The Daily Show: July 12, 2006

Occasionally, I like to make fun of people that say "Internets" or "Interweb" in a non-ironic manner. However, I don't think I've ever heard anything quite as ridiculous as Senator Ted Steven's explanation of what the Internet is... "The Internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes." Oh, and I like this one... "I, just the other day, got an Internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?" Well, Jon Stewart knew why, answering, "Maybe it's because he doesn't know jack shit about computers or the Internet." Ignorance is hilarity. Ted Steven's speech is worth a read.

"Party Pooper": After tackling oh-so-evil issues like gay marriage and flag-burning, Congress has decided to take on online gambling as well. The big "oh noes!" comes from the idea that people can now gamble anywhere they want, even their bathrooms. Heh. The funny thing is that they're proposing a ban on online gambling, but said ban would not include horse racing and interstate lotteries. Using Ted Steven's brain, Jon explained why this is so... See, the Internet is a series of tubes (haha, they used the pipe screensaver as a graphic). Since race horses have legs, they can easily move through the tubes. However, poker chips stack up and often clog the Internet, preventing users from getting important pornography, Ebay purchases, and mortgage offers. The only way to clear clogs like this is to blast a lottery ball through the tube. Brilliant!

"There Goes The Gayborhood": Ed Helms filed a hysterical report about a man that moved his family to the gayest neighborhood in the gayest city ever and had the balls to complain about it. The man, Jeremy, is annoyed with the overall gayness of Castro. During the interview, I noticed that the bookshelf behind Jeremy's head held The Daily Show's America: The Book. Haha, if it belonged to Jeremy, then he should have known what he was getting in to. Anyway, Ed said that he sympathized with Jeremy because he recently moved near LaGuardia airport and has been complaining about the noise. To try and help Jeremy, Ed visited a local sex shop to try and convince to owner to make the store a little more family-friendly by adding some stuffed animals here and there. "What is a gay man going to do with a little pink pony?" the store owner asked. "... Couldn't this be placed in someone's asshole?" Ed then wondered. Ed then proceeded to demonstrate how one can use a large black dildo as a light saber (complete with sound effects). In the end, it looked like Castro won't be doing much to change its ways to please Jeremy. Jeremy's here, he's not queer, and it's really unclear why he's here. Haha, this segment had me laughing all the way. Hurrah for Ed Helms!

"Indecision 2006 -- No-mentum": I love that Jon's impression of Joe Lieberman sounds exactly like Droopy Dog. And Ned Lamont's "So do we!" ads creeped me out too. Good lord. There was a really creepy list about Rick Santorum "facts"... One was that if you Google "santorum" you find a website about a substance that you probably never even knew existed. I made the mistake of Googling it and, let me just say, Ed could have used it in his "Gayborhood" report. Aaaand now, I'm sure half of you are going to Google it. I'll save you the trouble and link directly to the search.

The night's guest was Shawn Wayans from the terribly creepy-looking Little Man.

Jon/Stephen: No Stephen Colbert check-in because he was at an orphanage saving some sick children. Or on Conan O'Brien's show doing an interview. Probably the latter. Moment of Zen: Barney Frank's got a point. If Congress outlawed everything that college students abused, adults would sit around all day and do nothing.