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December 21, 2014

The Five: Life lessons learned from AFV

by Anna Johns, posted Sep 10th 2006 6:59PM
afvThis is season 16 of America's Funniest Home Videos and I can't believe it still makes me laugh. And, we've been laughing at pretty much the same things for years, haven't we? We humans are pretty stupid since the same stuff keeps happening to everyone all over the country and people keep recording it and sending it to ABC to show the rest of America how stupid they are. Here are The Five: Life lessons learned from America's Funniest Home Videos.

5. If there's a bat, someone is going to get hit in the nuts. It can be a baseball bat or a whiffle bat. And it doesn't matter whether a kid or an adult is swinging it, bats always target the groin area. Other telltale signs someone will get hit in the nuts include a golf club, a pinata, a ball, and a father wrestling with his young child. And if you are lucky enough to avoid the swipe to the groin, no doubt the ball will hit you in the face.

4. The rope is never strong enough to hold you. How light do you think you are? You're hiking in the woods and you come across an old rope swing near a pond... what do you do? Avid AFV fans know not to swing on it, especially if there's a video camera anywhere in the vicinity. Yet, other people suddenly go braindead when they see a rope swing and they must latch on and fly through the air and, once the swinger reaches the highest possible point in the air, the rope snaps and they land with a thud on the ground.

3. You can't land that jump. Amateur skateboarders, snowboarders, skiiers, bicyclists, roller bladers, bikers and snowmobilers should watch AFV and pay especially close attention to the sports segments. Anyone from a skinny skateboarder to a beer-bellied, 45-year-old man will crash hard onto the ground if they attempt to fly off a makeshift jump. But only when a video camera is rolling.

2. If you're moving at a high rate of speed, you will run into something. Riding down a hill on a couch? Sledding on an inner tube with your sister? Oh, you're gonna crash. And you're probably not the only one who's going to get hurt. When you hurtle through the air after slamming into a large, conspicuous inanimate object, odds are you will land on a dog, a friend, a kid, or the person holding the video camera.

1. A styrofoam airplane will hit you in the ass. Why are people still spending money on these things? Styrofoam airplanes do one thing: hit people in the ass. You may think that aiming it straight over your lawn will result in a long, graceful flight, but instead that plane will corkscrew around over your head and stick its nose right up your ass. And you'll yelp! And the person holding the video camera will say (with a Southern accent), "Let's send that to funniest videos!"

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MosquitoControl

The funny videos never win. The worst ones take the prizes.


I suggest we do away with this show, but instead create two new channels.
Channel A can be simply people getting hit in the nuts. Over and over and over. Much like the Fart channel in Idiocracy, I expect high ratings.
Channel B can simply be cats falling off of TV sets. Honestly, I'd watch this more than 99% of sitcoms. Leave me time for the occasional episode of The Office or Earl. Maybe. If those aren't technically sitcoms, then this manages to be funnier than all sitcoms currently airing.

September 11 2006 at 1:46 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Mr. Mike

The only thing I dont like about this show would be the videos that are so obviously set up

September 11 2006 at 1:01 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
RevJonathan

You're forgetting- If you ever suck up to AFV with a video about AFV, you will lose and no one will laugh, but you will get on TV.

September 10 2006 at 9:00 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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