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America's Next Top Model: The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking, Part 1 & 2 (season premiere)
(S08E01) Having the opportunity to view this two hour premiere on two separate occasions made it a little easier for me to catch some of those little nuances that make the show so enjoyable.
For starters, Tyra Banks is certifiably insane. In all honesty, I don't know a great deal of information about her but there are two things I know for sure. For one, she is incredibly attractive. That's all I have to say about that.
Second, she is tied with Reese Witherspoon for having the most forehead real estate in Hollywood. In fact, I routinely call her "Fivehead" around the house, but I promise it's a term of endearment.
That being said, I have no clue how to take her most of the time. In the middle of that boot camp sequence when she came out stomping up a storm and broke into the Apocalypse Now inspired speech, I was a little baffled because she seemed to be taking herself 100% seriously. Who could possibly deliver the following lines without breaking into maniacal laughter?
"I love the smell of hair and makeup in the morning. Smells like [a beat] victory."
"I want you to be all you can be, not bitch all you can bitch."
"I want to see my women be top guns, not son of a guns."
It was like watching a really, really bad episode of Def Poetry Jam, but she delivered these lines with Shakespearean conviction. I kept waiting for her to start cracking up but it never happened. Possibly the most amusing part of this episode.
My favorite androgynous TV personality, Miss J. Alexander, had me laughing hysterically no less than five times during the premiere. The "postage stamp" comment during Natasha's intro was priceless. Miss J's wit is second only to Tyra's unintentional campiness as my favorite aspect of the show, but I swear I'm pouring Tabasco Sauce directly on my pupils if J ever wears those army pants again.
One unfortunate part of the show that I can already tell is going to drive me crazy is the inordinate amount of jealousy and excuse making that seems to happen.
Let's see, someone said the only reason Sara knew the "who is Richard Avedon question" was because she's a photographer. Someone else said Jael only won the Goodwill outfit contest because she's an avid thrift store shopper.
Jael said her photograph during the political controversies portion was emotionless because she had a fever, despite hoola hooping playfully prior to the shoot. Renee's excuse had to do with her missing her son and husband.
What happened to giving credit where credit's due and just chalking up a crappy day to not putting enough effort into things or a lack of experience? If anything, this will just get worse as the stakes increase.
I was actually quite pleased that Kathleen was 86'd because I found her to be the most annoying person on the show. From her inability to comprehend extremely complicated phrases like "anti-fur" to her bizarre stance on being pro-animal fur "only when the animal died from natural causes" (huh?), I'm glad I don't have to hear any of it again. It was excruciating.
Some of the comments in last week's early look at this episode said it best. America's Next Top Model is pure "junk television". It's like a roller coaster always threatening to careen off the tracks, but somehow it always manages to keep moving forward while entertaining at every turn. This episode, while a little long and full of fluff, exemplifies that point pretty well.
As promised, my wife Heather's selection to win the competition is Jaslene. While I think Jaslene has the hottest model walk of all contestants, my vote goes to Renee. While Renee is a little abrasive and pretty full of herself (although not nearly as bad as Sara), I think she's got the determination to win this thing.
Can't wait to see how future episodes play out.
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