Live Blogging the MTV Video Music Awards
I've been itching to live-blog something since coming on board here at TVS, and even though doing it with the VMAs means giving up the first game of Sunday Night Football (and consequently giving up the little that's left of my maleness), I'm okay, When it comes to live-blogging, I have the same standards as a drunk girl at the end of a party.
So, without further ado, let's get to it!
8:00 PM: All right, we're an hour out from the show starting and already there's a problem. I'm staying at the apartment of my good friend and writing partner Brian Herzlinger and his internet isn't working. His wireless might as well be Shamanistic Magic for all he knows how to work it, so we're making a few phone calls to try and get it working. Also, for good measure, we're slaughtering a goat.
8:15 PM: It's a shame about the goat, because it turned out that there was nothing mystical about our connection issue -- I simply had the wrong password.
8:53 PM: Time to get armed and dangerous. I'm ordering a huge pizza and an entire two-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi. If I stop writing midway through this live-blog it's because my stomach lining melted.
9:00 PM: Okay, here we go. They just said that the blogs are "buzzing" about the return of Britney. It's true. I'm literally buzzing.
9:01 PM: Hey look, Britney is doing her impression of a meth-addicted stripper on a Tuesday afternoon. Could she care less?
9:02 PM: Criss Angel couldn't make the belly fat disappear, huh?
9:04 PM: I'm really hoping that this opening is the pop-star equivalent of Willy Wonka faking a limp. It needs to get better, doesn't it? This can't be it, can it?
9:05 PM: Yep, that was it. I'm going to call myself in 1999 and tell him not to bother telling everyone how hot Britney Spears is.
9:06 PM: Now here's a woman to drool over. Sarah Silverman! Adorable mistakes! Everything she's going to accomplish! Madonna as a python! Hairless Vagina! We've already peaked!
9:07 PM: Okay, Sarah might have used her big guns in the first minute. I can't finish writing about her right now because I have diarrhea.
9:10 PM: Alisha Keyes is a 3-time VMA winner? Is that a good thing? It makes me wonder where the VMAs rank as far as awards go: Below a grammy? Above an American Music award? This needs to be answered. Cornell West, get on the ball and write a philosophical tract about this.
9:11 PM: The parties are happening at the same time as the awards? It's like they've taken rock-star BS and exposed it to gamma radiation!
9:12 PM: I love when rock stars have to read cue-cards. As a former English teacher, it does my heart good to see someone who probably angrily told her teacher "I'll never need any of this stuff!" Well, now you have to read in public! Let's see how well that works out.
9:13 PM: Umbrella wins "Monster Single" (whatever that means). This is a huge upset. I was rooting for "meaningless jumble of images", which was, apparently, also up for the award.
9:14 PM: Rhianna is only 17. Get your mind out of the gutter, creepo.
9:15 PM: I can be Kanye's black Kate Moss tonight?
9:17 PM: "It's Britney Bitch" on your mobile phone? I'm saying this right now: there's no way you can actually download that. If you're downloading it un-ironically, you're an idiot. If you're downloading it ironically, you're still an idiot.
9:20: Kat tells me in the comments that Rhianna is 19. Thanks Kat. Now I don't have to turn my frontal lobe over to the proper authorities! You hear that brain! Go ahead and think those terrible thoughts!
9:23 PM: Two of my favorites: Bill Hader and Seth Rogen. What is it about the soul-sucking nature of the Palms and the VMAs that take really funny people and sap them of their ability to be funny? I'm gonna right this off to massive amounts of vodka and loose-moraled starlets.
9:24 PM: Jennifer Hudson is an Oscar winner. Yep. An Oscar winner.
9:24 PM: Quadruple threat award? Are they even trying any more? Why not just give a "super-awesome" award? (And they use their "powers" to improve the world? Having a "clothing line" now counts as having "powers"? Someone tell the producers of Heroes.)
9:25 PM: JT just threw the gauntlet down. "MTV, play more videos!" Wow, he does have powers.
9:26 PM: I have a strong urge to buy myself a porkpie hat.
9:27 PM: My buddy Brian has just asked "What the <expletive deleted> am I watching?" I think that's about the appropriate response to the show so far. I only hope that this transmission doesn't make it to an alien world like in Contact. Seriously, it could lead to intergalactic war.
9:30 PM: I'm just saying, if you were really high on drugs and someone showed up at your school with a giant, old-timey mirror, wouldn't that be, like, sooooooooo weird? I'm not sure it would be a confrontation of how drugs are changing you as much as it would be an excuse to fall down laughing for like an hour.
9:33 PM: Okay, the Foo Fighters are ridiculously awesome. The first time the show has had a pulse. Now, if they only keep playing for another two and a half hours.
