The Daily Show: June 5, 2006

Jon Stewart finally returned with a new episode after a two-week hiatus. He and the audience sounded extremely excited to be back. He noted that he was completely revitalized after having all the blood in his body transfused, just like Keith Richards. He also brought up the news that Canada recently broke up a terrorist plot. "Congratulations on becoming a terrorist target!" Jon said to Canada. "Lot of us didn't think you had it in ya."

"SuperCuts": As for New York, a place so nice that it was attacked by international terrorists twice, anti-terrorism funds have been cut 40%. Well, get this: the money cut from New York will be spent to help anti-terrorism in Charlotte, Omaha, and Louisville instead. Apparently, the funds are distributed on the basis of what your city has the "World's Largest Ball" of. Jon then threw in a little "Omaha bin Laden" joke, which was accompanied by a picture of Osama looking strangely Hasidic. Anyway, the most remarkable part of the cuts was the fact that they listed NY as having zero icons or monuments. The Brooklyn Bridge is listed only as "bridge", the Empire State Building is only a "tall office building", and the Statue of Liberty is a "giant, green water whore". Senior Counterterrorism Reporter (and Agent) Rob Corddry offered an equation to calculate the funds for your city ("Total population of city divided by square mileage times Baptists over synagogues..."). Actually, the equation was irrelevant. Funds depend on whether or not where you lived voted for Bush. Fun Fact: To most people, New York isn't even part of America, but a separate place called GayJewistan.

"Pump My Ride": Ed Helms filed a report on New Jersey's strange situation. NJ is one of two states that doesn't allow self-service at the pumps. Some figures introduced a bill to change that because having people pump their own gas can lower prices by 5 to 7 cents per gallon. Surprisingly enough, many citizens were outraged by the notion of doing their own work. Helms spoke to a gas expert about why pumping your own gas can be a dangerous task. Did you know there's a possibility of losing a limb? A wild dog or a bear might come tear in. Helms took on the challenge himself and almost strangled himself to death. It's really not worth it, is it?

Some slightly bizarre news... The troops in Iraq don't like the bulky, armored uniforms they have received. Apparently, no one is safer in combat than the Michelin man. Many soldiers have refused to wear it because they don't feel any safer in the bulky uniform. They'll probably change their minds once we have to fight a war in a beehive on the moon. Apparently, Cher called in to C-SPAN's Washington Journal to voice her passionate opinions about troops' helmet safety. Cher! And that wasn't the most surprising part! It was the second or third time she's phoned in. No no, even that wasn't the most surprising part. Cher calmly threw in, "One of my best friends is Lou Dobbs..." What?!

The night's guest was Caroline Kennedy, daughter of John F. Kennedy and one of the founders of the Profiles in Courage Award. This year marks the 50th anniversary of JFK's book of the same name. Kennedy and Jon had a discussion about the various aspects of the Award and its winners.

Jon/Stephen: Stephen Colbert had a special event for the 100th episode of The Colbert Report, so no segue was done. Shh, super-secret. Moment of Zen: Cher salutes the sailors. If ah could turn bahck taaaaah-ime!