American Idol: Minneapolis Auditions (season premiere)

Ten thousand people showed up in Minneapolis. So did Jewel -- to guest-judge and get in a quick promo for her new album, Goodbye Alice in Wonderland.

JEWEL-WANNABE: Jessica Rhode (21) was first up tonight. Besides being a pretty blonde, who works at the Mall of America, she also proclaimed herself a HUGE fan of Jewel's. Then she sang one of Jewel's songs, which was slightly uncomfortable for all, including me. Simon was honest, but not cruel. It was early and he must have been in a good mood. Then again, Simon often sugarcoats his criticism for the "purty girls." Still, it's a no.

THE FIRST CRAZY: Troy Benham (24) had the honor of being our very first "crazy" audition of the year. The scraggly-bearded man wearing a suit, hat, and sunglasses sang something poorly, causing Randy to ask: "Have you ever watched American Idol?" Troy admitted that he hadn't. Another no.

THE RAMBLER: Jesse Holloway (19) walked in next, rambling incoherently and comparing himself to Mariah Carey. After weakly squeaking out Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On," Jesse sunk faster than the Titanic. He excused himself in the middle of the audition for some water, and actually left the room, leaving the judges perplexed. Jewel looked like she was thinking "What the hell is this shit?" Jesse stumbled back in and tried to sing a Michael Jackson song, causing Simon to ask: "Why do you think we're looking for a two-year-old who can't sing?" Yup, a no.

APOLLO CREED: Wait it got weirder. Charles Moody (26) came dressed in a as Apollo Creed from the movie, Rocky. He declared: "I'm gonna try my best to knock out this audition." Then he sang a song in Italian. I not sure what, but it didn't sound half bad, or at least not as bad as you would expect a man in a red, white, and blue robe to sound. Simon sneered: "I don't know what I'm doing on this show anymore." All judges agree. It's a no.

CRACK BABY: Finally, we leave the crazies and come back with the inspirational story of Denise Jackson (16), who was born as a crack baby to a crack-addicted mother. She comes in with attitude and style and wows the judges with her rendition of "And I Tell You, I'm Not Going." Simon purrs: "You did everything right." And tells her she's a good singer - potentially. It's 8:35 and FINALLY WE HAVE A YES. Denise Jackson is going to Hollywood.

At 8:40 she thanks Jesus, giving us the first time that Jesus has been thanked this season.

MISS FORGOTTEN: Tashawn Moore (26) comes in and can't remember any words to her chosen song. Instead, she keeps stringing the words "women and girls, they rule my world" together without any rhyme or reason confusing everyone. It takes me 22 minutes to realize that she was trying to sing Prince's "Kiss." At least she apologizes before leaving. It's another no.

THE FLIRT: Before she comes into the room, Perla Meneses (25) flirts with Ryan, asking him if he has a girlfriend or if he likes Spanish girls. She is originally from Colombia and thinks she should win American idol because she is living the American Dream. She's sexy and young, so you know Simon is going to be salivating. She sings Blondie's "Call Me" but the judges aren't wowed. Randy asks her to do Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" and she transforms into Shakira before our eyes. Simon grins like a schoolboy, and I notice that his teeth are way too white and bright, almost blinding. It's a yes (and nobody is surprised).

The auditions continue, and Ryan explains that even though there is an even gender split in auditions, the men so far, have been pitiful.

THE COWBOY: Matthew Volna (25) appears in a cowboy hat and my first response is "Oh, no." He claims, "I'm so unique, one of a kind," and you know that means he probably isn't. Actually, he sounds like Lurch (from The Addams Family) so I guess he really is one of kind. It's not a "good" kind. Jewel asks him if he's serious, and he says he is. The judges all tell him no.

THE TOP GUN: The Top Gun theme plays behind naval officer Jarrod Fowler's (27) backstory so you know this is one of those extra-special inspirational contestants who is guaranteed a trip to Hollywood. Simon likes him, and thinks people will like him. And darnit, he is likeable. Jewel and Randy tell him to watch his pitchiness which is exactly what I was going to say. After five years of watching this show, I could TOTALLY be a guest-judge. It's a yes.

