American Idol: New York auditions

(S06E04) The episode opens with Ryan Seacrest in Times Square, in the "city that never sleeps." So it's appropriate that the song "All Night Long" becomes sorta of tonight's theme. Later, a bunch of rejects (including an astronaut, a Dorothy in drag, and a geeky Asian) will perform the Lionel Richie hit in an edited medley/montage. Also, in adhering to this theme, our judges reportedly were out all night long between Day One and Day Two, causing Simon Cowell to be AWOL for all of the morning's auditions the next day.

However, half way through tonight's bloated two-hour episode, I begin to feel as if I've been held captive "All Night Long." Somebody fast forward to the good stuff. I want to go to sleep. Make it stop. To quote a different Simon (Paul Simon) -- "I don't find this stuff amusing anymore."

This week's guest judge is Joan Collins. No, not really. It's singer, songwriter Carol Bayer Sager who just happens to look a lot like Alexis Carrington Colby. You young kids have no idea who Carol or Joan is, so just nod your heads and play along.

The good news is that over the course of this very long night, 35 hopefuls will get a golden ticket to Hollywood. And we actually see a number of good performances tonight. But as usual, we see way too many bad ones, as well.

Before we get to the yays, let me just say something about our first contestant, IAN BENARDO (25). He's a flamboyant, theatrical, headband-wearing, lisping, odd little character who wears his name on his shirt because he's obviously an attention-whore. Two seconds into his "act" and I'm not amused. In fact, I'm bored and annoyed. Simon calls him hammy, and agrees with me that it's not funny. This is not a good way to start. The fakeness of Ian and the whole set-up immediately puts me into a bad mood. Consider yourself warned.

THE YAYS:

SARAH BURGESS (19) is a sweet, young thing from Ohio who had to sneak to the auditions behind her father's back. She begins weeping to Ryan, weeping in front of the judges, weeping all over the place. She sings Blondie's "Call Me" and she's got talent. But I'm annoyed how much time they spend focusing on this girl's "weepy story." She calls home crying with Ryan's urging, tells her dad the good news, and I'd wish they'd move things along.

Best friends AMANDA COLUCCIO (19) and ANTONELLA BARBA (19) are so hot they get behind-the-scene footage of them frolicking in the waves at the Jersey Shore and talking about their love of shopping which isn't as fascinating as they try to make it appear. Amanda enters the room, and Simon's dirty-old-man eyes pop out of his head. They invite Antonella in for a duet, but the judges stop that mess quickly.

AMANDA lives in Holmdel which is literally down the street from where I live, so I decide to give the girl a fair shake. She does a pretty impressive job on Patsy Cline's "Crazy" even though Simon calls it a generic song choice. He then claims that he doesn't feel strongly about her audition, but puts her through anyway (because Simon doesn't need much convincing if you're young, thin, and blond).

Next up is best friend ANTONELLA, who looks like a young Cindy Crawford. The judges all agree that her audition was better than her friend's. Carol says she has a "great look." Antonella tries to defend her friend's audition, to which Simon gives the following advice: "When someone's down on the floor, kick them." Nice lesson to teach the kiddies, Professor Simon.

KIA THORNTON (27) sings Aretha Franklin "Ain't No Way" and Simon says, "the girl can sing." He calls it the best audition today (after she kisses up to him), but Carol and Paula tell her not to over-sing. Still, it's somewhere between 100 and 1000 percent YES (according to the judges). Like Sarah earlier, she leaves the room crying tears of joy.

On Day Two, we get some eye-candy for the women, when HENRY JENRY BEJARANO (16) walks in looking like a young Harry Belafonte (kids, look it up on IMDb). This time Paula's dirty-old-woman eyes are popping out. He sings "I'd Give Anything to Fall In Love" and Paula speaks for all of us when she says, "UMMMMMM." Carol thinks he's "got something very charismatic" about him. Randy likes his confidence, but tells him to "stay humble."

JORY STEINBERG (25) grew up in Canada, but now lives in Santa Monica. She sings "Chains" and Simon says it's terrific. Paula calls it "very professional." Simon actually smiles, and wonders aloud: "Why can't they all be like that?"

PORCELANA PATINO (27) gets a back-story set to the Rocky theme, so pay attention, people. She's going to Hollywood. But, first we hear about how Porcelana lost 15-20 (although it looks like more) pounds by waking up for grueling 5 AM workouts. She comes into the audition flaunting her body, proud of what she's achieved, and Simon has no problem drooling over her "chiseled" body. She sings Mary J. Blige in a rather sexy manner, and Paula says, "I thought you were a little peculiar, I wasn't sure if this was an act, but this is really you." In an obvious jab at Paula, Simon responds, "She's in good company." Carol thinks she's unique, and the gang agrees to give Porcelana a golden ticket. Porcelana is so excited she asks for a group hug. Stuffy Old Simon refrains from the the group activity.

