America's Next Top Model: The Girls Go Cruisin' (season premiere)
(S09E01) Four years, eight cycles, and countless eating disorders ago, America's Next Top Model premiered to great fanfare on the channel formerly known as UPN.
Cycle 9 premiered tonight on The CW, and although it hasn't changed all that much in eight iterations, the series doesn't seem to be showing any real signs of its age.
Aside from it being a viable excuse for me to watch 13 semi-attractive girls strut around in skimpy clothing, what is it about this show that keeps me ravenous for more? A simple answer awaits you if you'd kindly follow the jump.
See the wide-eyed nut job with the red feathers flanked by gay sailors in the screencap above? She's the reason America's Next Top Model has been so successful all these years.
Nevermind the fact that she co-produces the thing - if Tyra's crazy ass wasn't physically on the show on a weekly basis wearing ridiculous outfits (see above), pantomiming ridiculous poses (see below), and deadpanning ridiculous phrases (listen to anything serious she says), this show would have died many, many moons ago.
I'm saying all of these things with great admiration by the way. Basically, I've grown to love Tyra Banks and I'm not ashamed to say it. Well, maybe a little ashamed to say it, but I'm pretty sure no one in my fantasy football league knows I review this show so I'm safe.
Anyhow, if we're using Tyra's atrociously delicious cabaret performance as a barometer for the foolishness that's going to ensue this season, than this should be the best cycle yet.
On with the show.
We started out with 33 girls. Through the initial introduction process we met some pretty interesting characters that included:
- Ambreal who goes to Howard University and showed off "the ghetto walk", "the Africa walk", and the "crazy choreography walk" which Tyra tried and failed to duplicate
- Chantal who dropped some designer names like Versace and Rachel Roy which really impressed Tyra, Miss Jay, and Mr. Jay
- Sylvia who Tyra made walk like a high fashion butterfly, a high fashion robot, and a centipede?
- Heather, a very peculiar, slightly gangly girl with Aspergers Syndrome and ADHD. The former is a mild form of autism that among other things, causes people to be a little awkward in social situations (according to Heather). The latter is a "disease" concocted by the medical industry to describe people who can't sit still or focus. :)
- Alicia who went to T-zone (a Tyra Banks modeling camp) when she was 14 and now she thinks "she's bomb". Tyra promised to be harder on her because she knows her.
- Victoria who is a quasi attractive nerd from Yale who is very smart and thinks some of the other girls are really dumb. At this point, I wish to concur.
- Janet who is a hottie from a small town in Georgia who does bikini waxing for a living. She gave Tyra a faux bikini wax as seen below, then gave her a sexy smack on the ass...I reviewed this no less than 17 times on my TiVo...
This sequence caused Tyra to say, "Any girl that gives me a simulated kitty cat wax is fine by me." Me too Tyra. Me too.
Next, we sadly hit a patch of girls who had been wronged in one way or another as they were growing up. In all seriousness, I hate to hear stories like these, but am glad that they've been able to make it this far through such adversity.
- Jennifer is a bartender with no vision in her right eye. She talks with a thick Boston accent.
- Marvita was passed from one relative to the next as a child. She has been homeless, molested, and raped.
- Lisa was in foster care for many years. However, now she is an exotic dancer, but she always has her clothes on. Sure Lisa...and Miss Jay is really a woman.
- Ebony is from the hood, and the girls already hate her. Tyra was able to pull out the fact that Ebony had a boyfriend that walked all over her and a mother that was a crackhead.
Cha Cha Diva (a.k.a. Jaslene, cycle 8 winner) made an appearance while on the beach and gave the girls a small pep talk about how she's living her dream and how they too can make their dream a reality if they work hard and blah blah blah "I'm Spicy".
After the shoot, 13 girls were cut. For the next 20 girls Tyra, Miss Jay and Mr. Jay deliberated over their photos and ultimately called out the 13 girls who will actually be in this season's competition to be America's Next Top Model.
We already know who the 13 finalists are from this post, but in the event you missed it, here's a list of the ladies that made it:
If you remember, my wife picked Jaslene after the first episode of cycle 8 and I picked uber biotch Renee. In other words, my wife spanked me last year, and I'm not going to let her do it again.
Make your early pick on who will win cycle 9 via the poll below, or if you really want to make it official, via the comments.