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September 3, 2015

The Daily Show: May 4, 2006

by Annie Wu, posted May 5th 2006 6:17PM
Jon StewartMay 4th was Cinco de Mayo Eve, the night when drunken stockbrokers tumble through civilian chimneys once the kids are in bed.

"Revenge of the Birds": The ol' H5-NI fear has been running rampant and the government finally stepped up and released its plans to combat any potential outbreak in the National Strategy for Pandemic Influenza report. Here's a synopsis: "We dunno what to do, we dunno what to do, we dunno!" Jon suggested an alternate title for the Strategy... "RUN!"

The lack of information in this report means that we can add yet another item onto the list of things that we're not prepared for (along with "terror attack", "hurricane", "fuel shortage" and "serious relationship right now"). However, we can add "for some football" to the list of things for which we are prepared. Jon scanned the report for some crazy shit and stumbled across this gem: in case of a pandemic, "employers should have plans to keep workers three feet apart." This will prove to be a difficult problem for the firm Tight, Squeeze, & McHuggington. The government also said that they will not fund hospitals to increase capacity, will not assist in law enforcement, among other things. "Basically, the government learned from Katrina that they had done too much."

"Dr. Spin, Medicine Woman": Dan Bakkedahl filed a report on the war between generic drugs and glamorized, more expensive drugs. He interviewed Miss Florida 2006, Cristin Duren, because she used to be a drug rep (big drug companies use pretty salespeople to lure more customers). It's a fact: Bakkedahl gets creepier and creepier with every segment. Geez.

Some more news about Bush's stance against the Spanish version of our national anthem. The other day, First Lady Laura Bush said in an interview that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with the anthem being sung in Spanish. When the interviewer brought up that her husband was firmly against it, she said, "I think it should be sung in English, of course." Wait a second... Remind me again, what camp coined the term "flip-flop"?

With more on this ridiculously stupid controversy, Jon covered a little bit of our anthem's history. Francis Scott Key wrote it to the tune of an old English drinking song during the War of 1812, when the Americans and the Brits fought for the overture (America won and proceeded to use it in films like Bad News Bears). Key's song was such a hit that it only took 117 years to become our anthem. But that's not all, there are actually three more verses that are not included in the song nowadays. He recited a short selection before finally crying out, "CHRIST, that would sound better in Spanish! Or Klingon! Or any other combination of syllables!" Jon's proposal: Keep the anthem in English and then give the rest of the verses to anyone that wants them.

The night's guest was John Malkovich, star of the new film Art School Confidential. Malkovich was interested in hearing about Jon's crappy day so he spent a few minutes explaining how his upstairs neighbor caused a huge leak. Malkovich then went on to talk about how he doesn't have many neighbor woes in his home in Boston, but had some trouble with some farmers in his old home in France (there were issues with his well and carrot field... "Did you used to live in a 19th century novel?" Jon asked). They didn't talk about Art School Confidential at all during the interview. Kind of disappointing... I wanted to hear more about the film. At least it was somewhat entertaining to listen to.

Jon/Stephen: Stephen Colbert read the winning entry from the "Write the Banter with Jon" competition ("Hey Jon! Is your show over yet?" "Almost." "Good! 'Cause it's stupid and I want to see Stephen Colbert.") Moment of Zen: Look out! There's a rooster loose on the street!

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