The Daily Show: June 8, 2006

"Sheikh's Feet Under": Big news! Abu Mousab al-Zarqawi (aka Stinky) has been found dead. When Donald Rumsfeld made the announcement, he sounded a little choked up because it's the first thing he's done right. The news was accepted quietly, but the press conference in Iraq was met with cheers. Correspondent Samantha Bee explained that the death of Zarqawi and eight other martyrs is going to make for a sucky day for virgin wranglers in Heaven. Some of the lower ranking guys probably won't get full complement... the cherry orchard may have a few bruised fruits... some of those girls might be whores.

An American Idol style farewell montage of Zarqawi followed. I loved that it was set to Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" and ended with Zarqawi saying, "It was an honor just to be targeted." Haha, excellent. Apparently, they managed to identify Zarqawi because of his horizontal buttcrack. Okay. The graphic that accompanied that joke was... horrible. And yet, I couldn't stop laughing at it.

"Maple Leaf Rage": As reported a few days ago, Canada foiled a terror plot in a dramatic raid over the weekend, giving Jon the excuse to do a Dudley Doo-Right voice. Although the raid sounds like a big deal, one must take into consideration the exchange rate: 17 Canadian terrorists is really about 15.2 American terrorists. Jon decided to give the terrorists a talk at Camera 3. "You hate Canada? That's like saying you hate toast," he said, defending our neighbors up North. "As far as Canada goes, you leave them oot."

The World Cup is coming up, so Resident Expert John Hodgman decided to drop by and explain this cultural phenomenon. Apparently, approximately 85 trillion people watch, because it's like the Olympics plus the World Series plus the birth of your first child all multiplied by X... where X is awesome. People overseas get crazy about the World Cup because, for starters, they're foreigners, and second, because it brings up ancient rivalries. Soccer/football serves as a metaphor for war. American's don't need a metaphor for war 'cause we have... war. If anything, war is a metaphor for sports. In fact, when the pilot dropped the bomb on Zarqawi's house, his exact words were, "GOOOOOOOOAL!... Roger."

The night's guest was Lily Tomlin, one of the stars of the upcoming A Prairie Home Companion. She and Jon discussed the film and how it was to work with Robert Altman. I was slightly distracted by my discovery that she played Ms. Frizzle in The Magic School Bus (insert emoticon indicating surprise).

Jon/Stephen: Stephen Colbert announced that he's having a baby with Angelina Jolie. Well, not yet. It was merely a statement of intent to get the press riled up. Since her baby with Brad Pitt is named Shiloh, Stephen decided that if he and Angelina have a boy, he'll be Gettysburg, and if it's a girl, Fort Sumter. Moment of Zen: The news networks are sooo clever. Zarqawi's safehouse was more like an UN-safehouse. LOLZ.