(To "We Three Kings") - We Two-And-A Half Men
We three men of Malibu are
Co-existing, keeping on par
Psycho women, meddling mother
How to keep them afar?

Oh...

One's a playboy, one's a nerd
One seems dumb when he says a word
Always bick'ring and nitpicking
Always amusing with this herd

(To "Deck The Halls")

Fill that 'burb with desperate housewives
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
'Tis the place to complicate your lives
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
All looks clean, nary a stain
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
That is life on Wisteria Lane
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

"A Tv Lover's Rant" or "What's This?" - from Nightmare Before Christmas

What's this? What's this?
There's new shows on this fall
What's this?
There's too many to see all
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
The channels must be teeming
Wake up, Execs and clear the air
What's this?

NBC and FOX
There's something quite grim
FX, CW and CBS
They're simply filled to the brim
What's this?
The nights are lined with
Sitcoms that are lacking
And dramas that are crappy
Mediocre and a bit daffy?
What is this?
What's this?

There's Vanished and Smith
Instead of decent savoir faire
They finally cancelled Arrested
And absolutely no one cared

Let down by one hour dramas
Oh, I can't believe my eyes
From Bones to Law and Order
And too many CSI's

Oh, look
What's this?
They're canceling the Nine, of course
It was on the decline, too slow
But what will we watch after Day Break?
Oh wait, nevermind
What's this?

What's this?
A familiar trick up the sleeve, how queer
They're breaking up the seasons
And why?

They're spreading them across the year
They've got a few there and a few more here
And there's a hiatus for everyone
So, now, correct me if I'm wrong
This isn't fun
This isn't fun
Oh, could it be an exec's devilish wish?
What's this?

Oh my, what now?
Our favorite shows they have come back
But look, there's something that they lack
No answers, no sparks here to shock us and delight us
Or ensnare us, only disappointing writing
Lazy and demeaning
What's this?

The passion is all missing
And the special spirit of TV can't be found
And in its place there seems to be
A lot more game shows all around

Instead of a decent Lost I swear
We all got screwed along somewhere
The smell of loopholes and plot twists
Seem to be everywhere

The ups, the downs
They're everywhere and all around
I've never felt more disillusioned
Wait a minute now, hold on, hold up
This show I see is good enough

On NBC, I do believe
Or do my eyes begin to deceive?
I've got to know
I've got to know
What is this show that I have found?
What is this?

Heroes? Hmm...

"November Sweeps"
to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"

Just wanna grab that remote,
And see what's on the tube
Come on, it's November sweeps
Crazy things are gonna happen, too

Maybe someone is dying
And the others go "Boo hoo,"
Or just a good ol' cliffhanger
Until episodes return, will do.

Wanna see, wanna see, wanna see,
The show, get real dramatic,
Things better get even more exciting.
Better be, better be, better be
Great plot, the hour should be electric,
I'm focused on this story with
The hope it's ending's gonna be grand.

Our eyes are glued and our
Butts are getting comfy
We're chewing our nails, staring
In silence of what's going to be
The stakes have risen drastically
Because it's November sweeps
Yes, it's November sweeps and
That'll tie me over til' January.

"DVD on TV"
to the tune of "Jingle Bells"

Watching my favorite show
On a brand-new DVD
I can't wait to know
What's next that I will see
I don't have to wait
For another week
I'll finish this one, press "Play"
And another one's there for me

Oh, DVD, DVD
TV on DVD
Oh, I get to watch it all
Without waiting for weeks
Oh, DVD, DVD
TV on DVD
Oh, I get to watch it all,
And I'm doing it legally

"HBO is with your Cable"
to the tune of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town"

Don't gotta look far,
Don't gotta pay high,
To see great shows,
I'm telling you why:
HBO is with your cable.

There's The Sopranos
And, of course, The Wire,
You'll be rushin'
Home like there's a fire.
HBO is with your cable.

It's got daring original shows,
That put the networks to shame,
And if you get too addicted,
You've got HBO to blame.

Don't gotta look far,
Don't gotta pay high,
To see great shows,
I'm telling you why:
HBO is with your cable.

The Official Unofficial Festivus Song
to the tune of "Carol of the Bells"

Note: The final line, sing like "ding-dong, ding-dong, ding...dong."

Here's Festivus,
Thanks to Frank Cos',
It opens wounds
in living rooms

The 23rd,
Pole of Alum',
the Feats of Strength,
Kramer loves 'em

After dinner,
airing of grieve',
let us all know,
what makes you seethe,

George does hate it,
Kramer loves it,
A Festivus,
for rest of us

Happy, happy, happy Fest-ivus,
happy, happy, happy Fest-ivus,
Aluminum
pole is with them,
a hateful tone in every home
George-You Are-A Disgrace

To the tune of Oh Holy Night (kinda tricky because the music is not so repetitive):

Oh Thursday night! The shows are clearly clashing,
It's the night with the best shows on earth.
Grey's, Scrubs, CSI, I cannot go on choosing
To me, they are all of equal worth.
To pick just one, it's one of Sophie's Choices
For each I watch, I have two more to mourn.

Fall on you knees
Oh hear the flamer's voices!
Tivo divine
To no longer be torn.

"Diagnosis Don't Be Late" sung to the tune of "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)"

All right you Houseketeers! Ready for differentials?
-I'll say we are!
-Yeah!
-Let's list the symptoms!
Okay, Chase?
-Okay!
Okay, Cameron?
-Okay!
Okay, Foreman? Foreman? FOREMAN!
-OKAY!

Diagnosis, diagnosis, soon we'll make
After our guesses and commercial breaks.
We've been wrong, but that can't last
Hurry diagnosis, hurry fast.
Want an MRI or a CAT scan next?
Me, I want a lupus test!
Look at the clock, it's nine forty-eight
Diagnosis, don't be late.

Okay doctors, get ready.
That was very good, Chase.
-Of course.
Very good Cameron.
-Ahhh.
Oh, Foreman, you're wrong, it's never lupus.
Foreman. Foreman. FOREMAN!
-OKAY!

Want to see if House knows best?
I still want a lupus test!
Look at the clock, it's nine forty-eight
Diagnosis, don't be late!
Look at the clock, it's nine forty-eight
Diagnosis, don't be late!

"Sweet Carmela"
To the tune of "Tiny Dancer"

Hairspray baby, Jersey lady, by my side while on the lam
long nails, like manicured tails, she married a mob man
Carmela, I, not Furio, am her one and only man
And now she's with me, always with me, sitting beside my bed

Shot by Uncle Jun'
His mind is a little off
Looking back, she just scoffs
Realizing we're made for each other

Silvio man makes his stand
as substitute acting boss
But asthma gets to him, yeah
Vito and Paul', they give some cash

After the thing on the boat
Lying like a cheating goat
She still stays 'cause she needs me
While I dream I'm Finnerty

Hold me closer, sweet Carmela
Reminisce about Tom Petty
I ask, "Where am I going?"
you say, "I'll just be okay"