It's 8:59 and we have our first guy on his way to Hollywood. We're through the first hour of the season premiere. Whew, that went fast.

Ryan Seacrest kicks off the second hour by saying that "the Midwest has turned into the Midworst."

COWARDLY LION GIRL: Trista Griese shows up with ponytails, a poster, and a passion for The Wizard of Oz. She sings the Cowardly Lion song - "If I Were King of the Forest" -- and Simon looks like he's in a lot of pain. She certainly is unique and does a good job imitating the Cowardly Lion's snarling. Unfortunately for Trista, it's a no.

THE VOCAL TEACHER: Stephen Horst (28) is a vocal teacher so you would assume that he knows how to sing. Alas, you'd be wrong. Jewel tells him he's "too much musical theater" but she's clearly being kind. Randy tells him he shouldn' t be a vocal teacher if he sings like that. An amused Simon tells Stephen he shouldn't "take that" from Randy, egging on a fight. Stephen leaves dejectedly with a no.

THE FRESH-FACED MIDWESTERN BLONDE: The moment she walks in, you know the boys are going to love her. I'm not thrilled with her performance. And somehow I deleted her name (and I can't rewind the fricking DVR to get it). Of course, Simon is gaga, the look of love in his eyes. Does it really matter to Simon how they sound, when they're young and pretty? It's a yes.

THE SECRETARY: Dayna Dooley 's (27) boss paid for her to fly in from California for the auditions and Simon and Randy think the boss is obviously having a fling with his secretary. She looks okay, but screeches Chaka Khan, and Randy tells her that she's tone deaf. Then they bring in her boss and have her sing for him and she is better. Simon thinks this is because she is clearly in love with her boss. It's a no.

THE POOR BOY: Matt Sato (16) is alone, because he was too poor to bring his momma. He sings the Mama and the Papa's "California Dreamin" and impresses the judges. Simon tells him he's "got something." It's a yes. Matt calls his mom and starts crying. Awwww!

THE ARMY RESERVIST: Next we get another inspirational story. Rachel Jenkins (21) has a husband stationed in Baghdad so we KNOW she's in. It doesn't hurt that she works with her parents in their auto body shop and she joined the U.S. Army Reserves herself. Her song starts off strong, then kinda falters. But it doesn't matter. She has a great story -- so she's going to Hollywood. She also has a positive attitude and sense of humor. It's a yes.

THE CONTENDER: Sarah Krueger (19) comes in, belts out "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and I tell my kids that she's the first one I've heard who really nails the audition. I call her "The best we've seen tonight." The judges agree with me. I hate when they copy me. It's a yes.

THE JUGGLER: Jason Anderson (16) juggles, dances, and sing -- just not particularly well. Simon groans: "You have just summed up Minneapolis." Randy tells him to try out for "America's Got Talent." He leaves the room cursing the judges, and then begins to cry. His mommy comforts him, and as a mommy myself, I feel badly for him. It's a no.

THE BIGGEST FAN: Brenna Kyner (23) calls herself the biggest American Idol fan. Simon's eyes bug out when he sees her. She's his worst nightmare -- chubby, dark eyeliner, dressed in black. But she's enthusiastic and I like her attitude. When Simon tells her that her singing is "almost as bad as it can possibly get" she protests that she has trained for 10 years and holds a degree in vocal performance. Sadly, it's a no.

THE DANCING QUEEN: Josh Flom (20) comes in ready to wow the judges with his raspy hard-rocking vocals. Randy says he has a problem with "fake rock people." Simon tells Josh to come back in 15 minutes with an ABBA song to prove he has range. He comes back and sings ABBA's "Dancing Queen" in the same raspy voice as earlier. Simon tells him he's too one-dimensional and Randy and Jewel encourage him to stick with his band. It's a no and yet another boy cries.

Simon rises, kisses his fellow judges good-bye and Minneapolis is over. Only 17 out of the 10,000 people who showed up will be going to Hollywood. And tomorrow we do this all over again in Seattle.