Seinfeld: The Pen

(S03E03) My brother Rich and I can both tell you about the grudges our grandparents had with people who, in the grand scheme of things, didn't seem to do much to earn that grudge. It could have been something as silly as a birthday card that was a few days late or a remark heard through an intermediary. But the passive-aggressive venom put forth from both sets of grandparents (one who lived in the Bronx, and one who lived in Florida) made it seem like the person being grudged against was the Jewish version of Joey Buttafuoco.

That's why "The Pen" is one of my all-time favorite episodes of Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David did such a pitch-perfect job of capturing the silly pettiness that goes on in Floridian retirement communities, that when I first saw it, it took me right back to my mother's parents' condo in Lake Worth.

We all know the plot to this one: Jerry and Elaine visit Jerry's parents in Florida, where Morty Seinfeld is going to be honored for his work as condo association president. Madness swirls around them, with major battles breaking out over who swiped the Scotch tape, Jerry accepting Jack Klompus' astronaut pen, Jack writing Morty a check for $19.45 to pay for dinner, and why Jack didn't take any sponge cake, despite the fact that "I... love... sponge cake!" as actor Sandy Baron said in his unique cadence.

Meanwhile, the condo is hot as hell, but Helen Seinfeld doesn't feel it. And Elaine, who went with Jerry to go scuba diving, has to stay in the condo because she hurts her back on an extremely uncomfortable sofa bed. Jerry goes diving and the capillaries around his eyes burst, leading him to tell Jack that he "got in a fist fight with one of the old ladies at the pool."

On to the "awards":

Best Line: A tie! At the dinner, Uncle Leo's wife Stella (or "STELLLLAAAAA!" as a drugged-up Elaine would say it) says to Helen, "You know I'm missing Golden Girls for this." Helen politely laughs and then says as soon as Stella walks out of earshot, "I hate her like poison."
The other great line: Morty sleeps on the sofa bed and is bent over in pain. He looks at the guy who's treating Elaine's back and asks who he is. "The chiropractor," the doctor says. "Are you kidding me?" replies Morty.
Best Facial Expression: The hopeful look on the face of a crippled, sweaty Elaine when Jerry offers to go to a hotel.
Best Kramerism: None, because Kramer wasn't in this episode (neither was George; more on this below).

Observations and DVD tidbits:

• The fifth episode filmed in Season Three, but the third one that aired (according to the notes, only two weeks after it was shot!).
• This is one of the few Season Three episodes that had a DVD commentary track from Jerry and Larry. They didn't say much, but they did laugh a lot. They both said that they really loved the writing on this episode, and that the rhythm of the dialogue is so much quicker and better than it was in earlier seasons. I tend to agree with them; this is the first episode that really captured the ping-pong cadence that dominated Seinfeld for the rest of the run.
• The way Morty gave Jerry directions reminds me of every older relative who's ever given me directions: very specific and descriptive, passionately delivered, but ultimately useless. No one can say the word "abutment" quite like Barney Martin.
• When Jason Alexander learned he wasn't in the episode, he went to Larry David and told him that if in the future Larry felt that there was no room for even one George line in an episode, then George should be written off the show permanently. Jason loved the character so much, I could see where he was coming from, but I wonder how that meeting really went down. Was it polite, like Jason explained it on the DVD, or was there a lot of yelling and screaming? Either way, this is probably why most episodes written after this one had plotlines for all four main actors.
• Ann Guilbert, who played neighbor Evelyn, is probably better known for playing the Petries' neighbor Millie on The Dick Van Dyke Show or for playing Fran's grandmother Yetta on The Nanny.
• The pen incident stemmed from when Larry admired an astronaut pen that belonged to Jerry's manager (and show executive producer) George Shapiro, and George gave it to him. Larry was so wracked with guilt he tried to give it back.

The DVD commentary on the episode ends with Jerry and Larry agreeing that this was one of their top five favorite episodes. It's definitely in my top five, so I'm glad to see that the tastes of the show's brain trust dovetail with mine. It's a classic that I'll never get tired of watching.