The Daily Show: June 22, 2006

"Going Going Ghana": Sad news for American soccer fans... America won't be advancing to the next level in the World Cup because of a loss to Ghana. However, Australia, "the drunken us", will move on. Before the game, Ghana's fans cheerfully supported their team in broken English, whereas America's fans happily rooted for their team in really, really poor English. Jon raised a Yellow Card to the man in the video clip for inappropriate use of the word "Awesome". He then proceeded to throw a Red Card for an obnoxious "USA! WHOOO!". Jon mused that it'd be cool to have Red Cards to use in real life. "No. Dude. That was my sister. That is uncool" and pull the Red Card out of your jacket pocket.

"Judgment at Nuremberg": So, America was the only team that traveled anonymously. Wow. Has it really gotten that bad? Iran didn't even do that (in fact, they drove around in a fully-decorated missile bus with their flag on the side). TDS then ran a montage of the triumphs and agonies of the 2006 World Cup (clips from RoboCup, Ladybugs, Shaolin Soccer, Soccer Dog: The Movie, and... Karate Kid?).

"Bad Pit": Last week, 80 tons of toxic coal tar fell into the Dasha River in China. "That better not be the 80 tons of coal tar I ordered!" Jason Jones filed a report on America's own pool of toxic waste, Berkeley Pit in Butte (pronounced "Beaute", not "Butt"). The Chamber of Commerce in that town decided to start charging money to visit the pit, turning the largest contaminated body of water in the US into a tourist attraction. They've "taken lemons and turned them into... something that if you drank, could kill you." Some actually looked through the water and found some micro-organisms. They think these tiny things might hold the key to curing diseases like cancer. Jones then asked something along the lines of, "So... it causes cancer and cures it?". To save his dear Nana from cancer, he donned a full bodysuit and threw her in, wheelchair and all. God, that final moment was funny.

The night's guest was Adam Sandler, star of the new film Click. He came out looking something like Billy Madison: cap on his head, bright green tee, red and white shirt. He said that he got the clothing at Urban Outfitters (where they didn't let him use the bathroom, according to his story). He and Jon discussed fatherhood ("My kids could totally kick your kid's ass," Jon said of Adam's six week-old) and how relieved Adam is to have a girl so that he won't have to worry about his kid getting beat up. Then, they talked about Adam's hot abs from his Remote Control period and Jon's great legs from his soccer days (Jon explained, "Most Jews have half of a physical body").

This interview started surprisingly early but ran the normal length. Don't know why they switched up the format like this, but they threw in a different segment after the interview (and it wasn't like they had an extra report from a different day that didn't air... Jon was wearing the same tie). Anyway, Stephen Hawking recently visited Beijing, China to talk to some students. There, he revealed, "I like Chinese culture, Chinese food, and, above all, Chinese women." Jon then rolled some extra footage of Hawking working his charms ("I'd like to give you a brief history of the contents of my pants"). Haha! What?! Hawking's into Chinese ladies? And speaking from personal experience as a Chinese female... it's aaalways the ones into Science.

Jon/Stephen: "Jon? Jon Stewart?! How the hell are you, buddy? You look great! God... how long's it been, man? You still with that girl? That's the one. She's a keeper. And are you still at -- What's it called? The Daily Show? I hear good things. What time's it on?" Moment of Zen: Soccer in Thailand, elephant vs. man style.