How to win Idol, step by step

by Jon Peter Lewis, posted Feb 8th 2007 10:42AM

Jon Peter LewisSo, tonight was the "Best of the Rest." And, of course, the term "best" is used liberally. I can get over it though since there were three words that made sweet love in my eardrums and put me in a great viewing mood. What were they? Last Audition Episode.

I don't know anymore if under casual viewing circumstances I'd be amused by all the antics. I'm too close to it all, you know? But, the difference in format tonight kept me entertained and unbothered by the same old schtick. I liked the six-step program -- I felt like I was learning something -- even though all that was the same old stuff, too. You sneaky bastards. My only complaint after seeing what Idol had to offer this year was: That's it?

Don't misunderstand, I think there were some really talented kids showcased, but if these are what the "largest crowds ever" have to offer, we have a looooong way to go. I know some people think that throwing stylists and vocal coaches and every other supplemental commodity at an artist is the answer. And, while that may be the case for most, going from humdrum to superstar in three months isn't enough time no matter who you are. It's like taking cookies out of the oven before their done. Yes, I did just use a baking analogy... Whatever, man it's late and the point is that none of these guys look like they're prepared.

Anyway, back to the show and the six-step program.

Step One: You gotta have the look. Then, Idol proves that wrong with Tami Gosnell and her stringy brown hair. Man, she looked rough. Still, she can sing and away she goes with a yellow paper to Hollywood. So step one is a dud -- you don't have to have the look.

Step Two: Seek inspiration. Paul Kim looks to William Hung and Jack Odanavich swears by Bo Bice. I actually like William. I tried to convince him to start his own brand of fortune cookies once, but he didn't understand a word I said. Then, he responded to me with some inspirational message about being famous -- that's poetry! So, needless to say, with the spirit of Billy Hung, Paul made it through and Jack swears that he'll never give up, even though he's going home. I'm sure Bo would be proud. Thumbs up to step two.

Step Three: Persistence. Ryan tells us that they've had more repeats this year than ever before and they prove it with Gina Glocksen, who is mostly persistent at offering herself to Simon. But, it works, so step three is money.

Step Four: Audition on your own. I'm gonna go ahead and say that's good advice without the three roller-skating waitresses to back me up. I hate that.

Step Five: Shake your moneymaker. The general consensus seems to be a negative on this one. I agree; I'm tired of all the crazy dancing. Imagine me saying that?! Then again, I was tired the moment someone asked me to "do that little dance [I] did on American Idol."

Step Six: Clarity. Or rather, pick a song we all like and can understand. Um, yeah, that's good.

So, I didn't learn too much after all, but it was fun to write about. Well I admit, I started getting bored at around step four, and I'm sure you did too. It's been a long night. After watching the show, I went to a karaoke bar for a friend's birthday party and ended up hanging out with Dennis Haskins, otherwise know as "Mr. Belding" from Saved By the Bell. I was even graced by his vocal stylings on "Piano Man" by Billy Joel.

It was a gloriously awful cap on what's been a marathon of bad singing. I'm happy to say it's done, and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next week in Los Angeles.

[Jon Peter Lewis was a contestant on the third season of "American Idol." He has just released his debut album, "Stories From Hollywood." Visit his Web site, jonpeterlewis.com.]

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Kat Okon

Umm "JP" comment person, so are you saying women should loose pounds before they try out? Don't you think that kind of attitude will induce eating disorders and all that crap? Tear, Tear, Sniff ,Sniff, guess only the pretty people will ever be famous. =D

February 08 2007 at 8:33 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kat Okon

Wow JamTVman that "fixed" comment of yours still sucked. So I take you are not a writer... =( My heart laughs at you. =D

Anyway JP I sometimes want to question "are you trying to make us laugh?" or in being yourself "do we just end up laughing?" I guess that is my politically correct way of saying "are we suppost to be laughing with you or at you?" I like to think it is with you. Nice words of wisdom for Billy Hung by the way. That was very sweet of you.

You thought Tammy was stringy haired?! I thought she was hot. That lip ring she had just did something for me. No I REALLY did find a sexiness to her. I know that is weird because I'm a chick but hey whatever. Oh and the fact the woman had a voice I really got into help too. But like you said you have extensive insight on matters of Idol and how to dress when you first stand in fornt of the judges.=D

Umm speaking of sexy people on American Idol... Paul Kim, OMG! (hehe) the man is SO fine. Like I said OMG! His mom was wearing a do rag too, AWESOME!

Your dance moves (if anyone besides Jon wants to call them that) weren't that bad. You could break dance... LoL

Anyway with all the joy you have expressed over watching these first couple of weeks of AI, I sit anxiously by waiting to see what you will say in your next blog.

Hug, Hug, Kiss, Kiss, and all that jazz.

Kat Okon

P.S. Cool b-day party. Are you dropping hints for what you want this year perhaps?

February 08 2007 at 8:27 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
JP

Something I've noticed:

A girl walks in wearing jeans and a nice shirt. Going to Hollywood.

A girl walks in wearing any of the following:
Spandex
fishnets
chicken suit
belly fat sticking out of too-tight shirt

Not going to Hollywood

February 08 2007 at 8:25 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
jamTVman

Just correcting my grammar. My boss spoked me.

Your writing is not that inspired for me, dawg.

I think you're great, but I gotta pass.

Right then. No for me

February 08 2007 at 2:26 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
jamTVman

You're writings not that inspired for me, dawg.

I think you're great, but I gotta pass.

Right then. No for me.

February 08 2007 at 2:24 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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