How to win Idol, step by step

So, tonight was the "Best of the Rest." And, of course, the term "best" is used liberally. I can get over it though since there were three words that made sweet love in my eardrums and put me in a great viewing mood. What were they? Last Audition Episode.

I don't know anymore if under casual viewing circumstances I'd be amused by all the antics. I'm too close to it all, you know? But, the difference in format tonight kept me entertained and unbothered by the same old schtick. I liked the six-step program -- I felt like I was learning something -- even though all that was the same old stuff, too. You sneaky bastards. My only complaint after seeing what Idol had to offer this year was: That's it?

Don't misunderstand, I think there were some really talented kids showcased, but if these are what the "largest crowds ever" have to offer, we have a looooong way to go. I know some people think that throwing stylists and vocal coaches and every other supplemental commodity at an artist is the answer. And, while that may be the case for most, going from humdrum to superstar in three months isn't enough time no matter who you are. It's like taking cookies out of the oven before their done. Yes, I did just use a baking analogy... Whatever, man it's late and the point is that none of these guys look like they're prepared.

Anyway, back to the show and the six-step program.

Step One: You gotta have the look. Then, Idol proves that wrong with Tami Gosnell and her stringy brown hair. Man, she looked rough. Still, she can sing and away she goes with a yellow paper to Hollywood. So step one is a dud -- you don't have to have the look.

Step Two: Seek inspiration. Paul Kim looks to William Hung and Jack Odanavich swears by Bo Bice. I actually like William. I tried to convince him to start his own brand of fortune cookies once, but he didn't understand a word I said. Then, he responded to me with some inspirational message about being famous -- that's poetry! So, needless to say, with the spirit of Billy Hung, Paul made it through and Jack swears that he'll never give up, even though he's going home. I'm sure Bo would be proud. Thumbs up to step two.

Step Three: Persistence. Ryan tells us that they've had more repeats this year than ever before and they prove it with Gina Glocksen, who is mostly persistent at offering herself to Simon. But, it works, so step three is money.

Step Four: Audition on your own. I'm gonna go ahead and say that's good advice without the three roller-skating waitresses to back me up. I hate that.

Step Five: Shake your moneymaker. The general consensus seems to be a negative on this one. I agree; I'm tired of all the crazy dancing. Imagine me saying that?! Then again, I was tired the moment someone asked me to "do that little dance [I] did on American Idol."

Step Six: Clarity. Or rather, pick a song we all like and can understand. Um, yeah, that's good.

So, I didn't learn too much after all, but it was fun to write about. Well I admit, I started getting bored at around step four, and I'm sure you did too. It's been a long night. After watching the show, I went to a karaoke bar for a friend's birthday party and ended up hanging out with Dennis Haskins, otherwise know as "Mr. Belding" from Saved By the Bell. I was even graced by his vocal stylings on "Piano Man" by Billy Joel.

It was a gloriously awful cap on what's been a marathon of bad singing. I'm happy to say it's done, and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next week in Los Angeles.

[Jon Peter Lewis was a contestant on the third season of "American Idol." He has just released his debut album, "Stories From Hollywood." Visit his Web site, jonpeterlewis.com.]

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