(S09E05) On average, there are at least three instances I find myself laughing out loud every time I watch an episode of America's Next Top Model.

This cycle, most of the laughs seem to come at the expense of poor old Heather, but it's not a "ha ha, she's so pathetic, why does she even bother" type of laugh. It's more of a "she's awkwardly adorable and I kind of hope she wins" kind of a laugh.

I've also got her completely figured out. Heather is an excellent model, but only when she isn't moving. If we could get a taxidermist to stuff her and find an animatronics expert to install some circuitry in her face to simulate facial expressions, she'd be the winner of this thing hands down.

As it stands, I just can't imagine her winning cycle 9. This statement is also coming from the guy who picked Janet to take home this season's prize, which effectively makes any prediction I make worth its weight in suck.

I'm pissed that I was so far off the mark with my Janet selection, but we'll explore my ineptitude a little later. Before that, I think it's important to note that unlike last week, some bona fide nudity went down in the house tonight, and it made me very happy. I really wish it would have involved more of the house guests, but beggars can't be choosers.



Anyhow, we started the show with the darling Heather doing her best Tyra impersonation by giving her assessment on some of the girls in the competition.

Heather thinks:

• Lisa is good at modeling her body but she needs some work
• Ebony needs work all around
• Janet is pretty good and has a slamming body, but she just doesn't know
• Bianca needs to pull more emotion from inside so that they look more true
• Heather has a problem with her body being awkward
  

I actually found Heather's judgments to be spot on if not delivered with a bit too much candor. The statements would have come off as cocky had any of the other girls said them. but that's part of Heather's charm. She's so sweet and self-deprecating that she could say, "I just love feasting on the organs of babies," and I would just smile and think about how endearing she is. I find myself liking her a little more every week, but as stated, I'm still not convinced she has the total package required to win.

I also thought and think the same thing about the cha cha diva, so again, don't listen to anything I say.

Speaking of the cha cha diva, I've been trying to avoid saying this all season, but after suffering through another one of Jaslene's CoverGirl spots, I can contain myself no longer. Her commercials are an assault on the eardrums. I almost feel like I need an interpreter to tell me what the hell she's saying.

Her performances feel so forced and rehearsed that I find myself gritting my teeth while sitting through them. I think she's made a tiny bit of improvement from the speaking engagements that took place during the course of cycle 8, but a little better than god awful is still awful. Watching her talk during cycle 8 made me want to take a shot bleach. Watching her in real commercials only make me want to take half a shot of bleach. Either way, I still die. I hate Jaslene.

Tonight the girls received some coaching from Benny Ninja on striking a pose while in mid-air.



Chantal, Ebony, Saleisha, and Ambriel took their turn on the trampoline like they'd been trampoline models for years. The rest of the girls lacked confidence and seemed to embarrassed to put themselves out there. I laughed maniacally each time one of the girls took a spill.

The trampoline posing was a precursor to tonight's challenge which found the models being hoisted into the air by a male figure skater and striking a pose that Benny Ninja yelled out to them.



The poses ranged from "happy" to "sad" to "lifeless frog" as Heather illustrated above. I probably laughed for a good five minutes after the figure skater unsuccessfully attempted to lift Heather's cute but gangly body above his head. It was as if her body was physically rejecting being lifted any higher than the guys hairline. Truly hysterical.

Lisa was proclaimed the winner of the contest and she got to bring Janet and Ebony to an Akademiks photoshoot for Seventeen magazine. Danielle from cycle 6 also participated in the shoot.

The theme for the main photoshoot was "super duper high fashion gargoyles" and there really didn't seem to be any blantantly horrible photos in the bunch.


In my humble and often incorrect opinion, Heather had the best picture of the night, but the judges on the panel disagreed.

The photos were announced in this order:

• Lisa
• Bianca
• Ebony
• Chantal
• Jenah
• Saleisha
• Heather
• Sarah
  

That left Ambriel and Janet and as mentioned, my girl Janet was sent home. I was completely devastated things turned out this way.

Janet may not have been the tallest or thinnest model of the lot, but I think she was one of the most attractive in a "girl who could be your bartender" kind of a way. I realize this is America's Next Top Model and not The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search but I found some genuine appeal in the fact that she seemed like an ordinary girl you could meet in any old ordinary place. She also seemed relatively mature and appeared pretty dedicated to learning the modeling skills that she lacked.

Anyhow, that was just a long way of trying to justify my pick. I'm mostly just bummed that I have to pick a new girl to root for so early in the season. My new official pick is Jenah which all but ensures she'll be going home in the next few weeks. Sorry Jenah.

I'm going to be out of the country when the next episode airs so there probably won't be a review up next week. Sorry about that. There will definitely be a recap of the week we miss written into the review to be posted week of the 29th. Be sure to come back because we've got a good thing going here.

By the way Laura, the Sonny and Cher comment from last week killed me. I'm mad I didn't think of it first.