Despite the fact that I'm part of MTV's target demographic, I don't really watch the network. I only tune in as I'm getting dressed in the early morning and MTV's running its morning music video block. For the rest of the day, MTV seems to avoid actually playing full music videos like the plague. Instead, they fill their programming schedule with awful reality shows about spoiled pre-teens and dating shows so depressing that contestants are even willing to pee all over themselves to get out.

Now, please allow me to frolic about in my own fantasy world, in which I create my idea of MTV's perfect programming schedule. There are only five -- FIVE -- MTV shows that I would keep. That's right. Everything else should be full-on music videos. In my own MTV, there will be no Laguna Beach, no Pimp My Ride, and certainly no Yo Momma (how did they manage to pitch that?!)

The Real World: I currently despise this show but can accept keeping it if it goes back to what it originally was: a genuine social experiment. Nowadays, The Real World is just a blatant attempt to show hot tub orgies week after week. I want to see the tension that comes naturally when seven strangers live in the same home and stop being polite and start getting real. If I need to see boobies and pixelated genitalia, I'll turn to just about every other aspect of our culture.

Daria or Clone High: Okay, so neither of these shows are on the air anymore, but I guess I have had a hard time letting go. Both of these cartoons were amazingly clever and even to this day, I get an occasional urge to dig up an episode on YouTube. Seeing as how MTV's last animated endeavor was Where My Dogs At?, I doubt they'll reach that level ever again.

TRL: I hate TRL. I have always hated TRL. I will continue to hate TRL as long as it is on the air. However, I can understand that celebrities need some place on my new MTV to promote their crappy movie or album or fragrance line. Plus, if teeny-boppers don't have some place to scream about their favorite former boy band member, they will take to the Internet, in the form of poorly-designed blogs.

Made: This is one of the greatest make-over shows I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. Sure, there is not always a massive physical transformation, but that's not the important part of the show. The kids always seem to learn something about themselves, managing to transcend their normal social standing or personal difficulties. Honestly, it's quite inspiring and a lovely change from the sex romp attitude of the rest of MTV's programming. It's heart-breaking, heart-warming, and even kind of beautiful, sometimes. I wish more of MTV's audience had the attention span to enjoy this show. Keeper.

True Life: I like documentaries. I'm boring like that. MTV usually does a pretty good job of picking subjects that are relevant to youth culture, and they present it all in a normal documentary format, without jazzing it up and making it MTV-ized. Of course, this is one of the more bearable programs on the network and can even be a real eye-opener to the different kinds of lives that young adults lead in this world.

Additional Notes On Music Videos: No James Blunt videos, no more than three ass-shaking videos per hour, videos cannot be played more than once within two hours, I must be featured in at least five videos per day.