Confab with Satan
Sometimes while going about our day to day lives, we forget to stop and give thanks to that all-powerful being who has brought so much to our pathetic existence. Since this day (6/6/06) shall never come again, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to sit down for a little chat with Satan, ruler of the underworld, prince of Hades, and former sales manager at Tru Value Hardware, to find out how he feels about television these days. Enjoy:
Adam: Did you really work at Tru Value?
Satan: No, that was just a resume builder.
Satan: Well, employers want customer service experience these days. It's tough. Getting kicked out of Heaven and torturing the damned doesn't automatically get you a job. It's not 1989 anymore, you know.
Adam: Sure. So anyway --
Satan: I can install drywall pretty well.
Adam: This isn't a job interview.
Satan: I'm just saying.
Adam: It seems that ever since television began, you've been portrayed in almost every possible way. You've popped up in old Warner Bros. cartoons, The Simpsons, South Park, Futurama (as a robot), and that's just cartoons. You've also been portrayed in a lot of live-action work as well, both comedy and drama. People don't seem to care for you personally, but they can't stop thinking about you, or playing you on TV.
Satan: And I never saw a single cent from any of that.
Adam: That's unfortunate.
Satan: Well, that's why I'm sitting here in front of you today. I think you'll find my carpentry skills are excellent.
Adam: I already told you this isn't a job interview.
Satan: Sorry, my mind isn't what it used to be. Old age, you know.
Adam: How old are you, exactly?
Satan: I am ageless, but if I had to put it in human terms, I would say I'm about 785,292,678 years old.
Satan: But I read at the level of a 785,292,695 year old.
Adam: Did you ever become jealous when religious shows like Highway to Heaven and Touched by an Angel were popular?
Satan: Actually, I only saw one episode of Highway to Heaven, and I thought it was that episode of Little House on the Prairie where they found the time machine. Then someone told me that episode doesn't exist. So there you go.
Adam: Out of the hundreds of portrayals you've seen of yourself on television, which do you feel was the most accurate?
Satan: Oh, that's easy. Martha Stewart.
Adam: That's kind of mean, Satan.
Satan: What? You think I'm talking about her personality? I'm talking about culinary skills, man. I defy you to taste my pumpkin dessert next to hers and try to figure which is which. Also, I use a special ingredient.
Adam: Which is?
Satan: The gouged-out eyeballs of the innocent.
Adam: Actually, I heard Stewart uses that, too.
Satan: Yes, but she only uses half a cup.