9:35 PM: Kanye and Fitty on the stage at the same time! But I thought they hated each other! Hip-Hop's long slow slide into being the new professional wrestling continues.
9:35 PM: Well, Beyonce, you didn't win the Oscar, but you did get the VMA for Earth Shattering Collaboration. That's just as good, right? By the way, that dress makes this live blogging worth it.
9:36 PM: Just checked the comments. I agree with you. At least the show is so littered with commercials that there's hardly any content to annoy us with. We can all enjoy Rainn Wilson and the "greatest team you've never heard of" doing women's soccer ads.
9:40 PM: Hey, what's more stiff and poorly executed? The Taco Bell avatar commercial or Britney's "comeback"?
9:41 PM: It's 41 minutes since the start of the show and I haven't made one "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" joke yet. That ends now: This show should have stayed in Vegas. Think about this, this show was filmed a few weeks ago. MTV actually edited out the boring parts. This is the BEST two hours they have to give us. Imagine what was on the cutting room floor!
9:43 PM: I'm so old. Really. I have no idea who Chris Brown is. I'm very impressed with the dancing, though. By the way, I'm officially my own father. Someone stab me in the eye.
9:46 PM: To Em: I'm never ironic about fake breasts!
9:47 PM: Thank God Rhianna is 19. Incidentally, what's with all the fedoras and porkpie hats? Is this a new fashion trend? Did everyone in the rock community watch The French Connection over the weekend or something?
9:49 PM: I hope the Chris Brown doesn't go all the way with the Michael Jackson impression and bring out the two little boys from the beginning of this show.
9:50 PM: A standing O for Chris Brown and one that is well deserved. Finally a little life. Think about that, MTV -- if you get talented people together and let them perform, oh I don't know, music, good things happen.
9:54 PM: It's official, we're out of stuff to film for reality shows. MTV has documented everything on the planet earth and edited it together with mid-level hip-hop and punk as background music. I half expect to see a new show about me live-blogging the VMAs premiering next week.
9:55 PM: Chumbawumba, that was funny. Though, I think that a list of actual "Best New Artist" winners might actually be funnier. Does anyone have a list of those handy?
9:57 PM: I'm getting conflicting reports on how live this is. Sorry if my info was wrong. I was under the impression that this was filmed at the beginning of the month.
9:58 PM: Please let Britney rush the stage and beg Justin to take her back. That would make everything in my life complete.
9:59 PM: "No one likes being reminded about getting older" -- who thought he was going to bring up Britney's performance? Come on!
10:00 PM: Play more damn videos. Remember when rock music was used to protest wars and stuff? I'm not being harsh on JT - I agree with him - just that there hasn't been one statement more than "thanks" and "play more videos" in the show. Woodstock, this is not.
10:01 PM: So we are live, thanks Em. That at least explains why the show is so awkwardly paced and poorly produced.
10:02 PM: I paraphrase Bill Hicks when I say: Taco Bell, stop pretending that you have any "new" products. It's just tortilla, beans, and meat put together in different permutations.
10:04 PM: Beowulf in a bad ass new movie. If we're nominating other thousand-year old epic English poems for the big budget 300 treatment, I'd like to float Sir Gawain and the Green Knight for consideration.
10:07 PM: Shia Labuff just came on to give the "Luckiest Human Being on the Planet" award to himself.
10:08 PM: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? I'm so numb and hateful from watching the VMAs I don't know how I feel about that. This is like someone punching you repeatedly in the face and then stopping midway through and asking, "How would you like some new shoes?"
10:10 PM: Fergie was too good to show up to the VMAs? What did she have going on? And no Ludacris. I can't believe that! I figured that a rapper named Ludacris would be more responsible.
10:11 PM: Pizza is here. The night is looking up.
10:12 PM: How many of the girls dancing next to Kanye right now are listing "MTV" on their acting resumes? My guess is all of them.
10:17 PM: Cjday is reporting via People.com that Britney is singing two songs: "Gimme More" and "Cry." A lesser writer than me would make a joke about how Britney's singing of the song "Gimme More" made me want to "Cry".
10:19 PM: Unable to think. Megan Fox on TV.
10:20 PM: Congratulations, Timbaland, with that ridiculous shout, you've just crossed the "Ridiculous Shout" record set by the 2004 VMAs. You'll be getting a "Ridiculous Shout" VMA next year for your accomplishment.
10:21 PM: I'm really glad that 1970's-type epic beards are coming back into style. I'm gonna grow me some mutton chops.
