Festivus Retro Squad: Frosty the Snowman
For the past few weeks now, I've seen the Frosty the Snowman Christmas special about ... oh ... fifty-seven times. No, it's not because I'm a big sucker for holiday specials (though I am). And no, it's not because I have an unhealthy attraction to strange American-looking, anime-like holiday cartoons (I know that sounds weird). It's because I've gone and introduced this Christmas classic to my two-year old son, and now I've gone and done it.
My son Owen is now a Frosty junkie.
So, seeing as my son is becoming much more of an expert at the show than I am, I thought maybe he should review it for you, with some translation from me of course. Let's take it scene by scene, shall we?
Owen: (Singing) "Frosty Snowman!"
Like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman was first a song sung by Gene Autry, later made into a story. One thing I never got, though, was the attraction to Jimmy Durante as a singer. He doesn't sound any better than someone's gruff granpa would sound belting out a ditty.
Holy sh... I mean... he can hear me!?
Kids in school
Owen: (laughing) "Man! Hat! Bunny! Hokus!"
Ah, he means Professor Hinkle and his rabbit, Hokus Pokus. There's a scene here where the kids are laughing, and it looks very anime-like. You know, closed eyes, barely moving their mouths. Something cool: these are the same folks who brought us the animated Hobbit!
Kids running outside
Owen: (laughing) "No pants!"
Er, did kids not wear pants in the winter in the 60s?
Frosty being made
Owen: "Happy Birthday."
Yeah, this is something that, even after all 57 viewings, I appreciate as rather unique. Who thought up having Frosty say "happy birthday" when he came to life? But what's stranger, why is he saying happy birthday to the kids, as if it's *their* birthday? Go Frosty, it's your birthday!
Owen: (laughing) "Daddy."
He *can* hear me!
Frosty heads out of town
Owen: "Train! Train!"
What is it with kids and trains? Anyway, Frosty's not around all that long before he says it's too hot out for him. I guess now it makes sense why the kids are wearing shorts. Hey, warm weather and snow makes for awesome snowmen (especially ones that can stand on two separate legs!) Classic line here: "No money, no ticket!" Oh and Owen, since you can hear me -- yes, we would miss you if you hopped on a train to the North pole on Christmas Eve.
Professor Hinkle's incredible breath
Owen: (blowing into the air)
Er, yeah. Somehow the professor can put out a campfire by simply blowing on it. I'm not sure why I'm obsessing over that when it was a deer, some squirrels and birds that just built the thing.
I've got nothing really to add here. Frosty really is the fastest belly whopper in the whole world. The dude can slide *uphill*!
Professor Hinkle catches up
Owen: (pointing) "Closed the door!"
This is really the only thing you could say is bad for kids, though Owen doesn't really get it yet. There's Frosty. The door closes. There's a puddle with a girl crying over it. Much, much better than her crying over a morbid corpse.
Owen: (Dancing) "Frosty Snowman!"
Holy hell, I'm getting dizzy. What's in that pipe Frosty's smoking? What were these guys on when they wrote this? Who made this scene?! Owen, are you having seizures or are you dancing? Look away!
Owen: "On roof!"
Yeah Owen ... um ... there's a door on the roof. Not our roof, but her roof. She'll get inside. I think.
If you mean Frosty Returns, no feakin' way. Blaspheme! I'm going to forget that so-called sequel ever existed and just replay this show for the 58th time.