America's Next Top Model: The Girls Who Go To Prom

(S08E03) So when this episode's first piece of "Tyra mail" made its way into the model mansion it read, "Babies learn how to do it, can you?"

Call me a prophet, but somehow I knew the answer to this question was not "bite, masticate, and digest".

I know skinniness is all the rage in the modeling industry, but holy crap! Some of these girls look like it's day 30 of Survivor and they're part of the downtrodden tribe, sustaining themselves solely on a diet of coconut husks, sea cucumbers, and bark.

I always halfway expect to see Jeff Probst pop out from behind something and offer one of these girls a hamburger in exchange for immunity.

Of course, Probst never appeared. All we got was Miss J looking like a cross between a Bébé's Kid and a Catholic schoolgirl with a hangover, gyrating around while the models learned how to "walk", which ended up being the real answer to the question.

I said it last week and I'll say it again. Tyra is the star of this show, but Miss J is starting to inch her out of the way in my eyes. He's like the less popular co-star in a movie whose performance outshines the starlet who gets top billing on the movie poster. He always has something comedic to say, his timing is impeccable, and he's a grown-ass man who dresses in woman's clothing and is 100% unapologetic about it. Good times all around.

Perhaps I'm underestimating the complexity of being a model, but is it really that difficult to remember the path you need to walk down a runway? They kept calling it choreography, but to me it seemed pretty much like walking - you know, that activity we humans use everyday to propel ourselves around.

Three girls start walking down the runway, the one in the middle pauses. The two on the outside crisscross and pause at the corners of the stage, the one in the middle walks forward. The two on the side start walking back and crisscross again when the one in the middle passes. They all walk off the runway.

Instead of the above scenario, it was a veritable pinball machine out there and for the most part, Jaslene, the self professed "best walker", was the ball. I found this insanely funny. Also, this is probably a good time to point out that Natasha walks like a member of the KGB, and Samantha walks like her right arm is made of PVC piping. Okay, I spent way too much time on that topic.

So when we eventually moved on to the yearbook end-of-year award themed photo shoot, did anyone else think they should have made Natasha's theme "foreign exchange student" instead of the "teacher's pet"? We all had a few exchange studens in our high schools and she fits the bill pretty well being foreign and all. Perhaps that was too obvious.

Jaslene, Renee, Sara, and Felicia had the best photographs in my opinion. I'm really waiting for Whitney and the absolutely gorgeous Diana to wow me with their photos but it just hasn't happened yet.

I definitely think the judges made the correct decision in sending Samantha back home. She seemed way over her head in this competition and maybe a little too innocent and dare I say "prudish" for the show.

I'm not saying innocence and a conservative nature are bad things. In fact, I'd go as far to say both of these qualities are sorely lacking in people in her age group, at least the ones I know anyway. I just think this particular competition was a bit too much for her to handle. It's a damn shame too because I really enjoyed looking at her photos. She was a pretty girl.

Ummm yeah. So is too late to change my pick on who's going to win this thing? In last weeks commentary on the show the people in the comments who said, "Renee was strong but that she was going to be breaking soon" had it right.

She's getting a bit crazy with all the excuses and crying about other models getting better themes than her. It was all just a little pathetic, whiny, and unattractive. I guess I'll stick with my choice but I have to say her chances seem to diminish the more I see of her. My wife feels the same with her choice of Jaslene.

I can only think of one way to end this and it goes a little something like this.

"Sometimes modeling is about pretending you're a ho, but bringing it back to fashion. Ho, fashion. Ho, fashion." - Tyra Banks

This show makes me feel dirty...