10:24 PM: Okay, it's official, after Kevin and Adrian's performance, I'm convinced that MTV is giving everyone Thorazine or Lithium or Soma backstage. Is this show some sort of late collaboration with the producers of the remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers?
10:25 PM: TV Squad blogger Joel Keller is keeping my testosterone up with updates from the Dallas/New York game. My many thanks, Joel
10:27 PM: So, I've watched the commercial for Kaya ("MTV's New Scripted Drama") about forty times now. Damned if advertising really, really works. I'm programming it into my TiVo the second I get home. You owe me, TV Squad. You owe me.
10:30 PM: If I were the advertising guys at Hummer, I'd be working on a series of "Don't give a good goddamn about the environment? Buy a hummer, D-bag" commercials right about now.
10:31 PM: Some of these performances are really good, but I don't understand why they're in the rooms. I mean, I guess that's supposed to be cool, but it'd be a lot more fun to see them rocking the stage in front of everyone. Chris Brown's performance was electric. These room performances (other than Foo Fighters) have been kind of "eh" simply because it's hard to capture the excitement.
10:33 PM: Remember, kids, P**** is an important part of a balanced breakfast.
10:34 PM: When did Nelly stop wearing the band-aid? Did I miss some big Nelly-related news?
10:35 PM: Alisha Keys is trying out for a part in R&B Singers from Outerspaaaaaaaaace, coming soon to a drive-in near you.
10:37 PM: Wow, Alisha Keys just gave me goosebumps by doing a George Michael cover. Seriously, I'm not being ironic. Am I officially off the deep end or was that as good as I thought it was?
10:39 PM: From Brian Herzlinger: "Every time we see Kanye, he's doing the exact same s***! Did they just record him doing one song and then dub in the others for each time they go to his party?"
10:40 PM: Hey look everybody, Ben Stiller is in a new movie. Uh, yay? Uh..
10:43 PM: A text from my wife regarding the live-blog so far: "U so creepy" (in reference to my drooling over various females). I would write her back, but I'm still thinking about Megan Fox.
10:45 PM: Was there a fight? What's Jamie Foxx referring to? If I was Kid Rock, I'd be scared to fight Tommy Lee. That's some toxic blood right there, boy.
10:46 PM: Oscar winner Jamie Foxx. Yep, Oscar winner
10:47 PM: Gym Class Fallout just won! Did you hear that! Gym Class Fallout! They're my favorite band!
10:48 PM: Can someone get some info regarding the fight Jamie Foxx was referring to? Was this a past fight or a current fight or a made-up fight?
10:49 PM: Miss Teen South Carolina? What does it say about this show that she easily ranks in the top quartile when it comes to intelligence and dignity of who we've seen so far? And such as...
10:51 PM: "Our biggest star yet" is about to make an appearance. I'm on pins and needles. The blogs are officially "abuzz" again.
10:51 PM: Now, I'm trying not to be creepy, but seriously, a show about hot lesbians? What am I supposed to do? Just ignore it? It begs the question, am I creepy or is MTV making me creepy?
10:58 PM: Dr. Dre has apparently been working out. Like I needed another reason to fear him.
11:00 PM: Rihanna wins! Brian Herzlinger: "She's pretty!" In other news, water is wet and the sky is blue.
11:01 PM: We're apparently having some issues with "Bold." It's not my intention to have the whole blogging bold. I'll try to fix this as soon as the show's done.
11:02 PM: How great would it be if, when Diddy said, "are you having a good time!??", the crowd very soberly and seriously answered, "No, we were expecting much more than a lazy collection of supposedly hip and cool non-performances. What happened to you, MTV, you used to be something special!" Wouldn't that be nice?
11:03 PM: Like a monster movie, the VMAs refuse to die. One more performance left.
11:04 PM: Okay, Taco Bell, you can't invent your own meal. We're already the fattest country on earth, we don't need "Fourthmeal." Why not just say what you mean in the commercial: "Taco Bell, it's 1 AM and you're high. You know what to do."
11:05 PM: Timbaland, Justin Timberlake, and Nelly Furtado! A bunch of female butts! Let's see what this is all about.
11:07 PM: We can only hope that green lasers cause infertility in celebrities.
11:09 PM: Do you think JT and Britney met back stage? "So, yeah, I just played Madison Square Garden, what have you been up to?" "You know, the usual, rehab and custody hearings." "Oh."
11:10 PM: That's it? That's it. I thought that Timbaland was gonna shout out, "Let's hear it for T.S. Ellllllllllllllliot! Hollow Men in da house, yo! Not with a bang, but with a whimmmmmmmmmmmper."
11:13 PM: And with that, we're done. That's it. I'm going into rehab right now. Thanks for sticking with me. See you next time.