In all of human history, no object is as revered as the mighty can: holder of both liquid and solids, aluminum liner of truck floors in most Southern states, and able to double as a phone or a bong whenever the situation calls for it. Where would we be without the can? I'll tell you where: at the store trying to mop loose soup into our grocery bags with a sponge, crying out to whomever will listen: "why isn't there some kind of receptacle that will hold this soup?"

On March 8 at 10:00 p.m., Man-Made: The Can premieres on the National Geographic Channel. The episode promises to delve into the history and making of the cylindrical items, and also promises not to be boring, even though it's a show about how cans are made. In all of recorded history, the phrase "hey, wanna know all there is to know about cans?" has never been met with an affirmative response. At least not that I know of.

Nevertheless, the press release reads that cans are amazing marvels of technology and "even an object of desire." I laughed at first but then I remembered this conversation I had with a can of sliced peaches the other night:

Can: Hey, you.

Adam: Hello, talking can of peaches.

Can: In heavy syrup. Ah yeah.

Adam: What's that smell? Are you wearing cologne?

Can: I just got back from the fridge. You know that container of potato salad? I totally had sex with it.

Adam: Who hasn't?

Can: What?

Adam: Nothing. Is that a pepperoni slice on your side?

Can: Hell yeah. I'm like totally doin' the potato salad, and this slice of pizza is like, "I want me some of that hot action," so it joins in and suddenly we're having a three way. It ain't east being an object of desire, but that's the cross I bear.

Adam: Cross-eyed bear?

Can: No, "cross I bear."

Adam: I thought maybe the "cross-eyed bear" was a new sexual position.

Can: If I haven't done it, then it doesn't exist.

Adam: Does it bother you that I'll be eating your insides soon?

Can: Does it bother you I've made sweet love to all the other food items in your house?

Adam: A little.

Can: I guess we're even, then. Just make sure you consume my insides soon, I think the applesauce is threatening a paternity suit.