Adam Finley: Confab with Satan
Seems a dark topic to pick today, but to me this really was another example of Adam's writing style that I loved. He had done a few mock interviews like this one, and I encouraged him to do more of them. Short, sweet and hy-ster-i-cal. I told him several times his talent was destined for bigger places than TV Squad.
Originally published June 6, 2006.
Sometimes while going about our day to day lives, we forget to stop and give thanks to that all-powerful being who has brought so much to our pathetic existence. Since this day (6/6/06) shall never come again, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to sit down for a little chat with Satan, ruler of the underworld, prince of Hades, and former sales manager at Tru Value Hardware, to find out how he feels about television these days. Enjoy:
Adam: Did you really work at Tru Value?
Satan: No, that was just a resume builder.
Satan: Well, employers want customer service experience these days. It's tough. Getting kicked out of Heaven and torturing the damned doesn't automatically get you a job. It's not 1989 anymore, you know.
Adam: Sure. So anyway --
Satan: I can install drywall pretty well.
Adam: This isn't a job interview.
Satan: I'm just saying.
Adam: It seems that ever since television began, you've been portrayed in almost every possible way. You've popped up in old Warner Bros. cartoons, The Simpsons, South Park, Futurama (as a robot), and that's just cartoons. You've also been portrayed in a lot of live-action work as well, both comedy and drama. People don't seem to care for you personally, but they can't stop thinking about you, or playing you on TV.
Satan: And I never saw a single cent from any of that.
Adam: That's unfortunate.
Satan: Well, that's why I'm sitting here in front of you today. I think you'll find my carpentry skills are excellent.
Adam: I already told you this isn't a job interview.
Satan: Sorry, my mind isn't what it used to be. Old age, you know.
Adam: How old are you, exactly?
Satan: I am ageless, but if I had to put it in human terms, I would say I'm about 785,292,678 years old.
Satan: But I read at the level of a 785,292,695 year old.
Adam: Did you ever become jealous when religious shows like Highway to Heaven and Touched by an Angel were popular?
Satan: Actually, I only saw one episode of Highway to Heaven, and I thought it was that episode of Little House on the Prairie where they found the time machine. Then someone told me that episode doesn't exist. So there you go.
Adam: Out of the hundreds of portrayals you've seen of yourself on television, which do you feel was the most accurate?
Satan: Oh, that's easy. Martha Stewart.
Adam: That's kind of mean, Satan.
Satan: What? You think I'm talking about her personality? I'm talking about culinary skills, man. I defy you to taste my pumpkin dessert next to hers and try to figure which is which. Also, I use a special ingredient.
Adam: Which is?
Satan: The gouged-out eyeballs of the innocent.
Adam: Actually, I heard Stewart uses that, too.
Satan: Yes, but she only uses half a cup.
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