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The Five: Signs I'm getting too old for The Real World
The Real World entered its 18th season last week with an extra-slutty, Denver-based debut. Over the years, The Real World has grown more codified, silly and porny. Its stars are extremely aware of the camera and the show's conventions. They know that a spectacular run could result in thousands of dollars in post-Real World, Gauntlet engagements. As the show grows older, so do I. I'm keenly aware of my inner curmudgeon. I grouse whenever I hear text messaging abbreviations used in face-to-face conversations. I scoff when yet another YouTube star is born, and I hold my head in disgrace for America's youth every time I watch The Real World. The Denver debut threw me for a real loop with these five "you've got to be kidding me" moments:
1. A man is not desirable when he has "Hey!" tattooed above his hip bone.
ASU "hottie" Alex scored with both former Raiderette Jenn and newly-graduated Colie within his first few days at the house. The cranky, old lady in me says, "Girls, you don't give it up to a guy who has a bubble letter exclamation tattooed anywhere on his body." Then again, we are talking about Jenn - "I want to get lips tattooed on my ass."
2. "Making out" is not a "hobby."
Colie gave this gem to the camera, "I just love making out. It's one of my hobbies. I'm good at it. I'm not good at baseball, but I'm good at kissing." Colie, making potholders is a hobby. Stamp collecting is a hobby. Making out is not a hobby.
3. The black guy thinks he has a chance with the white girls.
First of all, two black guys. Whoa! MTV, you're blowing my mind. I've been programmed over 18 seasons of Real World to expect no more than one person of color per gender. Does not compute. Second, Tyrie thinks he may have a chance of slipping in when Brooke makes out with Jenn in the hot tub. That is so sweet and so naive. There's only one player getting any head in this household, and it's the one straight, white guy. Heck, from the promos, it even looks like the gay guy may get some before a brother.
4. Stephen thinks it's "wrong" that Davis is gay.
Oh, Stephen, you're so young and so hopped on your precious version of Christianity. Don't you know that there's always a gay guy on The Real World? Brooke did. She wasn't giving up until she was able to fulfill her lifelong fag hag fantasies. At least, the uber-Christians this season are a gay guy and a Republican Howard student instead of the stereotypical redneck.
5. Don't turn on the oven when you're drunk.
Baking that pizza almost blew Jenn and Alex's tryst behind Colie's back. Notice that the producers thought to give the kids a "guest room" this season for maximum humpification. It's too bad, however, that after 18 seasons - including the truly debacherous Las Vegas annals - the kids still haven't learned that binge drinking and boinking will always end in tears.
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