America's Next Top Model: The Girl Who Goes Bald

(S09E04) Tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model had the potential to be the perfect storm of cycle 9.

From the title alone you could tell it was going to be the makeover show which is always an entertaining affair. You could also tell that one of the models was going to lose all of her hair which was certain to lead to uncontrollable sobbing, threats of suicide, and/or the assassination of a hair stylist.

It also ended up being the nude shoot where the uncomfortable models flash ample skin and the producers have to blur out multiple body parts to maintain the show's PG-13 content.

We had three catastrophic events coming together on our television screens like the three massive weather fronts that coalesced to destroy George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg in that god awful movie, only this perfect storm never really came to fruition.

For starters, I was a little bit disappointed in the makeovers the girls received. About half of them came out looking dramatically different (Jena, Janet, Sarah, and Saleisha) and the other half came out looking nearly identical to when they started the competition (Ambreal, Chantal, Lisa, Yale, and Heather).

Ambreal's hair went from short to a little shorter, Chantal got her face framed but seemed to have the same hair, Lisa got her hair cut but it somehow still looked the same, and Yale and Heather had virtually no change. I was expecting something more dramatic across the board, but it just didn't happen.

Then there was Bianca. I was thrilled to find out that the title of the show was referring to her. Of all the girls, Bianca and her attitude were the most deserving of a total disaster in the makeover room.

It was the karma police working their magic at the most opportune of intervals, and at first Bianca appeared to be on the verge of the breakdown/suicide/murder I anticipated. However, once again it failed to fully materialize.

In fact, Bianca losing all of her hair actually ended up working out in her favor because she got rid of the mangy red hair that made her look like a street walker, she avoided the skanky platinum weave that was going to make her look like a selection at the Bunny Ranch, and it ended up giving her options when it came time to take photos.



She is now able to choose between using a wig or going hairless during her shoots. The karma police must have been drunk tonight because if there was any justice in the world, this simply shouldn't have worked out in her favor.

Just look at the screencap above. She went from mugshot to high fashion in an instant. She had the most dramatic and positive transformation of any of the models. What a lucky break.

I'd at least be able to take solace in the fact that tonight was the highly coveted nude shoot, right? Sadly, it even failed to get me excited about the episode. None of the girls made a big deal about it, there was no random crisis of conscience, and there was hardly a hint of errant nudity. I think I just shed a little tear.

Anyhow, the girls took part in a CoverGirl make up challenge that involved them slamming on some makeup, finding identical outfits, and dashing onto a runway to show their face to Kristen Barker (Nigel's wife) for judging.

My girl Janet put herself in a position to win this little challenge, however she couldn't find the matching dress and was eliminated. Sarah got the victory and won a spot on the redesigned CoverGirl website where she'd get to host an online tutorial on how to use some new service they're launching. Snore.

The photo shoot was flora themed and as a result the girls found themselves adorned with makeup and props to make them look like various plants and flowers. Most of the girls were given pretty flowers to portray such as roses, babies breath, and hydrangeas.

Heather was the exception to the rule and was made up to look like a weed. Roses, babies breath, hydrangeas or crabgrass? Which one do you think would be the least pretty to portray? Does anyone else think the producers are trying to throw Heather some obstacles in fear of her running away with this competition?



Ultimately, it didn't really matter because Heather ended up killing her picture according to the judges. For me, it wasn't the best photo she's taken all season, but it was above average given the obvious disadvantage. She's a forced to be reckoned with this season. I completely wrote her off after the first episode which just proves that 99% of the time, I don't know what the bleep I'm talking about.

Lisa, Jenah, Janet and Ebony had the best pictures this week. The opinion of the judges differed from mine judging by the photo order:

• Jenah
• Sarah
• Heather
• Lisa
• Janet
• Ambreal
• Ebony
• Bianca
• Chantal

This left Saleisha (who promised never to be in the bottom two) and Yale (who mocked the entire act of modeling several times this episode and talked back to the judges for the third week in a row).

Much to my dismay, Yale was given the boot. I'm mostly just sad because I'll have to create and overuse some other nickname for the remainder of the season.

Yale's heart wasn't in this thing from the get go. It's almost like she came on the show just to prove that modeling isn't difficult, and that even an untrained person could do it so long as they had "the look". Ultimately, she was wrong and I think she realized this.