American Idol: San Antonio auditions

(S06E07)

BRYAN KYRISH (27) is first up tonight. He says he sounds like Billy Idol, Ozzie, or AC/DC. He thinks he can win this thing because he won the grand prize in a "mock" American Idol. He sings Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" and YELL he does. He also slams his knees on the wooden floor not once, but twice, causing everyone to wince in pain. Simon says, "That woke us up." Paula utters, "Wow" and then asks if Bryan hurt his voice. Simon calls it "a lot of shouting, without a lot of melody." After Bryan leaves the room, Simon says, "You have to wonder what the person who came in last was like."
FINAL VERDICT: NO

HALEY SCARNATO (24) is a cute young girl with big hoop earrings, a sexy black backless outfit, and a sexy little mole above her lips. I'm not sure why, but Paula Abdul asks to shake her hand. Then she complements compliments Haley's outfit (while Simon's eyes pop out of his skull). Haley sings "I Can't Make You Love Me," by Bonnie Raitt. Paula says she has "real nice control" of her voice, and was "very lovely." Randy thinks she was only okay. Simon agrees, saying "You look good, you sound good" but thinks it was a "bit cabaret." Even though she's not quite unique enough for Simon, he gives her a second chance because, duh, she is like hot. What did you think he was going to say?
FINAL VERDICT: YES

In the holding room, they're having a hoedown, according to Ryan Seacrest. Don't know what this has to do with anything. So anyway....

JASMINE HOLLAND (22) showed up with a very supportive family. Unfortunately, their sign makes no sense. It reads: JASMINES ARE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL. Huh? Her family thinks she's ready to storm Hollywood. She walks in all shy and quiet, and Simon and Randy start snickering rudely. Jasmine begins to sing (okay, it sounds more like a whine), and Randy practically chokes on his water, shaking with laughter. Paula holds it together (unlike Beavis and Butthead) and tells Jasmine it "was just not the best audition." Then she says that Jasmine seems "really sad." Jasmine snaps back "because ya'll being rude." And she's right. The boys were laughing at her before she even opened her mouth. Randy tells her it "wasn't good." And Jasmine wants to know what it is Randy does (as does the rest of America). Randy responds: "I do everything." I wonder if he does windows. Jasmine leaves in tears and her family consoles her. They're so mad, they think Simon should go back to "British" where he came from. Welcome to the beauty of unscripted television.
FINAL VERDICT: NO

BAYLIE BROWN (16) is a really cute, charismatic blond who reminds me of Denise Richards. She is from small town in Texas, lives on a ranch with cows and horse, and babbles some nonsense about being afraid horses will eat her. She's a country girl, who wants to be a city girl. She shows us her closet and all her sparkly clothes, which her mom says is "not country." But if you ask me, all those sparkly Dolly Parton clothes really ARE COUNTRY. Anywho, she sings Faith Hill's "Stronger" and her voice sounds more country than city to me. Simon thinks she "is born to be a pop star." He doesn't think her voice is great at the moment, but calls her "commercial, with a capital C...a record label's dream." We all know she is Simon's dream. This is what he envisions an American Idol should look like. Paula is surprised this small town country girl has a fashion sense (kinda sounds like a backhanded compliment to me).
FINAL VERDICT: YES

Ryan tells us that as the auditions continued, some people exited the room happy, while others did not. But according to Ryan (and the writers who put these witty things into his mouth), "It's not just how you come through the doors, but whether you can make it out at all." We get a montage of people CRASHING and SLAMMING into doors while trying to exit the room, week-after-week. Each time a contestant picks the wrong door the judges yell "OTHER DOOR!!" I have one question. Why couldn't they have a Production Assistant make a sign that says "PUSH HERE TO EXIT" on the right door? Oh yeah, because then we wouldn't have this whimsical "Other Door" segment.

Next up is a couple of cousins who live together. They are opposites -- one is Bruce Banner and the other is The Incredible Hulk. But they're both unemployed, and say they have everything riding on these auditions.

