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September 4, 2015

The Five: Random television thoughts

by Richard Keller, posted Sep 15th 2006 11:05AM

The large headed Dora the ExplorerIn the free time I have between watching TV, reviewing TV shows, previewing upcoming shows on DVD, and posting articles about television in general, my thoughts tend to wander . . . to television. And women (because, you know, I'm a man and men are pigs). During these wanderings I've come to question a few things about what we see on the magic picture box that I can't seem to find any answers for. So, I come to you, the smart and beautiful readers of TV Squad, for answers to five of the queries that have come to mind.

1. How can Dora the Explorer walk upright with such a huge head? Have you ever seen a picture of her? Her oval-shaped head is enormous! I'm surprised that it doesn't wobble uncontrollably like a bobble-head doll. I guess the reason she wears that talking backpack all of the time is for ballast. If she doesn't wear it she probably ends up toppling over to one side or the other.

Robbie Rotten2. Is Robbie Rotten really the laziest citizen in Lazytown? If you have young children you've probably watched the same episodes of Nickelodeon's Lazytown over and over again as I have done. After several repeat viewings I've come to realize that Robbie Rotten, the, um, rottenest citizen of Lazytown, is not really the laziest person in the town at all. With his constant costume changes, plots to make the children of the town fat and lazy, and insidious plans to rid the world of resident superhero Sportacus, Robbie is, in fact, the most active person on the show. No wonder he's so tired all of the time!

Jerry Springer -- one fight too many3. Why is The Jerry Springer Show still on the air? Is anyone watching this show anymore, because it seems like its fifteen minutes of fame is way over. I catch glimpses of it while getting ready for work (which brings up another question: what the hell is The Jerry Springer Show doing on at 8:00 AM when kids trying to find Sesame Street can accidentally watch half-naked women fighting with their cheating boyfriends?). Every time I do catch it I seem to land on the same spot in the show: jilted boyfriend/girlfriend (fully or partially clothed) fights with cheating boyfriend/girlfriend/transgender/midget. We've watched it so much now it's beginning to feel as fake as professional wrestling. Jerry, you've had a good run, but I think it's time to make way for a new generation of hosts who will be willing to interview lesbian vampires who are into transvestite amputees.

No shirt, no pants, get arrested4. Why is every guy arrested on Cops shirtless? And sometimes pant-less as well (see photo). I'm sure I've seen a few episodes where the 'perps' are wearing nothing but their boxers and a scowl on their face. Oh, by the way, this whole shirtless thing doesn't happen just in the temperate climates of these United States. They go shirtless in places where winter lasts from late October until early May. Maybe these guys commit crimes because they're always so cold.

And, finally . . .

Season Three cast of Lost5. How many actors actually appear on Lost? Well, there are the original survivors of the crash, the survivors living on the other side of the island, and all of the people that we see in the flashback scenes that are prominent on the series. So, I'm guessing there are about two thousand actors on the show. How the network makes money on the program is beyond me!

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Jeff Albertson

I can't stand Dora becasue she yells everything. I thought her head was bad until I saw the newer version of Strawberry Shortcake (http://www.strawberryshortcake.com/) - whoa, their necks must be in constant pain.

September 18 2006 at 10:49 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Rich Keller

Yes, it does explode. Please shield yourself.

September 15 2006 at 1:40 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Does this website explode if you don't regularly post something on it?

September 15 2006 at 11:31 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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