The Daily Show: July 18, 2006

Since the media still seems to be clinging on to the pointless controversy of Bush using the word "shit" at the G8 Summit, Jon had to talk about it too. Yeah, yeah. Bush wasn't exactly exercising the best etiquette. He was using foul language, talking with his mouth open, and if the camera had panned down, we would have seen that he was scratching, if not his balls, then the area between his anus and his balls.

What most people don't know about is what happened at the pre-summit meeting. There's some choppy video available that shows Bush greeting people and then making a stop to give the chancellor of Germany ("The Girl") a quick neck rub. What's funny is the look on her face as he did so. She reacted by thrusting her arms upward, disengaging Bush. Yes. She used a move she learned in date rape prevention class.

"Crisis in Israfghyianonanaq": There's more trouble in Beirut, more Hezbollah crap, and people are dying everywhere. "Sometimes the comedy just writes itself," Jon said with a nervous laugh. Israeli leaflets have been raining down on the Lebanese. The papers have a cartoon of the Hezbollah chief as a cobra. "What a great idea! Because if there's anything that calms the Arab world down, it's a cartoon!"

"Load of Ship": As for American safety, a charter cruise ship was sent to collect thousands of Americans from Beirut, in fear of more attacks. Senior Jerusalem Correspondent Dan Bakkedahl reported from the deck of the Orient Queen. He had sunscreen on, a straw hat, and was happily dancing away. Evacuating is awesome! And don't worry, the cruise ship wasn't alone. The Bicardi party boat did its part.

With all this crazy stuff going down, CNN has been running the phrase "Mideast: Brink of War?" for the past few days. What's with the question mark?! What is it going to take to drop it?! Finally, Anderson Cooper had the balls to change it to "Middle East: On the Brink". Well. We're still on the brink, but at least we don't have a question mark anymore. FOX News, on the other hand, was more concerned with how the violence will affect us in the States. "All this carnage in the region we perhaps helped destabilize... How is it affecting us?" Do we feel it in our hearts? Our minds? No. Just at the pump. Through some handy graphics, Jon showed that the closer you drive to a gas pump, the more you'll feel it. "Sometimes... when it's quiet... you can hear the pumps screaming."

The night's guest was M. Night Shyamalan, writer and director of Lady in the Water. Jon did a really weird breathy thing trying to pronounce "Shyamalan", haha. The man himself looked really slick in his suit and French cuffs. When he sat down, he was slightly off his mark and Jon forcibly moved him so that he was sitting right where a guest is supposed to. That's right, Jon! You put him in his place! Anyway, the two of them had a discussion about fame and Shyamalan's famous twist endings (he likes to call them "paradigm shifts"). Shyamalan also explained that he's not constantly haunted by demons in his dreams or anything crazy like that. But when he said that Lady in the Water was a fairy tale he used to tell his children, Jon remarked, "You may not be haunted by dreams... but I bet your kids are fucking terrified."

Jon/Stephen: In honor of the night's guest, Stephen Colbert pulled a crazy twist ending to his preview... "Now, back to you... CONAN!" Well, originally, he was supposed to turn out to be a ghost, but it tested poorly. Moment of Zen: Bush gives the chancellor of Germany a neck rub... to pooorn music. Bow-chicka-ow-wow.