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In Defense Of: American Idol Cruelty
The recent talk regarding American Idol has revolved around one of two things: 1) Paula Abdul's slow, sad descent into dementia and 2) the fact that the show seems much more cruel than usual. (I'd like to see Randy's uselessness and Simon's insistence on wearing t-shirts at least two sizes too small also thrown into the discussion, but I digress).There's been enough ink spilled on the first point that I really don't have too much to add. Suffice it to say that I think all Paula needs is some rest and an exorcism and she'll be fine.
As to the second point, I agree that the show has become much more cruel as of late. I think that the judges have been mean and that the show seems to focus on the bad auditions rather than the good ones. And you know what? I think it's great.
There are three types of bad auditions on American Idol and I think all three can benefit from harsh (even cruel) criticism.
1) An act that thinks that he or she is good, but is most certainly not good. A lot of times this performer is "dressed sexy" (some kind of clingy, fat-exposing silk for the ladies, gelled hair and jeans that are both distressed and distressing to look at on the guys) despite being what one could conservatively call pig-slop ugly. They're surrounded by an equally clueless and sadly recognizable family who you just know has been supporting this kid for year after tone-deaf year. This group usually reacts with the most sadness after being told they are "awful" or "dreadful" because in their hearts they thought they were good. Our own hearts at home break because we can empathize with seeing a dream so deferred.
But what did the judges do, really, that was so cruel? They made fun of singing that is bad and bodies that are out of shape. They're almost never wrong. These kids are so deluded into thinking that they are good, the harsh reality of an insult is what's needed to cut through the BS they've been feeding themselves (in between Mallomar breaks, that is) all these years. If the judges were to let them down easily, ("You were just a little off, better luck next year"), all they'd be doing is cursing these kids to another year of false hope. I liked the movie Rudy too, but let's be honest, no matter how much these kids work, they're still gonna stink. Cruelty is what's needed here to kill a dream that has no business existing.
A little story to illustrate my point: When I was six, I told my dad during some batting practice that I wanted to play professional baseball. He took me aside and said, "Son, we've been here twenty minutes and all you've hit is the tee and and my crotch. You couldn't be worse if you didn't have any arms. Maybe you should set your sites a little lower. Have you considered writing for a TV blog?" And here I am. Maybe my dad was a bit cruel, but he saved me from a lifetime of futility.
(A lot of you may be asking how my dad knew about the existence of TV blogs in 1982. Well, my dad was a genius. Also, I tend to make things up.)
2) Someone who is knowingly bad and just trying to get on TV. They're usually dressed as something like Mr. T ("I pity the fool who doesn't think I'm the next American Idol") and pretty much everyone knows that they're not going to the next round. Fox loves them because they help to pad the shows into two hour blocks and the people at home love them for the same reason we love professional wrestling and pro-sports mascots: we're idiots. The cruelty the judges show them is part of the camp of the show and I don't think anyone is really getting hurt.
3) People who are... slow. I don't think that Fox has sunk so low that they're putting people with obvious mental retardation on the show, but they've gotten pretty darn close. When people talk about cruelty, I think they often have these auditions in mind. In fact, when I was preparing this article, even I was unsure how to approach this subject.
My first thought was that it was actually kind of refreshing that the judges treat these people with the same respect (or lack thereof) afforded to everyone else. There's something tremendously American about softening words around people with differences (my mother-in-law is deaf and it's fun to watch how uncomfortable people get around her, especially when they whisper "Oh, is she deaf?" to us. Why are you WHISPERING!?) It's nice to see a little British brutality being brought to the table, regardless of what political correctness tells us to do.
My second thought was that these people are either capable of getting to the show themselves and are therefore open season or they are taken to the show by relatives who think it would be "cute" if little Ralph Wiggum gets his thirty seconds on air. If it's the latter case, I think it's a crummy situation and the kid is getting used an all accounts -- including his family. The cruelty is probably unwarranted, but if it serves as a deterrent from bringing these kids to the auditions, well, then, so be it. There's no reason at all that that kid should be there and his parents should know better.
My third thought is that the preceding two paragraphs will probably bring on me the same charges of cruelty that came down on American Idol. Well, that's okay, I'm making fat TV Squad money, and I can't hear your insults in my candy-coated mansion. (On a side note, don't ever candy-coat your mansion. My place is crawling with ants.)
We feel so badly for all three of these groups, I think, because part of us worries that if we were to go onto the show that the judges would be that cruel to us. There but for the grace of God go I or some such. Well, lucky for us we didn't go on the show! I can't sing and I can't dance so I'm smart enough not to go on a show and audition for something that requires singing and dancing. If I did go, I would expect nothing short of the same cruelty that everyone else who can't sing and can't dance has been getting.
I mean, has it gotten so bad in this country that we're complaining that the judges on a reality show are being judgmental?!
When I played youth soccer (another sport that I sucked at, but it was soccer, so my dad didn't care) and we had "Cup Day" (which did not involve athletic supporters), everyone, despite how they played, walked away with a trophy. And you know how much value that trophy had? About as much as if it actually had been an athletic supporter. We only value praise when there is the threat of criticism. That's why Simon is the only judge anyone cares about.
We thrill with the contestant when Simon smiles and says, "That was lovely." Why? Because of the thousands of times he was cruel in the past. We trust Simon the same way we don't trust our spouse when we ask them if we look fat or if they're okay with how hairy our back is becoming.
We live in a world where the PTA disallows dodgeball because it hurts a kid's self-esteem. What we forget is that a few blasts of thick red gym-rubber is sometimes the motivation a kid needs to improve himself or at least learn not to play dodgeball.
This country could use a good hard dodgeball strike to the noggin. The only thing inflating faster than our national debt is our national ego. We call every social critic anti-American and we tell our FEMA heads they're doing a great job regardless of the actual job he's doing. Maybe we'd all benefit from a little American Idol style cruelty in our lives.
(And yes, I completely expect for the comments to bring a little AI cruelty into my life. It's okay, I'll be as drunk as Paula when this article hits.)
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