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October 22, 2014

What TV can teach us: Science - VIDEO

by Adam Finley, posted Apr 28th 2007 10:01AM

felix the cat professorI guess the end of TV Turn Off week is the perfect time to do yet another installment in my two-part series about all the important things television can teach us that no other medium can.

Today, we will delve into the world of science. Slip on your safety goggles and follow me into the lab:

Science can be difficult to understand, which is why most science is controlled by evil geniuses. Some might argue that science is just a method of understanding the physical world, but that kind of thinking is why you're sitting in front of your computer reading this and some evil genius is inside his secret lair creating a laser that can turn hippopotami into bowls of tapioca.

Science does not seek to understand the world, it seeks to control it. Take, for example, global warming. Scientists continue to debate global warming, but it's not because they want to fully understand its implications. What they really want is to distract us from the myriad ways global warming will benefit them, such as penguins adapting to warmer climates:

How exactly does dressing a penguin like a bunny help the evil scientists? I'll tell you: it makes the penguins attractive to rabbits, resulting in a new animal hybrid with the awkward mobility of a penguin and the deliciousness of a rabbit. They destroy two species to create one whose only purpose is to fall down and be eaten.

It gets worse: once the scientist begin breeding these new penguinbunnies, they will not share them with the rest of the world. Also, they'll make the food we're used to eating even more dangerous:

You may have noticed that one of the scientists in the last two clips has no eyes. There is a reason science makes people lose their eyesight, and it's explained in this instructional video:

Essentially, scientists do not need their eyesight because they are not led by vision, but by a black force inside them that propels them through their malevolent existence with no regard for the lives of others.

I leave you with one final clip of a supposedly trustworthy scientist who, about four seconds into the clip, tries to set a small child on fire:

In conclusion, television has taught us more about science than any book ever could. Anyone who argues against the facts I've presented here is a part of the scientific conspiracy to stab us with fruit and singe the faces of our photogenic children. The time will come when we will rise against them and their tapioca lasers. The time to choose sides is now.

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Hmm, no Billy Nye but two Bunsens. I'll call it a push.

April 28 2007 at 11:16 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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