. However, if you don't turn the TV on, you're not going to be able to comment on any of the shows that we review. That will make all of us sad, and probably make our bosses even sadder. We'll end up losing our jobs, which will have a domino effect for all of our other blogging sites. Of course, that will cause AOL to go out of business, and the Internet will probably collapse unto itself. Dogs and cats will fight, cows will stop giving milk, and, yadda yadda yadda. We'll eventually be beating each other over the heads with clubs in order to grab the carcass of a dead brontosaurus.

We need something to watch late at night with our newborns: It's 3:30 in the morning. You've been up with your newborn for almost a whole day because, for some reason, he doesn't understand the concept of sleeping between the hours of midnight and 7:00 AM. You're on the 150th lap of the living room marathon and you are about to collapse due to exhaustion. Nothing like a little Who's the Boss, Futurama or What's My Line to keep you interested. If there's nothing on the regular networks there's always 30 Minute Meals on ON DEMAND. Of course, you can always listen to the radio. Pfft, right!

You learn a lot from television:  Television is not the wasteland that many people believe it has been since the first test pattern appeared. Fact of the matter is TV is a wonderful educational tool. For example, if you watch The Weather Channel  you can learn how an earthquake can strike New York City at any time, plunging it into the Atlantic Ocean. If you watch one of the 24-hour news channels, you can learn that bird flu will wipe everyone out across the globe and plunge us into a new Dark Age. If you watch The Jerry Springer Show you learn that, well, The Jerry Springer Show is still on the air, which proves that miracles can happen.

We need to watch Taylor Hicks dance on American Idol:  Taylor Hicks is a tremendous singer and I feel that he could go all the way (then again, he could be gone after I submit this post). However, he couldn't dance himself out of a paper bag (although why he'd want to do that is beyond me). Yet, you can't help but watch him move about the stage while belting out a song. It's almost hypnotic.

And, finally, one of the most important reasons to watch TV:

You'll miss an episode of LostTrying to keep up with an episode of this show is like trying to keep up with a Dennis Miller monologue. There are so many plot threads going on at once that you really need to watch every single episode to have an idea what's happening. If you turn off your TV and miss just one episode, you will lose the entire continuity of the series, which will most likely cause you to lose sleep and stop eating. Then, you'll be in the hospital, which will cause you to lose your job. Your wife will divorce you and move in with the air conditioner repairman, your children will get arrested for using BitTorrent to download episodes of Lazytown, and, yadda yadda yadda, you'll be beating people over the head with clubs so you can grab the dead carcass of a brontosaurus.

 

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Mike

taylor literally makes me wretch every time he is on screen. he is an uneducated, untalented, immature, obnoxious, smug little monster with a voice like nails on a chalkborad. and watching his gut move around as if independent from his body as he gyrates like a 6 year old with ADD and parkinson's makes me want to fly to LA and beat him with a 2x4.

thanks! vote for elliott!

May 09 2006 at 8:58 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Jer

These are the type of absurdist reasons I would expect from people addicted to the hype-ridden medium called television. Television for lack of a better word is "shit". It is controlled by a media plutocracy who only wish to disseminate information they deem relevant and that promotes their interests (often at odds with social justice). Moreover, it promotes anti-social behavior, e.g. commercialism, elitism, consumerism, vanity, narcissism, avarice, sexism, perpetuation of racial and gender sterotypes, etc. I could literally cite at least a dozen more negative social traits. Probably less than 5% of presents legitimate news and valuable information. Even the science channels are dummied down and presented as entertainment. Probably the only decent channels are the Weather Channel and PBS (which is supposed to be free).

Not only turn off television, destroy television, we'd be a lot better off.

April 30 2006 at 2:04 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Cathy M

Why would I want to turn off the TV? I wouldn't have anything to write about in my blog!

April 25 2006 at 2:45 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Erica

If this was a couple of months ago, maybe. But now that Prison Break is back, I just can't.

April 24 2006 at 6:03 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Aimee

Actually, LOST is not a new episode this week, per se. Instead it's a clip show to catch us up on what's happened this season. So you could miss it and still survive...

The same could not be said about missing the Gilmore Girls (even if it has been craptacular this half of the season).

April 24 2006 at 5:42 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Allen Mendelsohn

20 minutes into the future:

"Edison look, an off switch."
"She'll get years for that - off switches are illegal."

- From Max Headroom, the greatest and most prescient sci-fi show of all time

April 24 2006 at 4:26 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Tim

You know, if this organization had any true understanding of how TV worked, they wouldn't call for a TV free week during the week May sweeps start.

Anybody with a brain that watches TV on a regular basis KNOWS there's no giving this stuff up for the next four weeks.

You want to pick a week to skip out on some TV? Pick the week that starts with Memorial Day. Nothing but re-runs on anyway....it's a great time to start whittling down that Netflix queue.

April 24 2006 at 3:23 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Bex

I don't understand. The TV turns off?

April 24 2006 at 2:42 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
TJ

Annual event, according to who? I have never heard of it before this blog. Seeing this makes me want to not turn my tv on - YEAH, RIGHT!!

April 24 2006 at 1:23 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Bob Mc

TV also gives us an excuse not to talk to our wives.

April 24 2006 at 12:43 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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