The Five: Life lessons learned from AFV
5. If there's a bat, someone is going to get hit in the nuts. It can be a baseball bat or a whiffle bat. And it doesn't matter whether a kid or an adult is swinging it, bats always target the groin area. Other telltale signs someone will get hit in the nuts include a golf club, a pinata, a ball, and a father wrestling with his young child. And if you are lucky enough to avoid the swipe to the groin, no doubt the ball will hit you in the face.
4. The rope is never strong enough to hold you. How light do you think you are? You're hiking in the woods and you come across an old rope swing near a pond... what do you do? Avid AFV fans know not to swing on it, especially if there's a video camera anywhere in the vicinity. Yet, other people suddenly go braindead when they see a rope swing and they must latch on and fly through the air and, once the swinger reaches the highest possible point in the air, the rope snaps and they land with a thud on the ground.
3. You can't land that jump. Amateur skateboarders, snowboarders, skiiers, bicyclists, roller bladers, bikers and snowmobilers should watch AFV and pay especially close attention to the sports segments. Anyone from a skinny skateboarder to a beer-bellied, 45-year-old man will crash hard onto the ground if they attempt to fly off a makeshift jump. But only when a video camera is rolling.
2. If you're moving at a high rate of speed, you will run into something. Riding down a hill on a couch? Sledding on an inner tube with your sister? Oh, you're gonna crash. And you're probably not the only one who's going to get hurt. When you hurtle through the air after slamming into a large, conspicuous inanimate object, odds are you will land on a dog, a friend, a kid, or the person holding the video camera.
1. A styrofoam airplane will hit you in the ass. Why are people still spending money on these things? Styrofoam airplanes do one thing: hit people in the ass. You may think that aiming it straight over your lawn will result in a long, graceful flight, but instead that plane will corkscrew around over your head and stick its nose right up your ass. And you'll yelp! And the person holding the video camera will say (with a Southern accent), "Let's send that to funniest videos!"