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August 31, 2015

All Julia wants for Festivus

by Julia Ward, posted Dec 12th 2006 1:02PM
Xzibit Pimp My RideWow - an invitation to list all of my TV-related wishes for the coming year. This is just like sitting on Santa's lap except without the horrible awkwardness and guilt. When I was a kid, I felt like I had to ask for world peace instead of a bike. That's what happens when you grow up Catholic. It was selfish to have "wants" and worse to state them aloud.

This would explain why it was such an unprecedented joy for me to spend time reveling in the frivolity of my own TV desires this holiday season. I have been given a momentary, guilt-free license to indulge. And, I pass that license on to you. Feel free to offer up your own television wishes in the comments section. I couldn't recommend it to the recovering Catholic portion of our readership more.

Geek love - Betty and Henry together 4eva. Wanting something to happen in TV Land is a curse because the best writers know that you should give people what they want just so you can take it away. As in, you want Willow and Tara to get back together? Great. Done. Oops, she's dead. You want Jim to admit his love to Pam? There, he admitted it. Oops, now, he's moving to Stamford. Betty and Henry on Ugly Betty have already had a moment in which they recognized their mutual attraction, but that bliss was snatched from us by a drunk, lingerie model. So, yeah, I really, really want Betty and Henry to get together, but I'm so afraid of what that might mean for my little heart.

Project Runway's shooting schedule. Producers get your act together. Don't even THINK about doing a season of Project Runway without Tim Gunn.

Back from the dead? I would be most joyful this Festivus season if Peter on Weeds weren't dead. I love Martin Donovan because of his Hal Hartley filmography, but the real reason for my wish is a dramatic one. It's just too easy for Nancy not to have to deal with how her emotional mess of a life is effecting other people. She lied to Peter. She broke his heart. She manipulated him, and with his violent death, she gets a pass on all of that? I hope not.

Pam and Jim together 4eva. Yes, I am resolutely on Team Pam. Let me be clear, however, that I have no problem with where The Office has gone. It all makes emotional sense - the move, Karen, Pam's newfound independence. It's all great just like, on Buffy, I could deal with Spike, the break-up, the cookie dough. Yet, Buffy and Angel were, in my heart, destined - just like Jim and Pam. And, this time, I'd like to see Pam do the heavy-lifting by declaring her love for Jim. It's only fair.

Larry Sanders on DVD. Where are the other six seasons of Larry Sanders? Chop chop. Next year's Festivus is right around the corner.

Tim Minear's Drive. Should Tim Minear's latest series Drive, debuting next year, fail, I would like it to fail on its own terms. I can't take seeing another Minear outing fail because the network didn't advertise it, because it got a shitty time slot, etc. This man's work is gold. Fox, please treat it as such.

The decline of Dane Cook. Nothing against the guy personally, but was Tourgasm, the series, really necessary? And, now, he has a scripted series in development at HBO, too. Let's just dial the Superfinger down from 11 to a 6 or something.

For the love of Milch. I want the Deadwood movies to kick so much ass that they make me forgive HBO for cutting the series short.

A simple request. If you think the boys at GAS can handle something a teeny bit more understated, Xzibit, will you pimp my ride?

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Julia, I'm not a recovering Catholic, but an active one, although I've never been bothered with any undue guilt so maybe some of it never "took" with me. And don't worry Tucker, I'm also not one of those "you'd better repent and save your heathen self" types either. I'm more of a live-and-let-live kind of Catholic, and yes most of us are like that, you just only hear from the few, loudmouthed, holier-than-thou fools that make it seem like all religious people are close-minded zealots.

Now that my disclaimer is out of the way, my Festivus wish is single and simple:


Oh, wait, I'm a liar (See? Bad Catholic!). I, too, want a-la-carte cable so I can remove all those useless channels. I'd do away with the shopping, religious, so-called-music, spanish language, c-span(s) and sports channels. I guess I'd be left with 5-10 channels, but knowing cable companies, the "roll your own" method would probably cost me more for 10 channels I do watch rather than 100 channels I don't.

December 13 2006 at 2:30 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I guess my "Festivus" wishes would be:

Move ER from NBC to FX. Wouldn't that be cool?

I wish the networks would quit screwing up my DVR by scheduling shows from 9:00pm to 10:01pm, etc. I'm not sure if they're actually trying to screw up DVR scheduling or if they're attempting to get viewers to stick with the same channel. Whatever their intent, it pisses me off.

Stop showing commercials at the same time on networks and cable TV channels. I like to "flip out" of the commercials but they're all on at the same damn time. USA is on a different schedule, if anyone's interested.

Stop with the banners across the bottom of the screen telling me what I'm watching and what's comming up. Most of us have digital cable - we know what we're watching and we know what's comming up.

December 12 2006 at 6:13 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I'll second the AlaCarte cable service. Give me History, Discovery, The Science Channel, and the Military Channel. Toss in Cinemax instead of HBO so I don't have Series programming or Sports. Delete everything else from my cable system.

Oh, and move Pimp My Truck, currently on CMT, to the Discovery Channel so I can actually watch it.

December 12 2006 at 4:08 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Amen to the Deadwood Movies..... and speaking of, what I would *want* is closure to Carnivale. *sigh*

December 12 2006 at 2:42 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Oh, here we go, way to bring on the "repent and accept jesus and your heathen ass will be saved" comments - one of the things *I'd* like for festivus is to add per-channel subscription options to my cable so I can drop worthless channels like the religious ones ;)

December 12 2006 at 2:38 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I don't know how many people are with me on this one. but if I had one TV-related wish for Christmas...er, Festivus, it would be for Third Watch to finally come out on DVD in the US.

December 12 2006 at 2:24 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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