WILLIAM GREEN (25) is Cousin #1. He begins singing "Amazing Grace" in slow-motion (or so it seems). Paula chuckles along with Randy. When he's finally done, Randy said he thought the song was going to last "a couple days." Simon calls it the "neverending" song. I wonder why they didn't just cut him off. He's not good, but he's a good sport. He's really just here along for the ride. William takes his rejection and tells the judges he's going to talk trash for the cameras when he leaves. They tell him to go for it. Unfortunately, his cousin, Bruce Banner, isn't in on the Hulk's joke. He's so upset, he looks like he wants to kick Simon's ass.
FINAL VERDICT: NO

AKRON WATSON (23) is Cousin #2. He sings Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come." Simon calls him a good singer, with a "massive personality charisma problem." Simon says the audition bored him. Paula thinks his voice was a nice surprise, and encourages Akron to try another something to make Simon "not bored." He launches into "Let's Get It On," and I don't think it's as good as his first song, but it's good enough to convince Simon he's Hollywood-worthy.
FINAL VERDICT: YES

SANDIE CHAVEZ (21) has "real experience" according to Ryan. She describes her voice as "bluesy, soulful-sounding." Her experience includes singing at parties, talent shows, and for the Mayor of Houston. She sings "Black Velvet" by Alannah Myles. She holds her hand over one ear throughout the performance (perhaps trying to cover the sound of her own dreadful voice). I wished I had covered my ears. It's no surprise, Randy chuckles. Simon says, "I didn't understand a word of that...it was literally like some language I've never heard in my life." I couldn't have said it better. Then he asks if she is being serious, and Sandie begins to cry. Randy and Paula try to soothe her. Sandie babbles an apology, and Paula tells her she doesn't have to apologize. Simon snarks, "Well, she does a bit." Paula threatens Simon with physical violence. Then she tells Sandie (the teacher) that "teaching is a wonderful thing." After she's gone, Simon says "the worse news is that she's a MUSIC teacher."
FINAL VERDICT: NO

ASHLYN CARR (18) is a really pretty girl, who apparently was beaten up in high school because she has a good voice. I have a good feeling about Ashlyn as she launches into Michael Buble's version of Nina Simone's "Feeling Good." Ashlyn sounds great, but she scrunches up her face as she sings. Simon says, "You definitely have a unique voice." Paula tells her to "look in the mirror" to watch herself perform in order to see the weird facial expressions she makes. Simon also thinks she needs a great vocal coach. Randy says she's not ready. Paula agrees with Randy, although she calls Ashlyn a "very rare talent." Simon says, he would have said yes.
FINAL VERDICT: NO... or is it?

ASHLYN CARR -- TAKE TWO. They've never done this before, but the judges agree that they made a mistake dismissing Ashlyn. So they bring her back into the room for a second chance. She sings "Inseparable" but she just can't stop the face-scrunching. It doesn't matter. Simon likes her, despite her "very, very bad habits." He thinks she's unique, "like an old-school Dionne Warwick." Randy likes that she's different (like "scrunchy" different?). Paula likes her too, but tells her she has some work to do before Hollywood.
FINAL VERDICT: YES

JACOB TUTOR (21) He calls himself "Jake the Snake." He wants to follow in his family's footsteps. Apparently they're in the entertainment business (you know, the famous "Tutor Family" -- they're like the Fondas, or Barrymores, or the Judds, or not). His influences include Kurt Cobain and Axl Rose. He sings really intensely and darkly, while staring at the ceiling. Simon says, "I think you need to be in a very dark bedroom when you sing that song." Jake the Snake leaves angrily, telling Simon to kiss his ass. He cusses out Randy and Paula too. But he thinks Ryan is AWESOME. cool.
FINAL VERDICT: NO

JIMMY MCNEAL (23) is the last contestant of the day. He sings "Cupid" and Simon calls him "a little fun Ruben." Simon also thinks Jimmy is "authentic, very likable." And Randy is all like "definitely." Paula does some kind of spazzy Paula cheer.
FINAL VERDICT: YES

And we're done! In all, 22 people get golden tickets to Hollywood.

Tomorrow Night: The Best of the Rest. Ryan promises us "all the gems" they've unearthed. It's the "worst of the worst" and the "best of the best" from all across the country.