RACHEL ZEVITA (18) looks like a young, hippy girl. She's studying opera at school, but she really wants to be an American Idol. She sings "Eternal Life" by Jeff Buckley. Not sure, they ask her to sing another song. Still not sure, they ask her to sing opera. Simon says it's a problem that she offered them "three different artists" and asks her who she wants to be. Of course she answers, "I'd like to be myself." Paula, Randy, and Carol say yes, and Simon says, "You're all coming to Hollywood" referring to Rachel's three distinct singing personas. While I thought her opera singing was good, she seems like too much of a novelty act to me, someone who will fade fast in Hollywood.

CHRIS RICHARDSON (22) looks and sounds like Justin Timberlake according to Randy and also gets a golden ticket. Paula says "girls are gonna love him" meaning Chris will be kept in the competition probably up until the final four by tween girls with speed-dialing.

NICHOLAS PEDRO (25) bailed out of the competition in Hollywood last year after flubbing the words to "Buttercup" during the group rounds. Haunted by the experience, he's back to prove something. I'd go into more details, but I'm tired. I thought he sounded "old-fashioned" and "generic" but the judges love him. So Nicholas gets a second chance.

THE NAYS:

I don't want to linger with the rejects, because, really what's the point? Must I really relive it all? So, here's a quick recap:

FANIA TSAKALAKOS(26) has Greek enthusiasm, but is unattractive with curly dark hair, badly-applied blue eyeshadow, and a mole on her chin. Simon can barely stand to hear her speak. She launches into Toto's "Africa" complete with dramatic arm movements, which Simon deems "appalling." But she takes her rejection with poise and grace.

ASHANTI JOHNSON (28) has already made it to Hollywood twice and is back again to try once again. She sings "Loving You" and I think she's pretty good. But the judges call her old-fashioned and cabaret. Carol suggests she try Broadway. Unwilling to take no from the judges, Ashanti gives a very passionate speech: "I have fought harder than I even thought I was capable of fighting...but in the depths of my soul, I know, if America saw me...they would love me." I feel as if I'm watching the dramatic climax of a film starring Diana Ross. I think maybe the woman should consider writing.

CLIFTON BIDDLE (24) likes attention, and sings ZZ Top's "Tush." He stomps and claps as he sings. Paula asks him for another song and he plays his harmonica instead of singing. Simon critiques his harmonica-playing as "a bit squeaky."

NAKIA CLAIBORNE (24) is very energetic, and very round. She sings "Dancing in the Streets" and almost convinces the judges that she has talent. They call her fun, and infectious. When she sings a slow song, they realize she can't hit all the notes, and tell her she needs lots of work, vocally. Paula tells her "she was a joy, though." But Nakia is no longer joyful. She pleads: "I gotta lot of people who really want me to go. I can't let them down." The judges show some compassion, tell her that they're sorry but they need to find the best. And Nakia, the energetic bubble leaves the auditions completely deflated. I feel so bad when she starts murmuring, "Sometimes you get tired of hearing no, and it's not just for singing...you get tired of hearing no."

SARAH GOLDBERG (20) is the girl with the cowboy hat, who sings Selena's "Dreaming of You." It's obvious she's tone-deaf, but I wonder if maybe she's completely deaf. She tells the judges, "I'm not a singer." But when Randy accuses her of coming in to get on TV and be famous, she denies it and starts to cry, shout, plead, and act like a nutcase. She doesn't think an American Idol needs to be able to sing. At this point, Simon is still missing from the auditions, and I miss him because I wish someone would stop this woman swiftly and put us all out of our collective miseries.

ANTONIO TORRES, JR. is dressed like Frank Sinatra and sings "New York, New York" in strong Brooklyn accent that makes him unable to pronounce his "K's." He's also 47, so I have to wonder why the hell they're wasting our time with this. I'm still not amused, and only getting more annoyed.

CHRISTOPHER HENRY (20) says he is compared (in looks) to George Michaels or Simon Cowell. Once again, the "stunt casting" is getting tiresome. He sings like a girl, Simon tells him he should be singing in a dress and stilettos" and I really want to go to sleep. Paula and Simon do their best to wake me up by staging a catfight in which Paula calls Simon, "an asshole...a little boy...and a jerk." I yawn.

Last, but not least:

ISADORA FURMAN (26) is a clairvoyant who reads palms and compares her singing to Pat Benatar, Stevie Nicks, and Janis Joplin. Long story short -- she sucks. She makes a lot of vocal sounds during the audition, none of which resemble singing. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

NEXT WEEK: Sweet Home Alabama, where Ruben, Bo, and Taylor were all discovered in previous auditions.